DH continues his infidelity - Stuck and not sure what to do

[Anonymous]

Do you have a bachelor's degree OP? If yes, and accelerated bachelor's in nursing is only 15 months away. A ba helps in nursing can easily get you 100k a year. You are not stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a bachelor's degree OP? If yes, and accelerated bachelor's in nursing is only 15 months away. A ba helps in nursing can easily get you 100k a year. You are not stuck.

Sure-sure, and she can of course travel with her minor kids to earn that kind of money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can "quiet quit" the marriage. Live together,but sleep in different bedrooms, date other people, etc. I only mention it since it seems like you are not interseted in divorce.

How do you date other people when married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

I don’t understand what you mean by you don’t know what to do. Of course you divorce. The only thing worse than a child with a divorced couple is one of a strained couple modeling dysfunction.

So get divorced, he gets 50% custody. And you get some new dick. If will all work out.

Plus, 6 is hardly old enough for real trauma.

Please take it from parent of older kids…it’s easier when they are young..they adapt better

[Anonymous]

Divorced man here. Geez, men like OP's DH are still married and I am not? I wish I cheated I guess they keep you if you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

Pull a Hillary Clinton: ignore him, control the household income, protect the kids, and don’t do anything nor anything for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

Pull a Hillary Clinton: ignore him, control the household income, protect the kids, and don’t do anything nor anything for him.

Sort of something like this.
A marriage is is many ways a business partnership.
If there is no dissipation of the business assets, blowing it up is for self-respect.
I am all for self-respect, but that position means loss to the entire family, well, you have to judge that balance.

That said, I've known children of serial cheaters. It was weird to see that the sons of serial cheaters, no matter how much it hurt their mothers and themselves, replicated that pattern in their adult lives.
I'm not sure how it is for the daughters of serial cheaters though. Daughters maybe kept that fact close to their chest and so I didn't know that about their family lives. But the boys though, they were angry and outraged yet perpetrated the same trespasses in their relationships. Well, this was college and the early years post-college, don't know if things were different in mid-adult life. I didn't keep in contact with those guys.

Anyway, think about the impact on the kids. It's not a small issue.

Good luck to you, it's not an easy road. You want to model a positive pathway for your child but have to be utterly practical at the same time. Your spouse has a real problem but is there something where he is struggling and not find the right solutions? Did he learn a bad lesson from his own upbringing like I outlined above?
People are complicated and never fit our neatly squared boxes of expectations. What lifelines are you extending each other to get through the demons of bad upbringing, adult waywardness and maybe even growth?
We age with so much unexpected baggage. Either we grow from it with our friends (and spouses) providing the ramps or we go it alone. You have to decide how much your marriage is just those vows or is there a thread of friendship to get through these dark times. It's painful but sometimes those scars make the healing stronger.

[Anonymous]

Make him squirm!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a similar story to yours - now exDH cheated, caught, begged for forgiveness, went to counseling, etc. but became clear to me that he repeated and couldn’t or wouldn’t stop himself. My kids were 18 months and 5 y.o. at the time I asked him to leave the house.

OFC, it was not the way I wanted things to work out, but sometimes you only get to choose from among bad choices and your job is to choose the least bad one that you can live with. I thought long and hard about what kind of message I’d be sending to my kids - a boy and a girl - if I stayed. I didn’t want to teach my boy by example that it was OK to cheat. And I didn’t want my girl growing up to think she had to accept that for herself. I thought - what if she came to me in my situation and asked for advice? I would never want her to stay in such a marriage, and I could never advise her to leave knowing that I had been in a similar situation and hadn’t had the strength to do so myself. My example has served both children well as they grew.

It was not fun dealing with divorce over the years, but it also wasn’t horrible. I was cordial and cooperative, especially when the kids were young, but as they got older, I engaged in more grey rocking and boundary setting.

Serial cheaters have character flaws that show throughout their personal relationships, and the kids certainly had him figured out when they got older. I can’t imagine what messes the kids would be if I had stayed. They have grown up to be lovely, successful, reasonably happy young adults with stable friends and relationships of their own - all that any parent could wish for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a similar story to yours - now exDH cheated, caught, begged for forgiveness, went to counseling, etc. but became clear to me that he repeated and couldn’t or wouldn’t stop himself. My kids were 18 months and 5 y.o. at the time I asked him to leave the house.

OFC, it was not the way I wanted things to work out, but sometimes you only get to choose from among bad choices and your job is to choose the least bad one that you can live with. I thought long and hard about what kind of message I’d be sending to my kids - a boy and a girl - if I stayed. I didn’t want to teach my boy by example that it was OK to cheat. And I didn’t want my girl growing up to think she had to accept that for herself. I thought - what if she came to me in my situation and asked for advice? I would never want her to stay in such a marriage, and I could never advise her to leave knowing that I had been in a similar situation and hadn’t had the strength to do so myself. My example has served both children well as they grew.

It was not fun dealing with divorce over the years, but it also wasn’t horrible. I was cordial and cooperative, especially when the kids were young, but as they got older, I engaged in more grey rocking and boundary setting.

Serial cheaters have character flaws that show throughout their personal relationships, and the kids certainly had him figured out when they got older. I can’t imagine what messes the kids would be if I had stayed. They have grown up to be lovely, successful, reasonably happy young adults with stable friends and relationships of their own - all that any parent could wish for.

