"Because I Have To Visit My Father"

[Anonymous]

As your FIL's health declines, more and more of..... everything... will fall on you.

Go into this with your eyes wide open, but try to remember to keep your heart wide open too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Tell him to take a day off of work twice a month and do that.

Great - and OP will keep her mouth shut when he doesn’t have enough vacation time to do the next thing she wants?

[Anonymous]

ESH.

Look, OP, he spends 12 hours a month visiting his dad. That’s less than 2% of the entire month. You need to be more flexible and stop with the fixation that everything must be done Sunday afternoon and can only be done by you and him. Hire out help.

But, he also needs to step up and help out more during the week. He can do laundry on Saturday. He can buy groceries on Saturday. Why isn’t he doing these on other days?

It sounds like you don’t function well as a team together. You should be finding solutions and compromises, rather than you being rigid and him checking out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

I'd also say you have to be ruthless in your priorities matching your values. You can't have everything. It doesn't actually make sense at least to me to say we have to pick our own produce over him visiting his Dad. Dad trumps produce in my values. It's not that ideally I don't want to pick the produce, it's that you have to admit you can't have everything/everything cannot be optimized all the time.

That is a valid point and a good one, but, it is still, fundamentally, unfair that partener A eats bruised apples/wastes money because partner B wants to use 25% of every month's 'free time' visisting their father.

Could your father be brought to Bethesda for an entire weekend each month?

I don't see it as fundamentally unfair. In my example, I'd embrace the bruised apples for him. I have done that and more when his parents needed him. I'm the one taking the day or 2 a month for my parents these days and he's doing a few days every few months with his due to distance, but there were times he did way more for his parents when mine didn't need anything. We "budget" for it it money, time, inconvenience, imperfection, etc., because this is who we both want to be.

Apples aren't the true issue. Getting on the same page somehow is the issue.

[Anonymous]

That's not cool at all. I understand that adult children need to care for their elderly parents. But I doubt this spouse understands that this is reciprocal. Otherwise they'd have made an effort to help out with the chores at some other time.

I don't know what the answer is, OP, but I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Why not negotiate something more fair. First weekend he goes to Richmond. 2nd weekend you get to do something of your choosing. 3rd weekend the family does something together and you alternate who chooses - you could choose chores or something else. A build in some flexibility around holidays and school breaks but the 3 way split carries through.

That would require him to visit his dad a little less though.

I think it’s good he visits his dad. It’s important. But he needs to consider the burden on you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

+1. My husband and I have each had a parent who passed so yes we did this for each other and it took far more time than 6-7 hours every other week.

On these boards I read lots of posts about men not being caregivers. But it strikes me that some women want to stomp it out of them if it’s the least bit inconvenient to them. Personally I like being married to a man who feels responsibility to routinely check in on his aging parents with whom he has a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As your FIL's health declines, more and more of..... everything... will fall on you.

Go into this with your eyes wide open, but try to remember to keep your heart wide open too.

Agree with opening your heart. I'd also suggest getting on the same page now as far as emergencies and ongoing needs for his Dad or your parents. How do both of you define a drop everything emergency? Get on the same page now on money, time, leave from work, will he take FMLA, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse's father is in assited living in Richmond. He moved in last May. We are in Bethesda.

Every other Sunday since that time, my spouses leaves here around 9am drives to Richmond, visits their father,l often taking him to unch and drives back here, arriving home around 3 or 4.

All of the other Sunday chores -laundry, grocery shopping meal prep for the week, cleaning etc fall on me. We have two dogs, a cat, two kids ages 4 and 7 and it's dawning on me that this isn't really 'fair.' When I brought this up the response was "Because I have to visit my father". Like that obligated me to be a quasi single parent?

I've tried to move the shopping and cleaning to other nights of the week but it just doesn't stick. We both have busy schedules, long commutes, our eldest plays soccer, etc.

We've talked about hiring out the stuff we can but neither of us likes having a stranger in the house and we are both pretty picky about our produce so Insta cart is a non starter.

I guess what bothers me most is their refusal to admit that I'm the one being shafted in this arrangement.

Please give me helpful suggestions.

Imagine you had your current dual income and were a single mom and it was your mother you needed to go visit every single weekend. How would you handle that? Incorporate those ideas into your life with DH. It could be him picking up the groceries on his way home, it could be a cleaner or a laundry service, it could be bringing the kids with him, it could be him using PTO once a month to visit dad.

As for instacart, if I were you I would use it for my nonperishables/shelf stable and household products and then just go do a quick run for produce and meats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

+1. My husband and I have each had a parent who passed so yes we did this for each other and it took far more time than 6-7 hours every other week.

On these boards I read lots of posts about men not being caregivers. But it strikes me that some women want to stomp it out of them if it’s the least bit inconvenient to them. Personally I like being married to a man who feels responsibility to routinely check in on his aging parents with whom he has a good relationship.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the season of life you are in. Yes, it sucks, but do you think it would be better if your spouse never visited their father? Is that what you want to model for your children?

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

+1. My husband and I have each had a parent who passed so yes we did this for each other and it took far more time than 6-7 hours every other week.

On these boards I read lots of posts about men not being caregivers. But it strikes me that some women want to stomp it out of them if it’s the least bit inconvenient to them. Personally I like being married to a man who feels responsibility to routinely check in on his aging parents with whom he has a good relationship.

Thank you! And OP whining about being a "single parent" because there are 14 hours a month when she's solely responsible for her own children is pretty insulting for those of us who are actual single parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would support my husband doing this, but then he'd also support me doing something for myself on the alternate weekends. He'd also potentially take the kid(s) sometimes. And/or do some of the Sunday prep on Saturday.

I'd also say you have to be ruthless in your priorities matching your values. You can't have everything. It doesn't actually make sense at least to me to say we have to pick our own produce over him visiting his Dad. Dad trumps produce in my values. It's not that ideally I don't want to pick the produce, it's that you have to admit you can't have everything/everything cannot be optimized all the time.

That is a valid point and a good one, but, it is still, fundamentally, unfair that partener A eats bruised apples/wastes money because partner B wants to use 25% of every month's 'free time' visisting their father.

Could your father be brought to Bethesda for an entire weekend each month?

I don't see it as fundamentally unfair. In my example, I'd embrace the bruised apples for him. I have done that and more when his parents needed him. I'm the one taking the day or 2 a month for my parents these days and he's doing a few days every few months with his due to distance, but there were times he did way more for his parents when mine didn't need anything. We "budget" for it it money, time, inconvenience, imperfection, etc., because this is who we both want to be.

Apples aren't the true issue. Getting on the same page somehow is the issue.

I completely agree and you were much kinder in your response. I think it shows a real attitude/entitlement issue when someone would call themselves a “quasi single parent” over 3.5 hours per week spent visiting his father.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to think about the fact that one day you’ll be old and alone and how appreciative you would be of your child taking a half day out of their busy week with their young family to come visit you so you wouldn’t be so lonely.

[Anonymous]

How about you do more chores on Saturdays? Why are you leaving everything to Sunday? Sounds like your current set up is not working for your family.