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[quote=Anonymous]Esther Perel wrote something like, “we don’t own our loved ones, we only have them on loan, with an option to renew, or not.” That is probably not the exact quote but the sentiment really stuck with me. I understand her point to be that if we want to sustain a relationship, we have to be very intentional about maintaining it. Especially when kids are grown, both parties are able-bodied and all that, no one is obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage. No one is “entitled” to someone else else’s permanent loyalty, no matter what. You have to keep on earning it. My spouse doesn’t owe me his life. He owes me honesty, and effort, but I have no right to insist he stay with me forever just because I prefer it that way.

Yes it is sad when a long-term marriage falls apart. But when one person is so unhappy that they say they want a separation… well, things are not working. He chose not to exercise his renewal option. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person. Or her.

I’m in my second marriage now, and when I look back on my first, I can see all the way in which both i and my ex screwed up. Looking back now with 15 years distance, I can see all the ways in which each of us was confused, didn’t communicate appropriately, and had inappropriate expectations. I don’t blame either of us. We didn’t have the skills to make the marriage work.  Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a hard break up to motivate people to develop better relationship skills.  This may be true for OP and her STBX.

I hope they both have better luck next time!
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