Calling DH's new GF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not try to sabotage his new relationship. You have kids together. There will be weddings and holidays and other events where you will have to grit your teeth and stand together like proud parents. No matter what you are feeling. No matter whose “fault” you think it is. So start off on the right foot. Do what you need to do to make it possible for everyone to have a cordial relationship after you get divorced. If you start calling the new girlfriend and trashing him to your kids, in the long run, you are only hurting your kids, and yourself.

Agree. Well said.

[Anonymous]

A lot of second wives were first wives, once upon a time.

I know middle aged men have a revolting tendency to leave their same age wives and shack up with younger women. But not all of them do that. Some of them meet and marry other same-age divorced women. Men don't just leave to find someone younger or prettier. Shallow men do that, sure. But not all of us are shallow.

I left my ex-wife because I realized at a certain point that I had never truly been in love with her, and had deferred to her on a hundred little things over the years because she would get so angry when I disagree that it never seemed worth trying to continue to push for what I wanted. She hated my job though it paid 3/4 of our expenses, had no interest in my interests and generally acted like I was a bit of an annoyance to her. She worked only part time even though she was repeatedly offered full-time work at higher pay, and I often asked her to take on more. We shared housework and childcare. We had plenty of happy times together, despite all this. We were good as co-parents, we took some great trips with the kids, we had comfortable evenings watching TV together. But there was no passion. She lost interest in sex early on. I finally suggested opening the marriage and she agreed, but then was furious at me when I spent time with other women. We closed the marriage again. The kids grew up and moved out. We stayed together.

It took me years to realize that I just wasn't happy. I felt like life was passing me by. And I felt like she and I never developed healthy relationship skills. I would try to raise an issue, she would yell at me, and I would back off and mope. I blame myself for this as much as I blame her. But the fact was, although we cared about each other and in many ways I like and respect her, I was just sad all the time. Still, I knew she would be devastated if I left. All our friends were mutual friends. I love her family. It felt like if I left, I would be blowing everything up.

It did take meeting someone else to prod me into making a change. I guess you would call it an emotional affair. But it made me realize how much was missing from my marriage. It took me another two years to work up the courage to tell my ex I wanted to separate. Her reaction was rage and insistance that I "owed it" to her to stay, not dismay or curiosity, which reinforced my decision. Honestly if her reaction had been, "I am so shocked and dismayed to realize how unhappy you've been. Could you help me understand why you feel so unhappy, because I would like to work on our marriage together?" I might have reconsidered and stayed. But her anger crystalized things for me.

So I left! I started dating the woman I had grown close to, who is my own age and also has grown kids form her first marriage, and got divorced, and got remarried, and that was seven years ago. My ex is still bitter. But my only regret is that I did not try harder, earlier to confront the problems in that marriage. If I had, maybe we could have improved it, or maybe we would just have divorced earlier, but either way, I would not have spent nearly two decades of my life in marital purgatory.

So please don't assume the man is the evil one here! I'm not saying the wife is, either. Just that life is complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

I’m sorry, it’s really rough to be blindsided. This happened to me and I was so angry too. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t spent so much time being furious because in the end, he did me a favor. Start focusing on you and your needs. Once someone is checked out, it’s very difficult to get them back. As others have said, focus on getting a good lawyer and moving on with your life. It’s a traumatic situation but try to stay strong and focused on the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of second wives were first wives, once upon a time.

I know middle aged men have a revolting tendency to leave their same age wives and shack up with younger women. But not all of them do that. Some of them meet and marry other same-age divorced women. Men don't just leave to find someone younger or prettier. Shallow men do that, sure. But not all of us are shallow.

I left my ex-wife because I realized at a certain point that I had never truly been in love with her, and had deferred to her on a hundred little things over the years because she would get so angry when I disagree that it never seemed worth trying to continue to push for what I wanted. She hated my job though it paid 3/4 of our expenses, had no interest in my interests and generally acted like I was a bit of an annoyance to her. She worked only part time even though she was repeatedly offered full-time work at higher pay, and I often asked her to take on more. We shared housework and childcare. We had plenty of happy times together, despite all this. We were good as co-parents, we took some great trips with the kids, we had comfortable evenings watching TV together. But there was no passion. She lost interest in sex early on. I finally suggested opening the marriage and she agreed, but then was furious at me when I spent time with other women. We closed the marriage again. The kids grew up and moved out. We stayed together.

It took me years to realize that I just wasn't happy. I felt like life was passing me by. And I felt like she and I never developed healthy relationship skills. I would try to raise an issue, she would yell at me, and I would back off and mope. I blame myself for this as much as I blame her. But the fact was, although we cared about each other and in many ways I like and respect her, I was just sad all the time. Still, I knew she would be devastated if I left. All our friends were mutual friends. I love her family. It felt like if I left, I would be blowing everything up.

It did take meeting someone else to prod me into making a change. I guess you would call it an emotional affair. But it made me realize how much was missing from my marriage. It took me another two years to work up the courage to tell my ex I wanted to separate. Her reaction was rage and insistance that I "owed it" to her to stay, not dismay or curiosity, which reinforced my decision. Honestly if her reaction had been, "I am so shocked and dismayed to realize how unhappy you've been. Could you help me understand why you feel so unhappy, because I would like to work on our marriage together?" I might have reconsidered and stayed. But her anger crystalized things for me.

