Calling DH's new GF

[Anonymous]

Yes. It really doesn’t matter who was right, who was wrong, whether you used to be happy, whether your issues could have been addressed earlier. Now it is too late. He is gone and you cannot make him want to come back. Don’t try. Learn from it. But accept it and move on. Don't contact the girlfriend, you will just look pathetic or scary. And don’t lay the burden of your emotions on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

You need -
Therapy
A Divorce and a
Backbone

[Anonymous]

Get a good lawyer and focus on getting your fair share, OP. Try to maintain an amicable relationship with your STBX till the divorce is final. It will help things go much more smoothly. You don’t have to talk to him afterwards. Focus on your relationships with your children. Get into therapy for yourself. There will eventually be light at the end of this, even if you don’t see it now. Rage and despair are normal emotions at this time but don’t allow it to consume you.

[Anonymous]

How are you still committed to this marriage? He moved out! And yes of bc purse he was cheating before.

Get your sh*t together, serve him, and do tell the children. Where do they think he is all this time?

[Anonymous]

What marriage is it that you are committed to? Because he’s gone and has been for almost a year.

Plus, you feeling rejected and undesirable is weird if you don’t have any libido. You rejected him first, honestly. That’s twisted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t lower your dignity by trying to talk to the girlfriend. What will you do with anything she tells you? Try to move on gracefully and make sure you get a fair settlement. Get into therapy to process your feelings.

This. Also, just picture them laughing together at you after you call her. Don't do it. Also, don't involve your kids, it'll just make you out to be the bad one.

[Anonymous]

While your reaction here is 100% understandable, you really, really need to re-focus your energy. There is life beyond this divorce and you want to be able to live that with as few regrets as possible.

So,

1) get a great attorney and get everything you can financially. Leverage the fact that he wants to be divorced as quickly as possible in order to get things you want. Like, do you want to stay in your house? Are there stocks or other assets you want? Focus. You are like between 50 and 60 years old. The rest of your financial life is on the line here. Act like it.

2) Get a great therapist. Don't lie to your kids but also don't burden them with your emotions. They may want a relationship with their dad. Learn how to accept that so that they will still want a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

No. Do not contact the new GF. That is weird and stalkerish and will accomplish nothing, except making you look insane.

And be very careful what you tell your kids. This is their dad. If they have a bad relationship with him anyway it may not be a big deal to say you think he cheated on you. But if they have a good relationship with their dad, let them keep it! They will resent you if you start badmouthing him.

[Anonymous]

Dad left the family, not just the mom. He has a responsibility to his stbx and kids to move forward in a healthy way. It’s yo benefit the kids and the mom.

[Anonymous]

If the AP is a colleague then your ex has been telling her stories about how terrible his marriage has been for years. And she’s chosen to sleep with a married man. Not sure what you hope to gain from talking to her. Be glad that the trash took itself out.

[Anonymous]

Okay. It is not "cheating" when an adult who is separated starts dating, assuming he has told the estranged spouse he may do so. This is a situation in which the married couple has broken up! He moved out, said "I am moving out, I may date other people, you are also free to do so." The fact that this was framed as a trial separation is neither here nor there. He was honest with her about his plans and intentions. There was no deceit. (I am discounting OP's suspicions about whether he started seeing GF before he moved out, as we have no ability to know if this is true.) And his GF is not "sleeping with a married man," she is sleeping with a man who is separated and has been honest with everyone about his situation.

I get that there are super-Christians on here who believe that until a court hands down a divorce decree it is still adultery. But I don't think most people feel that way in this day and age. To me the relevant issue is whether he was honest, and as far as we know, he was. He may have disappointed OP, who hoped he would decide to make the separation temporary and come back to her, but it is not a crime for a man (or woman) to decide after many years of marriage that they are not longer happy, want to see what it is like to live separately and date others, and then conclude that they don't want to return to their spouse or stay married.

[Anonymous]

To the poster who thinks Esther Perel is pro-cheating: what planet are you on??

She says cheating is sometimes indicative of deep underlying marital issues that have not been addressed (or in some cases, that cannot be addressed), and she has empathy for many people who cheat. But she is very clear that it is a devastating betrayal and a terrible response to marital issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

I'm sorry OP. But don't take it all on yourself. I think first wives put in a great deal of effort to bear and raise children that later gf's and wives don't put in. They also live through the entire maturation (or not maturing process) of their usually same age spouse. That's a lot of relationship work, and many people end up with zero recognition for the efforts.

In long-time relationships, we sometimes erode each other like water passing over rocks. But some rocks are limestone and some are granite.

Also, you are dying to know answers now. But they may emerge later. Just in due course. More likely from your ex than the gf.

A relationship between two people who are "free" and who have known each other for long time can emerge surprisingly quickly. There may be no real answer to your question. For example, your husband might have found his friend to be "hot" ever since they first met. But not done anything about it until you separated. You would not be able to pin that down by talking to her even if she would talk.

Also people revise their memories of the past. And they lie.

So, yes, it's best to work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will not hurt him by doing this. You will just make yourself look like a crazy bisch. Following which, everyone (including your kids) will be like "well, Dad shouldn't have cheated, but no wonder..."

Play it cool. Be hurt, sure, but not martyred. Time to move on. Always be the bigger person and you win.

The kids may think "no wonder" anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you have some issues of your own. It does not sound like you took seriously the issues in your marriage. It sounds like you just took it for granted that he was going to stay forever, no matter what. I don't know if he cheated or not, but this was clearly not a happy marriage. Your kids are adults and he has no obligation to stay with you forever just because, especially if you were just expecting him to suck it up if your bedroom was dead and you fought a lot!

Spend a little time asking yourself if you share the responsibility for the collapse of your marriage.

And do not involve his new GF. You are not her problem. She will think you are a stalker. And you are not your kids' problem. Handle your own issues like an adult. If you are angry at your STBX, tell him about it. Keep everyone else out of it. Bitterness and rage are not going to win you any new friends.

I was thinking something similar. I don't know about OP's marriage, but I think many spouses don't do much to address problems in their marriages until they find out their marriages are ending. Many people assume, incorrectly, that their spouses will endure loneliness or hostility or some other major issues until death.