Calling DH's new GF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I should tell our kids exactly what their dad has been doing

This calmly. In a sentence or two. Once. The truth. Contacting the GF, no. Absolutely no.

OP has zero idea what happened. The only fact she knows is that he has a new GF 8 months after they separated and he moved out. She could tell the adult kids that but they likely already know.

[Anonymous]

That is… f*ed up.

Rise above it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. I was separated for years before the divorce went through b/c ExDH fought tooth and nail over every microscopic issue (he actually went ballistic at one point over a used stairmaster machine). Divorce would have happened in five minutes if it had been up to me. After a year, i started dating. Should I have let his foot-dragging keep me from moving on romantically? for years?

Sometimes footdragging over a divorce is an abusive effort to control.

Again, big difference between this and not telling your spouse you actually want a divorce. Trial separations should end with conversations about permanent status change, not revelations of new relationships.

He said the same thing either way, but there's a way to do this without being an asshat and this ain't it.

Likely the DH had made it very clear the marriage was over. He had moved out 8 months the ago! He wasn’t interested in counseling or anything that would indicate he was still working on the marriage. It doesn’t sound like there was much if any sexual intimacy in this marriage. OP may not have wanted to believe it was over but it was over a long time ago. She just can’t accept it.

[Anonymous]

Do not try to sabotage his new relationship. You have kids together. There will be weddings and holidays and other events where you will have to grit your teeth and stand together like proud parents. No matter what you are feeling. No matter whose “fault” you think it is. So start off on the right foot. Do what you need to do to make it possible for everyone to have a cordial relationship after you get divorced. If you start calling the new girlfriend and trashing him to your kids, in the long run, you are only hurting your kids, and yourself.

[Anonymous]

He didn't lied to her. Like a lot of woman, she delusionally believe that he chose her over you. It's as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Do not call his girlfriend.

I do think it’s fair to tell adult children that he left because of an affair. Do not go into details (obviously.) I see no point in protecting adultery.

You can tell your children that you want them to continue to have a relationship with their father and you don’t want them to choose but you are very angry and betrayed right now.

You need a lawyer—a very good one. Stop obsessing about the girlfriend and refocus all that energy on getting the best outcome possible.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? And how old is he? Don't tell this another one of those 58 years old man leaving his wife for a 40 years old woman. Why do women fall for these grandpa??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

Why is anyone assuming the new girlfriend is younger?

A middle-aged man who wants to f*ck isn’t going to get together with a woman his same age. Common sense.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is right. Be the bigger person here. Your kids will figure it out all on their own. He has been checked out of this marriage for a while now and clearly has no interest in salvaging it. Prepare for that financially, talk to a therapist and come out stronger than you ever thought you could

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He left 8 months ago and isn’t coming back. Your marriage is over.

Do not call his GF.

+1

There’s nothing else here. He’s done and has been done.

I don’t understand what calling her would accomplish. Would it give you a leg up in divorce proceedings?

FWIW your gut is probably right about his cheating. But he still wanted to leave and did leave. So how would a confrontation with her change that? And why don’t you confront him?

Work on acceptance and a strategy to move forward. Don’t act like an asexual shrew—move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married for 28 years, two grown kids, and eight months ago DH dropped a bombshell on me, said he was unhappy and wanted to separate. I knew there were some issues, like mismatched libido (his high, mine low) and maybe we argue a lot about stupid stuff. But I thought we were committed. Anyway he moved out saying it was a "trial" separation but he wanted to be able to see other people and I should too, not that I wanted to. So then like a month ago he says he is not moving back, he wants to stay separated, and also he is dating someone seriously.

I know who she is an I am 99.9% sure he was cheating on me with her even before he moved out. I asked him when this started and he refused to answer, saying we are now separated and he's not going to let me give him the third degree. I am so angry I want to tear his limbs off. If he had any respect for me at all he would come clean about what he has been doing. He refused to do therapy with me or anything and I think it is because he knew all along he wanted out and has been sleeping around. I am still committed to the marriage but he is a lying s*ht.

I want to call his new GF and demand to know when this started. And I wonder if his GF even knows he was lying to me. Or if he has been lying to her, telling her our marriage was over before we even separated. I don't know if she helped him cheat on prupose or he lied to her too. And I think I should tell our kids exactly what their dad has been doing.

I talked about all this with my sister though and she is saying no, do not contact the new girlfriend, do not talk to the kids, accept that this is over and move on with grace and dignity.