So I left! I started dating the woman I had grown close to, who is my own age and also has grown kids form her first marriage, and got divorced, and got remarried, and that was seven years ago. My ex is still bitter. But my only regret is that I did not try harder, earlier to confront the problems in that marriage. If I had, maybe we could have improved it, or maybe we would just have divorced earlier, but either way, I would not have spent nearly two decades of my life in marital purgatory.

So please don't assume the man is the evil one here! I'm not saying the wife is, either. Just that life is complicated.

Me, me, me, me, me…..
What a prince.

[Anonymous]

Does it change anything if it started before or after you separated? You’re likely right and he was likely cheating, but that doesn’t change the fact that he wants a divorce. He’s moved on and so should you. The best revenge is a life well lived. Move in with dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of second wives were first wives, once upon a time.

I know middle aged men have a revolting tendency to leave their same age wives and shack up with younger women. But not all of them do that. Some of them meet and marry other same-age divorced women. Men don't just leave to find someone younger or prettier. Shallow men do that, sure. But not all of us are shallow.

I left my ex-wife because I realized at a certain point that I had never truly been in love with her, and had deferred to her on a hundred little things over the years because she would get so angry when I disagree that it never seemed worth trying to continue to push for what I wanted. She hated my job though it paid 3/4 of our expenses, had no interest in my interests and generally acted like I was a bit of an annoyance to her. She worked only part time even though she was repeatedly offered full-time work at higher pay, and I often asked her to take on more. We shared housework and childcare. We had plenty of happy times together, despite all this. We were good as co-parents, we took some great trips with the kids, we had comfortable evenings watching TV together. But there was no passion. She lost interest in sex early on. I finally suggested opening the marriage and she agreed, but then was furious at me when I spent time with other women. We closed the marriage again. The kids grew up and moved out. We stayed together.

It took me years to realize that I just wasn't happy. I felt like life was passing me by. And I felt like she and I never developed healthy relationship skills. I would try to raise an issue, she would yell at me, and I would back off and mope. I blame myself for this as much as I blame her. But the fact was, although we cared about each other and in many ways I like and respect her, I was just sad all the time. Still, I knew she would be devastated if I left. All our friends were mutual friends. I love her family. It felt like if I left, I would be blowing everything up.

It did take meeting someone else to prod me into making a change. I guess you would call it an emotional affair. But it made me realize how much was missing from my marriage. It took me another two years to work up the courage to tell my ex I wanted to separate. Her reaction was rage and insistance that I "owed it" to her to stay, not dismay or curiosity, which reinforced my decision. Honestly if her reaction had been, "I am so shocked and dismayed to realize how unhappy you've been. Could you help me understand why you feel so unhappy, because I would like to work on our marriage together?" I might have reconsidered and stayed. But her anger crystalized things for me.

So I left! I started dating the woman I had grown close to, who is my own age and also has grown kids form her first marriage, and got divorced, and got remarried, and that was seven years ago. My ex is still bitter. But my only regret is that I did not try harder, earlier to confront the problems in that marriage. If I had, maybe we could have improved it, or maybe we would just have divorced earlier, but either way, I would not have spent nearly two decades of my life in marital purgatory.

So please don't assume the man is the evil one here! I'm not saying the wife is, either. Just that life is complicated.

Me, me, me, me, me…..
What a prince.

Don't be nasty. I'm not saying I'm a prince. As I said, I hold myself jointly responsible for not working harder, earlier to address the problems in my first marriage. But life isn't black and white. We all muddle through, and leaving a marriage doesn't make someone a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of second wives were first wives, once upon a time.

I know middle aged men have a revolting tendency to leave their same age wives and shack up with younger women. But not all of them do that. Some of them meet and marry other same-age divorced women. Men don't just leave to find someone younger or prettier. Shallow men do that, sure. But not all of us are shallow.

I left my ex-wife because I realized at a certain point that I had never truly been in love with her, and had deferred to her on a hundred little things over the years because she would get so angry when I disagree that it never seemed worth trying to continue to push for what I wanted. She hated my job though it paid 3/4 of our expenses, had no interest in my interests and generally acted like I was a bit of an annoyance to her. She worked only part time even though she was repeatedly offered full-time work at higher pay, and I often asked her to take on more. We shared housework and childcare. We had plenty of happy times together, despite all this. We were good as co-parents, we took some great trips with the kids, we had comfortable evenings watching TV together. But there was no passion. She lost interest in sex early on. I finally suggested opening the marriage and she agreed, but then was furious at me when I spent time with other women. We closed the marriage again. The kids grew up and moved out. We stayed together.

It took me years to realize that I just wasn't happy. I felt like life was passing me by. And I felt like she and I never developed healthy relationship skills. I would try to raise an issue, she would yell at me, and I would back off and mope. I blame myself for this as much as I blame her. But the fact was, although we cared about each other and in many ways I like and respect her, I was just sad all the time. Still, I knew she would be devastated if I left. All our friends were mutual friends. I love her family. It felt like if I left, I would be blowing everything up.

