Calling DH's new GF

[Anonymous]

Also remember that anger is a great catalyst. It can give us super-human strength so we can make necessary change.

You said you are still willing to reconcile, but why? What he has done is so ridiculous and dishonest and cowardly and disgusting. Maybe your anger is telling you to slam the door on any emotional connection to him.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t do anything wrong. Sex is the most important part of a relationship and you left that behind. He properly separated and found someone.

Loyalty is the most important part of a relationship, and a person who leaves and near-immediately "finds" someone else likely didn't have any. Bro couldn't even wait until he'd filed for divorce, or been separated for a single year. He's a gobshite.

OP, don't call her. You're not responsible for her, she'll figure it out anyway (as will your kids), and he'll use it to make you look crazy. Just get an attorney and get a divorce. It'll sting a bit in the short term, but you'll be the winner in the end. Sorry 'your' man was trash.

Not necessarily. I’d lived with DH for 24 years and had always been faithful. A couple of months ago, I moved out because I was unhappy with him and we only live once. I told him that I’ll start seeing other men and encouraged him to start seeing other women. It took me less than two weeks to find a boyfriend. My advice for the OP is to download a dating app and start meeting some younger men, they would be a great distraction from her DH and might help her rediscover her libido.

[Anonymous]

Gurllllll leave that woman alone.
You have a cheating husband issue.

[Anonymous]

Esther Perel wrote something like, “we don’t own our loved ones, we only have them on loan, with an option to renew, or not.” That is probably not the exact quote but the sentiment really stuck with me. I understand her point to be that if we want to sustain a relationship, we have to be very intentional about maintaining it. Especially when kids are grown, both parties are able-bodied and all that, no one is obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage. No one is “entitled” to someone else else’s permanent loyalty, no matter what. You have to keep on earning it. My spouse doesn’t owe me his life. He owes me honesty, and effort, but I have no right to insist he stay with me forever just because I prefer it that way.

Yes it is sad when a long-term marriage falls apart. But when one person is so unhappy that they say they want a separation… well, things are not working. He chose not to exercise his renewal option. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person. Or her.

I’m in my second marriage now, and when I look back on my first, I can see all the way in which both i and my ex screwed up. Looking back now with 15 years distance, I can see all the ways in which each of us was confused, didn’t communicate appropriately, and had inappropriate expectations. I don’t blame either of us. We didn’t have the skills to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a hard break up to motivate people to develop better relationship skills. This may be true for OP and her STBX.

I hope they both have better luck next time!

[Anonymous]

Esther Perel is a cheater apologist so that’s on point for her.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the main thing STBX did wrong was either being confused or being too cowardly to admit that he was done. Maybe he thought saying “trial separation” would soften it. It sounds like he was after of her anger. Which is cowardly. But also raises the question of whether she has anger issues that made it tough for him to be honest with her about his feelings.

It is also possible he genuinely was conflicted and did not know what he wanted, and started dating while separated (which he was up front in saying he would do), and that he gradually realized he just did not want to return to the marriage. Painful for her, and not an ideal way to handle things, but this doesn’t make him an awful human, just a regular imperfect confused person.

And OP do not beat yourself up for your anger. It is completely normal. But go punch a pillow or take boxing lessons and punch the heck out of a heavy bag. Dont let your anger control you. And don’t call his GF or trash talk him to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

Good for you, OP for taking a step back and trying to examine how you're feeling and why. And good too, that you show some willingness to acknowledge that you had failings in your marriage too. So he moved out a while ago. It sounds like you don't think you're attractive. Did his moving out motivate you at all to embark on any sort of personal improvement? Have you "let yourself go?" Are you heavy, out of shape? It sounds to me that you guys llost your attraction for one another and maybe you thought making it to 28 years of marriage guaranteed you would stay together no matter how unhappy or how sexless it became and that created a sense of complacentcy. It sounds very painful but try and see this as a chance to try and be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

I'm sorry OP. You are in good company. Seriously. You are not alone and lots and lots of other people have been blindsided by a cheating spouse. Check out chumplady website and messageboard

Your marriage is now over. Divorce turns an emotional relationship into a business relationship. You are now in the business of looking out for yourself and unwinding the life you build with this f*ckwit. Get yourself a therapist for emotional support, get yourself a lawyer for legal advice and start reviewing your expenses to figure out what you need from the divorce.

Hold your head high. Life is better without dragging a reluctant dude along for the ride. Don't accept anyone in your life who isn't absolutely psyched to be there. The other woman deserves not a moment of your time or attention.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine if you want to tell your kids the truth, but don’t demand they take sides and don’t talk to the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Esther Perel is a cheater apologist so that’s on point for her.

She's also open minded which you clearly are not. I think that might be a good quality for a therapist to have. Maybe you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Esther Perel is a cheater apologist so that’s on point for her.

She's also open minded which you clearly are not. I think that might be a good quality for a therapist to have. Maybe you too.

I don’t need to tolerate cheaters. You are free to have your own values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

I'm sorry OP. You are in good company. Seriously. You are not alone and lots and lots of other people have been blindsided by a cheating spouse. Check out chumplady website and messageboard

Your marriage is now over. Divorce turns an emotional relationship into a business relationship. You are now in the business of looking out for yourself and unwinding the life you build with this f*ckwit. Get yourself a therapist for emotional support, get yourself a lawyer for legal advice and start reviewing your expenses to figure out what you need from the divorce.

Hold your head high. Life is better without dragging a reluctant dude along for the ride. Don't accept anyone in your life who isn't absolutely psyched to be there. The other woman deserves not a moment of your time or attention.

NP, and on the road to indifference. Maybe this explains why in some ways things got easier/better with my cheating ex as the marriage crumbled. he's always been a transactional person and when I stopped bidding for emotional support and began treating everything transactionally things were much clearer and more rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

Respectfully, OP, stop with the internal fault-blaming. No one is perfect. Your brain is falling into a common logical trap. First, throw out the myth that being a bad partner somehow drives someone to cheat — that logic assumes the other person is perfect, because if imperfection justified infidelity, you’d have cheated too. You still deserve honesty and respect. Really ask yourself what actions would ever justify being deceived or betrayed. Chances are, what you’ve listed isn’t anywhere near that threshold (and frankly, it’s hard to think of anything that would).

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t change the facts - he left regardless. I would get on with the divorce.