Reply to How did you tell your spouse the marriage is over? Especially if abuse was present??

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest.  Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids.  Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids.  Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it.  Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready.  Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent.  If you do divorce don’t keep the house.  Downsize.  Don’t bother  fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money.  Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom.  Good luck. [/quote]

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

[b]Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?[/quote][/b]

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?[/quote]
Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ;) ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this. [/quote]

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration? [/quote]

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..[/quote]

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. [b]Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.[/b] [/quote]
Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being. [/quote]

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her.  Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world. [/quote]
OP doesn't NEED to describe anything to you. You aren't the divorce police. She asked for help on navigating a conversation, not your opinion on her abusive relationship.

OP will be better off away from an abusive man. OPs children will be better off not having their mother abused by their father. Your advice comes from extreme malice - because you want women or OP specifically to suffer. It's fu*ked. [/quote]

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