"Because I Have To Visit My Father"

[Anonymous]

I sure would rather do chores than drive to Richmond every Sunday. Oof. But maybe try doing those chores during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

Selfish, main character syndrome-having B... Has to be all about YOU, doesn't it?

Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Okay, but just remember: you asked for this.

1) Stop being a whiner. The victimese in your post is pathetic. Fortify yourself and act like an adult with agency, because that's what you are. Nobody's "shafting" you.

2) Get off your high horse about strangers in the house and your precious produce and hire help. Be grateful you can afford this instead of nitpicking a viable solution. You're in your own way, shafting yourself on this front. Stop that.

3) Learn how to operate a family calendar, and stick to it. "it just doesn't stick" is passive. "I didn't stick to it" is more likely, and you need to be responsible for solving your problem and not waiting and whining until someone solves it for you. Get your shit together. If it doesn't fit perfectly the first time, try again until it does.

4) Stop complaining. Truly. Go 30 days without fixing your face to complain. For every time you want to whinge and whine about how "shafted" you feel, flip it. Your spouse gives a fsck about his aging parent, and you admire and respect his compassion and dedication to his family. You can afford to pay someone to do your grocery shopping and housekeeping. Your kid is healthy and able-bodied enough to play a sport. Immediately remove the idea that you're a single parent from your wee little head, because you probably wouldn't last a week, hunty. Instead, you need to get some damned gratitude for your petty little shite problem(s).

5) which is really 4(a) Fsck "fair". Life ain't fair. You've got it SO much better than so many people! Someone would be delighted to have your problems. Lots of someones, in fact. You don't actually want fair, Veruca. You just want what you want when you want it. Get over it.

Buy yourself the help you need, including a therapist if you need help wrapping your head around those suggestions, and STFU.

Modify genders as needed, because it doesn't make a damned bit of difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Okay, but just remember: you asked for this.

1) Stop being a whiner. The victimese in your post is pathetic. Fortify yourself and act like an adult with agency, because that's what you are. Nobody's "shafting" you.

2) Get off your high horse about strangers in the house and your precious produce and hire help. Be grateful you can afford this instead of nitpicking a viable solution. You're in your own way, shafting yourself on this front. Stop that.

3) Learn how to operate a family calendar, and stick to it. "it just doesn't stick" is passive. "I didn't stick to it" is more likely, and you need to be responsible for solving your problem and not waiting and whining until someone solves it for you. Get your shit together. If it doesn't fit perfectly the first time, try again until it does.

4) Stop complaining. Truly. Go 30 days without fixing your face to complain. For every time you want to whinge and whine about how "shafted" you feel, flip it. Your spouse gives a fsck about his aging parent, and you admire and respect his compassion and dedication to his family. You can afford to pay someone to do your grocery shopping and housekeeping. Your kid is healthy and able-bodied enough to play a sport. Immediately remove the idea that you're a single parent from your wee little head, because you probably wouldn't last a week, hunty. Instead, you need to get some damned gratitude for your petty little shite problem(s).

5) which is really 4(a) Fsck "fair". Life ain't fair. You've got it SO much better than so many people! Someone would be delighted to have your problems. Lots of someones, in fact. You don't actually want fair, Veruca. You just want what you want when you want it. Get over it.

Buy yourself the help you need, including a therapist if you need help wrapping your head around those suggestions, and STFU.

Everything you just typed could be used to explain away sexual assault and find the perpetrator faultless.
Go F^^k yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

Make your life manageable and don’t be a martyr. Ask your wife is she plans to visit her father every Saturday? And what things would change in your life to accommodate that. I would scale back to only what I could manage (happily) by myself.

Also you need a much broader view than thinking your wife will have to accommodate your parents. Obviously she won’t but she will have to accommodate so many other things in your life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Okay, but just remember: you asked for this.

1) Stop being a whiner. The victimese in your post is pathetic. Fortify yourself and act like an adult with agency, because that's what you are. Nobody's "shafting" you.

2) Get off your high horse about strangers in the house and your precious produce and hire help. Be grateful you can afford this instead of nitpicking a viable solution. You're in your own way, shafting yourself on this front. Stop that.

