"Because I Have To Visit My Father"

[Anonymous]

Provng once again that women are spoiled brats all through their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

+1. My husband and I have each had a parent who passed so yes we did this for each other and it took far more time than 6-7 hours every other week.

On these boards I read lots of posts about men not being caregivers. But it strikes me that some women want to stomp it out of them if it’s the least bit inconvenient to them. Personally I like being married to a man who feels responsibility to routinely check in on his aging parents with whom he has a good relationship.

Thank you! And OP whining about being a "single parent" because there are 14 hours a month when she's solely responsible for her own children is pretty insulting for those of us who are actual single parents.

Why are you insulted? Doesn't single parenting suck compared to co parenting? Everyone would prefer to do 50% less domestic chores if they could. That's the point. Lose the chip on your shoulder.

OP isn’t complaining about 50% of household chores. She’s complaining about 50% of the household chores done on just 2 out of every 28 days.

She’s acting like Instacart isn’t an option because she likes to pick her own produce. She could buy everything else through Instacart and just pick up produce once every two weeks. Her house could just be dirtier half the time. She could hire cleaners to come every other weekend while she’s home so they’re not alone in her house. She could send out the laundry. She has options, but the only one she likes is her dh visiting FIL less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would never ever ever hear a woman complain about this. When men have to do what women do, it’s such a hardship.

OP, the fact that your wife is visiting her father all the way through traffic on 95 shows she is also the kind of person that will take care of you when you are old or ill or both. No doubt she is not excited about spending her day in traffic. Why don’t you all set up grocery delivery and make a meal schedule? Or do laundry during the week? It’s okay to let loads sit in the washer for a few hours or the dryer for a day. It’s okay. Spend the time she’s out having fun with your kids.

What? Women complain about men caring for their parents on this board all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's my wife visiting her dad. And yes it is every Sunday. I meant it has been every other Sunday we have had since May.

I know it is the stage of life because I see it all round us with our friends. My parents died when I was young (mother at 14, father at 25) so this sin't something my wife has had to accomodate, or ever will.

Honestly, just the recognition that I'm rowing the boat for her while she deals with her dad is all I'm looking for.

So she spent months and months doing it every Sunday, but in May she agreed to cut back to every other Sunday? It sounds like she has heard you and is trying to be accommodating. I’m sorry she doesn’t thank you more often, but she’s got a lot on her plate too and probably feels like she’s in survival mode, trying to be a good daughter, good wife, good mother, good employee. You two definitely need a date night where you focus on each other and put into words the things you really appreciate about each other, the things we don’t always take the time to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works one day every weekend. It is what is it is. Give him the list of things you want done and let him figure out when to do them.

Agreed!
I’m an ER doc and work every Friday evening from 4pm-1am. DH doesn’t call himself a quasi-single parent because of it. C’mon, OP. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your dad. I just wouldn't accomodate her. Leave on Sunday morning before she dets up. Let her deal with it all. It's her mess after all.

If OP doesn’t want a divorce, this is terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Can FIL move closer to you?

[Anonymous]

Grow up OP. Your wife is doing the best she can to show respect to person who raised her. And you are complaining about raising your own kids. I'm sorry your parents died young, that sucks, but your wife has an aging parent and is doing what she can to make his life a little better. I commend her for that.

My father lost his parents young too and my mother's parents required a lot of care in their later years. And my father stepped up and helped my mom care for them. And he didn't complain. Because that's what decent people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works one day every weekend. It is what is it is. Give him the list of things you want done and let him figure out when to do them.

Agreed!
I’m an ER doc and work every Friday evening from 4pm-1am. DH doesn’t call himself a quasi-single parent because of it. C’mon, OP. Do better.

You're not a DR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

I think you need to rehome your two dogs and cats. And adjust your thinking and mindset.

Yes, he needs to visit his father, and you actually have it easy that he is taking care of his dad, and it is not on you.

Get a cleaning person and adjust your expectations. Because, the way you are thinking - you are the problem. And where you are in your life, more challenges are natural to follow.

OP is right to be annoyed that the visits were decided unilaterally, but this is the reality of your life now and you need to adjust your thinking. The PP above is giving you some cold, hard truths that you have too much going on for you and your wife to handle it all on your own. Get over not wanting to have other people around or having to pick your own groceries. Three pets is too many for anyone, let alone someone with 2 young kids and two busy jobs. What were you thinking? Make some decisions and work around your spouse. This situation won’t last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works one day every weekend. It is what is it is. Give him the list of things you want done and let him figure out when to do them.

Agreed!
I’m an ER doc and work every Friday evening from 4pm-1am. DH doesn’t call himself a quasi-single parent because of it. C’mon, OP. Do better.

You're not a DR.

I am.
It’s not that special. There are a lot of doctors who post here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Provng once again that women are spoiled brats all through their life.

It makes me laugh that someone posted this and the OP is actually a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not go together? Then you can do the chores together ahead of time, enjoy the drive together, stop so where fun, etc.

Lol

Do all the housework ahead of time?

In order to drive 2 hours and sit around someone’s care center for 1 day a week?

Bring the tweens and teens too? Surely they have nothing else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

Oh gmafb. If they both work and one parent leaves every single Sunday and they have two kids under 8 it's too much. The choices are not "stop visiting Dad" or "OP does everything". They need to find a compromise.
Do all of you make unilateral decisions in your marriage and just hoist work on your partner?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're a pretty awful human being.

Oh gmafb. If they both work and one parent leaves every single Sunday and they have two kids under 8 it's too much. The choices are not "stop visiting Dad" or "OP does everything". They need to find a compromise. Do all of you make unilateral decisions in your marriage and just hoist work on your partner?

+1

It's every freaking Sunday. For the entire day. And you know they arrive home just spent. That drive alone is soul sucking.

OP should just start taking every Saturday off and see how they like it.

It’s HALF of the weekend. That’s how you look at it.

Some sort of guilt or obedient son or family of origin about all else must have been beat into him long ago. Spare no expense. Nothing else matters. Must do this over all else.