Part of me wonders if she is right? But another part of me wants to burn his whole f*ing life down. He does not deserve to have his children's respect.

So in this marriage, you spent your time arguing about "stupid stuff" and you don't have happy sex and love each other.

Someone was going to check out the moment the kids were out of the house. Either you or the husband.

We live once. The husband wants more life. And you wanted stasis and endless tension and stress and boredom.

The girlfriend is irrelevant. This was a broken marriage with no joy or companionship.

Don't be pathetic and engage with the new girlfriend. The priority now is making sure the kids are good, and taking care of your financial situation. The marriage is done.

[Anonymous]

When you eventually feel better and start dating your sex drive might actually return once you’re no longer with a liar and cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

Why is anyone assuming the new girlfriend is younger?

Very often men tend to leave their wives for younger women. There are exceptions of course. I once overheard 2 women taking and the one of them said something to the other and she responded "She is only 34, of course he left her to be with someone younger" with a facial expression of resignation.

[Anonymous]

This sucks. Your stbx is cowardly and selfish and deceitful and gross.

But the fact is, that's why it's a good thing he's someone else's problem now.

My husband walked out on me a year ago, with some vague words about wanting to separate (which was weird, since we had an active sex life, never fought, etc.). It took me about six weeks to discover there was another woman. I did confront him, and he did admit it (we had already "overcome" an affair ten years earlier, so it wasn't my first rodeo).

And I was angry. People who haven't been through this like to attack you for your anger. How dare you expect respect and honesty from the person who married you, you should have known better that apparently it's OK to chuck those things out the window if your spouse isn't perfect (lots of conditional love-givers, it seems).

But the person who is divorcing you is someone you should be emotionally distancing yourself from. He's not the receptacle for your anger because he doesn't deserve access to your true self or your true thoughts. You'll never know the whole story on who he is or what he's done, but you know enough. And if that is hard to accept then you need to lean into all the self-care and therapy that you can do. Journal. Visit a rage room. Vent to your sister and friends. Write him letters you don't send. Write her letters you don't send. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but you get to choose how to respond to them.

And yes, your kids will figure it out. There's no way that they won't.

My kids are teenagers and they see stbx for the unreliable doofus that he is. His life has been chaotic and messy since he left, since he himself is chaotic and messy. But I've been doing the work. I grieved. I wept. I journaled. I leaned on friends. I got angry. I composed really funny recaps of the dumb things he said and did. And now it's been a year and while I'm still a little sad and a little mad, I'm mostly indifferent. I can be a friendly coparent with this guy because there's no universe where I would want to be married to him any longer.

His girlfriend told her husband that she had to leave him because he failed to love her as Christ loves the church . . . so she took up with my cheating, alcoholic, atheist husband. I mean, I love it so much. They're perfect for each other.

I have all the love and support of our friends and family. Even his best friend chose me in the divorce. Everyone is rooting for me, and loves to see how happy and thriving I am. Stbx and his girlfriend can have each other.

You don't get to a better mindset just by letting time pass. You need to be intentional. I had a mantra in the early days, "Thank you for letting me go." I said it many times through tears. A year later, the idea that I could be sad about not being with him seems so foreign. And I can't wait to see where I am in another year!

Let this be a time of self-discovery and rebirth for you. Let go what isn't for you. Let dumb cheaters be dumb cheaters. It's OK to tell people your truth, if they are people who can support you right now. But don't try to burn his whole world down, because you'll always be tied to him and it impacts your children too. And chances are, he'll burn down plenty himself.

[Anonymous]

Your anger ➕ bitterness is 1000% justifiable OP.

Your husband sounds like a common rat & doesn’t deserve any breaks.

That all being said - - your sister is correct.
While I would be furious at him as well, it also will not do one bit of good for you to call his new GF or tell your kids.

Trust me, she will find out all about her new prince one day.
Maybe not tomorrow……but she WILL find out because people usually show their true colors one way or another eventually.

And it is best if you do not get your children involved in such a chaotic mess.
It would definitely just be wholly unfair to do so.

What you need to focus on right now is you and your children.
Your main priority needs to be how to move on in the healthiest manner possible and trust me, badmouthing your husband will never accomplish this.

I know firsthand that what I am saying is all much easier said than done and you have my complete empathy.

But it never is a good idea to try to make another person’s life as miserable as you feel.
Let karma do its job because it always comes through >> one way or another!

Good luck!