It did take meeting someone else to prod me into making a change. I guess you would call it an emotional affair. But it made me realize how much was missing from my marriage. It took me another two years to work up the courage to tell my ex I wanted to separate. Her reaction was rage and insistance that I "owed it" to her to stay, not dismay or curiosity, which reinforced my decision. Honestly if her reaction had been, "I am so shocked and dismayed to realize how unhappy you've been. Could you help me understand why you feel so unhappy, because I would like to work on our marriage together?" I might have reconsidered and stayed. But her anger crystalized things for me.

So I left! I started dating the woman I had grown close to, who is my own age and also has grown kids form her first marriage, and got divorced, and got remarried, and that was seven years ago. My ex is still bitter. But my only regret is that I did not try harder, earlier to confront the problems in that marriage. If I had, maybe we could have improved it, or maybe we would just have divorced earlier, but either way, I would not have spent nearly two decades of my life in marital purgatory.

So please don't assume the man is the evil one here! I'm not saying the wife is, either. Just that life is complicated.

Me, me, me, me, me…..
What a prince.

Don't be nasty. I'm not saying I'm a prince. As I said, I hold myself jointly responsible for not working harder, earlier to address the problems in my first marriage. But life isn't black and white. We all muddle through, and leaving a marriage doesn't make someone a terrible person.

If you want a prize for cheating on your wife and leaving then you may be in the wrong place.

[Anonymous]

HOW IS THAT CHEATING???

[Anonymous]

If your spouse checks out emotionally and you no longer have sex and you just decide to let it slide for years and years, instead of trying to figure out what is wrong and fix it... well, then you really should not be too shocked if eventually your spouse says, "You know what? I'm out of here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is right.

Your sister is absolutely right. Sorry op. Your marriage is over. I understand you are hurting, but you’ll keep hurting yourself by going that route. Accept it is over.

You say in your OP that you are still committed to the marriage, but I am sorry, there is nothing for you to be committed to - your husband left and moved on, and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to move on.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call the girlfriend.

But I would be tempted to let my children know the real situation, if they are adults.

Your husband made a commitment to you for life. You don't just dump your wife and the mother of your children because you're not getting laid as much as you want. If there's anything that the conservative push these days will hopefully lead to, it's a return to family values and the preservation of marriage.

I think your husband doesn't deserve their respect, he has wronged you and your children should know what happened. He is the one responsible for breaking up your family. Why should you look as responsible for the break up of your family when it was your husband who broke your marriage vows?

I'm not trying to stir up trouble for you but I don't know why men should get off the hook like this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if she was less of an asexual shrew he'd have stayed? Doesn't the wife bear any responsibility for making a marriage work?

It's a marriage, not a life sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't call the girlfriend.

But I would be tempted to let my children know the real situation, if they are adults.

Your husband made a commitment to you for life. You don't just dump your wife and the mother of your children because you're not getting laid as much as you want. If there's anything that the conservative push these days will hopefully lead to, it's a return to family values and the preservation of marriage.

I think your husband doesn't deserve their respect, he has wronged you and your children should know what happened. He is the one responsible for breaking up your family. Why should you look as responsible for the break up of your family when it was your husband who broke your marriage vows?

I'm not trying to stir up trouble for you but I don't know why men should get off the hook like this.

Heh, heh. The “conservative push” is towards women opening their legs to their men on demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if she was less of an asexual shrew he'd have stayed? Doesn't the wife bear any responsibility for making a marriage work?

It's a marriage, not a life sentence.

Why do people then vow "as long as we both shall live" if they are not contemplating a permanent arrangement?

I haven't been to a wedding yet that had those words subtracted from the vows.

That is why some people expect permanence in imperfect situations.

I also believe there's a second decision point after marriage when people decide to have kids. People need to still be all in on the marriage at that point. My son had a bunch of friends whose parents were getting divorced when they were in kindergarten. I always wondered how people could flip their attitudes around so drastically within 5 years. I know little kids are hard. But still...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.” I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough.
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM.

All of these feelings are totally, totally normal.

Your anger is a catalyst to help you change your life.

Just remember that finding fault with yourself can be a coping mechanism designed to make you feel in control when, in fact, you are not able to control what other people do. The truth is that sometimes marriages end. Sometimes people have midlife crises or affairs. Sometimes people become addicts. Sometimes people suffer brain injuries. All sorts of things can happen, and marriages end. It doesn't mean that you brought it on yourself. Other people can be unpredictable and so loving other people always opens us up to the possibility of hurt, not least of all because each of us will die one day.

I was heartbroken when my stbx blindsided me with a separation (and, by his own admission, started sleeping with his new girlfriend one week after last sleeping with me, if we can believe him). I felt like you do. But I'll be damned if I'll pine after someone who doesn't want me. So I shifted my focus. I carried my sorrows tenderly and released them. I raged and cried. I let friends comfort me. I began to remember who I am, and why I am lovely, and I began to see how much better my life is away from the selfish, chaotic flaming dumpster fire that is my soon-to-be ex-husband.