3) Learn how to operate a family calendar, and stick to it. "it just doesn't stick" is passive. "I didn't stick to it" is more likely, and you need to be responsible for solving your problem and not waiting and whining until someone solves it for you. Get your shit together. If it doesn't fit perfectly the first time, try again until it does.

4) Stop complaining. Truly. Go 30 days without fixing your face to complain. For every time you want to whinge and whine about how "shafted" you feel, flip it. Your spouse gives a fsck about his aging parent, and you admire and respect his compassion and dedication to his family. You can afford to pay someone to do your grocery shopping and housekeeping. Your kid is healthy and able-bodied enough to play a sport. Immediately remove the idea that you're a single parent from your wee little head, because you probably wouldn't last a week, hunty. Instead, you need to get some damned gratitude for your petty little shite problem(s).

5) which is really 4(a) Fsck "fair". Life ain't fair. You've got it SO much better than so many people! Someone would be delighted to have your problems. Lots of someones, in fact. You don't actually want fair, Veruca. You just want what you want when you want it. Get over it.

Buy yourself the help you need, including a therapist if you need help wrapping your head around those suggestions, and STFU.

Everything you just typed could be used to explain away sexual assault and find the perpetrator faultless.
Go F^^k yourself.

Huh? Get help you delulu person. What are you even posting?
- DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

Make your life manageable and don’t be a martyr. Ask your wife is she plans to visit her father every Saturday? And what things would change in your life to accommodate that. I would scale back to only what I could manage (happily) by myself.

Also you need a much broader view than thinking your wife will have to accommodate your parents. Obviously she won’t but she will have to accommodate so many other things in your life together.

Outsource the cleaning and grocery. And rehome the pets. Humans before pets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

Op, I get it. I lost my parents young. It changes the dynamic when your partner is dealing with an elderly parent.

Something I saw recently was that for women, hearing the words “I love you” gave them the greatest sense of security in a relationship, and that for men, it’s hearing the words “Thank you”. It tracks with other things I’ve learned, and I think it’s something a lot of women don’t understand.

It sounds like some appreciation from your wife would go a long way here. I’m not sure if there’s a good way to share that, but maybe a date night together could open the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

Op, I get it. I lost my parents young. It changes the dynamic when your partner is dealing with an elderly parent.

Something I saw recently was that for women, hearing the words “I love you” gave them the greatest sense of security in a relationship, and that for men, it’s hearing the words “Thank you”. It tracks with other things I’ve learned, and I think it’s something a lot of women don’t understand.

It sounds like some appreciation from your wife would go a long way here. I’m not sure if there’s a good way to share that, but maybe a date night together could open the door.

I agree with this BUT you have to find a way to do without being another emotional blackhole of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

No she’s not. DH should be taking the kids with him at least once a month. Grandpa needs to move to Maryland as well - dumb idea to move so far away.

Dragging the kids on that type journey is not fair the kids.

Why would you think putting the kids in a car for four hours to go spend a couple of hours at an assisted living facility is a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

No she’s not. DH should be taking the kids with him at least once a month. Grandpa needs to move to Maryland as well - dumb idea to move so far away.

Dragging the kids on that type journey is not fair the kids.

Why would you think putting the kids in a car for four hours to go spend a couple of hours at an assisted living facility is a good idea?

I would argue NOT taking them is unfair to them. And unfair to Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

No she’s not. DH should be taking the kids with him at least once a month. Grandpa needs to move to Maryland as well - dumb idea to move so far away.

Dragging the kids on that type journey is not fair the kids.

Why would you think putting the kids in a car for four hours to go spend a couple of hours at an assisted living facility is a good idea?

Because he’s their grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

No she’s not. DH should be taking the kids with him at least once a month. Grandpa needs to move to Maryland as well - dumb idea to move so far away.

Dragging the kids on that type journey is not fair the kids.

Why would you think putting the kids in a car for four hours to go spend a couple of hours at an assisted living facility is a good idea?

Because he’s their grandfather.

Amen

[Anonymous]

Has to be a whiny man child here.
It’s not that hard to do things with a 4 and 7 year old.
Lower some standards if you must.
But none of the things you posted about doing in Sunday are that big a deal, nor are typical 4-7 year olds that hard to take care of.
Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Move him closer.

Pick one thing to outsource to start

The kids go along to see grandpa once every 4- 6 weeks.

Once every 4-6 weeks wife skips a visit