DH continues his infidelity - Stuck and not sure what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

Pull a Hillary Clinton: ignore him, control the household income, protect the kids, and don’t do anything nor anything for him.

Sort of something like this.
A marriage is is many ways a business partnership.
If there is no dissipation of the business assets, blowing it up is for self-respect.
I am all for self-respect, but that position means loss to the entire family, well, you have to judge that balance.

That said, I've known children of serial cheaters. It was weird to see that the sons of serial cheaters, no matter how much it hurt their mothers and themselves, replicated that pattern in their adult lives.
I'm not sure how it is for the daughters of serial cheaters though. Daughters maybe kept that fact close to their chest and so I didn't know that about their family lives. But the boys though, they were angry and outraged yet perpetrated the same trespasses in their relationships. Well, this was college and the early years post-college, don't know if things were different in mid-adult life. I didn't keep in contact with those guys.

Anyway, think about the impact on the kids. It's not a small issue.

Good luck to you, it's not an easy road. You want to model a positive pathway for your child but have to be utterly practical at the same time. Your spouse has a real problem but is there something where he is struggling and not find the right solutions? Did he learn a bad lesson from his own upbringing like I outlined above?
People are complicated and never fit our neatly squared boxes of expectations. What lifelines are you extending each other to get through the demons of bad upbringing, adult waywardness and maybe even growth?
We age with so much unexpected baggage. Either we grow from it with our friends (and spouses) providing the ramps or we go it alone. You have to decide how much your marriage is just those vows or is there a thread of friendship to get through these dark times. It's painful but sometimes those scars make the healing stronger.

That's a wild generalization. It is as if the women who raise those boys are incapable of instilling in them better loyalty. Are you saying serial cheating is an genetic trait? What's the name of that gene?

When women are hurt they engage in some very wild generalization.

I don't believe you that men whose father were serial.cheater will be the same way.

And by the way in my book it doesn't matter. If you cheat once you are cheater. I am not going to wait and see if you do it a second time. If my wife cheats once I am.gone and I will not be looking back. We all.habe temptations trust me. If you can't close your legs, then go be with someone who.will stock his d**k in any hole.

You don't believe in patterns? A man who sees his father constantly cheating on his mother will grow up learning that's fine, and in fact, normal. A daughter who sees her father constantly cheating on her mother will grow up learning that's fine, and in fact, normal. Stopping the cycle early is incredibly important. Be a role model for your children.

Why are you blaming a mother who was cheated on for her child growing up as a cheater instead of the cheating role model? What kind of bizarre misognyistic bullsht is that? A man commits adultery and it's somehow a woman's fault?

[Anonymous]

So Op, you didn't "jump to divorce" you just made a real stupid decision to stay. Do the smart thing now.

[Anonymous]

If your daughter were in your shoes and had your kind of marriage, what would you want for her?

Divorce, OP. Your DH doesn’t love you or respect you enough to make yours a real marriage. Your daughter will be fine. You will create a strong, happy house for her. Your spouse will remarry and you’ll have to deal with that, but being in an unhappy household with an unhappy mom and a dad who isn’t emotionally all there is not good for your DD. Consult a lawyer and try to get some permanent comcessions from your spouse up front, when he may still be feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the first time, around a year and a half ago, I forgave him. We did couples counseling, but he cheated again, and again. It started with texting, he would lie. I kind of buried my head in the sand until I found out he was sleeping with his AP for almost three months. He did acknowledge what he did and apologize, we did counseling, and made some changes, and I thought that was the end of it.

We have a 6 year old DD together which is the reason why I didn’t want to jump to divorce, but now I’m really stuck and feel like I am out of options. I’m also afraid of the entire divorce process, what his reaction might be, and co-parenting with him. My parents were divorced and that caused me to have a miserable childhood so I don’t want my daughter to grow up with divorced parents which is why I choose to stay, but I have tried everything, and I’m tired of the lying, and betrayal.

I know my little girl would be so devastated if we got divorced and all I want is the best for her and our future.

I’d really appreciate any advice or hope from others who were in a similar situation.

Pull a Hillary Clinton: ignore him, control the household income, protect the kids, and don’t do anything nor anything for him.

Sort of something like this.
A marriage is is many ways a business partnership.
If there is no dissipation of the business assets, blowing it up is for self-respect.
I am all for self-respect, but that position means loss to the entire family, well, you have to judge that balance.

That said, I've known children of serial cheaters. It was weird to see that the sons of serial cheaters, no matter how much it hurt their mothers and themselves, replicated that pattern in their adult lives.
I'm not sure how it is for the daughters of serial cheaters though. Daughters maybe kept that fact close to their chest and so I didn't know that about their family lives. But the boys though, they were angry and outraged yet perpetrated the same trespasses in their relationships. Well, this was college and the early years post-college, don't know if things were different in mid-adult life. I didn't keep in contact with those guys.

Anyway, think about the impact on the kids. It's not a small issue.

Good luck to you, it's not an easy road. You want to model a positive pathway for your child but have to be utterly practical at the same time. Your spouse has a real problem but is there something where he is struggling and not find the right solutions? Did he learn a bad lesson from his own upbringing like I outlined above?
People are complicated and never fit our neatly squared boxes of expectations. What lifelines are you extending each other to get through the demons of bad upbringing, adult waywardness and maybe even growth?
We age with so much unexpected baggage. Either we grow from it with our friends (and spouses) providing the ramps or we go it alone. You have to decide how much your marriage is just those vows or is there a thread of friendship to get through these dark times. It's painful but sometimes those scars make the healing stronger.

In college a dated a guy whose mom finally left his serially cheating father. The guys ended up cheating on me and when I found out a shouted at him Like father like son! Not the classiest thing I could do, no. But he was lived at me for what I said and how dare you say that about my dad!

Years later my ex got married. Cheated on the woman, they divorced. Got remarried, had two kids. Cheated on her as well, now divorced a second time. And on and on it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re married to a serial cheater and at some point, when your daughter is older, she will ask you why did you stay in the marriage and be miserable?

+1000

I have daughters and it would crush me if they ended up with men who cheated on them because that's what they thought they deserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to understand that a serial cheater is actually shopping around for your replacement, not just having sex. He will eventually leave you for another woman.

So, what you have to decide here is whether the marriage will end on your terms or whether he will get to blindside you.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Op he has already left the marriage. There is nothing to save here.