Good for you, PP. Sorry you and your kids had to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Saddle up. Make yourself comfy.
He’s not going to stop cheating & you aren’t going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

Pull a Hillary Clinton: ignore him, control the household income, protect the kids, and don’t do anything nor anything for him.

Sort of something like this.
A marriage is is many ways a business partnership.
If there is no dissipation of the business assets, blowing it up is for self-respect.
I am all for self-respect, but that position means loss to the entire family, well, you have to judge that balance.

That said, I've known children of serial cheaters. It was weird to see that the sons of serial cheaters, no matter how much it hurt their mothers and themselves, replicated that pattern in their adult lives.
I'm not sure how it is for the daughters of serial cheaters though. Daughters maybe kept that fact close to their chest and so I didn't know that about their family lives. But the boys though, they were angry and outraged yet perpetrated the same trespasses in their relationships. Well, this was college and the early years post-college, don't know if things were different in mid-adult life. I didn't keep in contact with those guys.

Anyway, think about the impact on the kids. It's not a small issue.

Good luck to you, it's not an easy road. You want to model a positive pathway for your child but have to be utterly practical at the same time. Your spouse has a real problem but is there something where he is struggling and not find the right solutions? Did he learn a bad lesson from his own upbringing like I outlined above?
People are complicated and never fit our neatly squared boxes of expectations. What lifelines are you extending each other to get through the demons of bad upbringing, adult waywardness and maybe even growth?
We age with so much unexpected baggage. Either we grow from it with our friends (and spouses) providing the ramps or we go it alone. You have to decide how much your marriage is just those vows or is there a thread of friendship to get through these dark times. It's painful but sometimes those scars make the healing stronger.

That's a wild generalization. It is as if the women who raise those boys are incapable of instilling in them better loyalty. Are you saying serial cheating is an genetic trait? What's the name of that gene?

When women are hurt they engage in some very wild generalization.

I don't believe you that men whose father were serial.cheater will be the same way.

And by the way in my book it doesn't matter. If you cheat once you are cheater. I am not going to wait and see if you do it a second time. If my wife cheats once I am.gone and I will not be looking back. We all.habe temptations trust me. If you can't close your legs, then go be with someone who.will stock his d**k in any hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on money. If you are friends and ok with just being that and not lovers Id stay for the money and help at least till the child is older. There arent a lot of good guys out there. Wait till you find one to leave for. That's what hes doing. He doesnt love you. He may like you and the kid.

Bad deal. When his AP gets pregnant “accidentally” the child support will come out if OPs share. Lock down half the assets and child support for your daughter immediately.

Yea, this. Get moving OP.

CS for AP’s baby is nothing. If he’s high paid, the continued accumulation of the marital assets for OP would far exceed that (hypothetical) CS. I would just date other men and continue living the lifestyle I have until I met someone worthy to leave for

This is such a bad advice as OP is already stressed out and may not want to be cheater that creates even worse dynamics at home for the daughter who would eventually find out both parents are cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

Pull a Hillary Clinton: ignore him, control the household income, protect the kids, and don’t do anything nor anything for him.

Sort of something like this.
A marriage is is many ways a business partnership.
If there is no dissipation of the business assets, blowing it up is for self-respect.
I am all for self-respect, but that position means loss to the entire family, well, you have to judge that balance.

That said, I've known children of serial cheaters. It was weird to see that the sons of serial cheaters, no matter how much it hurt their mothers and themselves, replicated that pattern in their adult lives.
I'm not sure how it is for the daughters of serial cheaters though. Daughters maybe kept that fact close to their chest and so I didn't know that about their family lives. But the boys though, they were angry and outraged yet perpetrated the same trespasses in their relationships. Well, this was college and the early years post-college, don't know if things were different in mid-adult life. I didn't keep in contact with those guys.

Anyway, think about the impact on the kids. It's not a small issue.

Good luck to you, it's not an easy road. You want to model a positive pathway for your child but have to be utterly practical at the same time. Your spouse has a real problem but is there something where he is struggling and not find the right solutions? Did he learn a bad lesson from his own upbringing like I outlined above?
People are complicated and never fit our neatly squared boxes of expectations. What lifelines are you extending each other to get through the demons of bad upbringing, adult waywardness and maybe even growth?
We age with so much unexpected baggage. Either we grow from it with our friends (and spouses) providing the ramps or we go it alone. You have to decide how much your marriage is just those vows or is there a thread of friendship to get through these dark times. It's painful but sometimes those scars make the healing stronger.

That's a wild generalization. It is as if the women who raise those boys are incapable of instilling in them better loyalty. Are you saying serial cheating is an genetic trait? What's the name of that gene?

When women are hurt they engage in some very wild generalization.

I don't believe you that men whose father were serial.cheater will be the same way.

And by the way in my book it doesn't matter. If you cheat once you are cheater. I am not going to wait and see if you do it a second time. If my wife cheats once I am.gone and I will not be looking back. We all.habe temptations trust me. If you can't close your legs, then go be with someone who.will stock his d**k in any hole.

Nothing like an angry man blaming a future son’s adult cheating on his mother not “instilling more loyalty”.

You actually don’t think the cheating dad has any responsibility do you? Such a strange take.

[Anonymous]

If you stay with a cheating man, all you're doing is telling your daughter that's how she deserves to be treated. Is that what you want for her? If she comes to you 20 years in the future and tells you her husband has been cheating on her for years, are you going to tell her to stay?

Or would you tell her to gather up her self respect, her courage and her assets and leave his cheating ass?