Calling DH's new GF

[Anonymous]

^ You absolutely suck. Sex is an important part of a marriage but definitely not the most important part. Cheating on your spouse is cowardly, and walking away from a marriage if 28 years without taking any steps to fix is beyond immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely call the girlfriend, but gimme a sec. Gonna put some popcorn in first. I'm here for it.

This happened to me!! I mean, I was the new GF who was contacted by the enraged wife!

I felt terrible for her. Really embarrassed for her. And I understood why she might have felt angry at her ex. But, not my fault their marriage had broken up. He did not leave her for me.

I told her, as kindly, as I could, that these were issues she needed to be discussing with him, not with me. She was just so angry. She really could not process much of anything. I felt sorry for her. And a little tiny bit worried about whether she was going to become a permanent stalker.

But I really don’t get the people who think it’s somehow wrong to date someone who is separated from their spouse. As long as they are being transparent, I don’t see the issue. There are all kinds of reasons it can take a long time for a divorce to go through. I don’t think separated people are obligated to remain celibate until they got a piece of paper from a court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ You absolutely suck. Sex is an important part of a marriage but definitely not the most important part. Cheating on your spouse is cowardly, and walking away from a marriage if 28 years without taking any steps to fix is beyond immature.

We only have OP's word for that. And she does not seem like the most trustworthy source herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t do anything wrong. Sex is the most important part of a relationship and you left that behind. He properly separated and found someone.

People should get divorced before they monkey branch into a new relationship.

Imagine being a married man’s “girlfriend?” No self respect happening in that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely call the girlfriend, but gimme a sec. Gonna put some popcorn in first. I'm here for it.

This happened to me!! I mean, I was the new GF who was contacted by the enraged wife!

I felt terrible for her. Really embarrassed for her. And I understood why she might have felt angry at her ex. But, not my fault their marriage had broken up. He did not leave her for me.

I told her, as kindly, as I could, that these were issues she needed to be discussing with him, not with me. She was just so angry. She really could not process much of anything. I felt sorry for her. And a little tiny bit worried about whether she was going to become a permanent stalker.

But I really don’t get the people who think it’s somehow wrong to date someone who is separated from their spouse. As long as they are being transparent, I don’t see the issue. There are all kinds of reasons it can take a long time for a divorce to go through. I don’t think separated people are obligated to remain celibate until they got a piece of paper from a court.

Plus after the married man realizes he is better off with his wife and family, he can just dip back and leave his girlfriend holding the bag. Convenient!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t do anything wrong. Sex is the most important part of a relationship and you left that behind. He properly separated and found someone.

Loyalty is the most important part of a relationship, and a person who leaves and near-immediately "finds" someone else likely didn't have any. Bro couldn't even wait until he'd filed for divorce, or been separated for a single year. He's a gobshite.

OP, don't call her. You're not responsible for her, she'll figure it out anyway (as will your kids), and he'll use it to make you look crazy. Just get an attorney and get a divorce. It'll sting a bit in the short term, but you'll be the winner in the end. Sorry 'your' man was trash.

[Anonymous]

Oh come on. I was separated for years before the divorce went through b/c ExDH fought tooth and nail over every microscopic issue (he actually went ballistic at one point over a used stairmaster machine). Divorce would have happened in five minutes if it had been up to me. After a year, i started dating. Should I have let his foot-dragging keep me from moving on romantically? for years?

Sometimes footdragging over a divorce is an abusive effort to control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely call the girlfriend, but gimme a sec. Gonna put some popcorn in first. I'm here for it.

This happened to me!! I mean, I was the new GF who was contacted by the enraged wife!

I felt terrible for her. Really embarrassed for her. And I understood why she might have felt angry at her ex. But, not my fault their marriage had broken up. He did not leave her for me.

I told her, as kindly, as I could, that these were issues she needed to be discussing with him, not with me. She was just so angry. She really could not process much of anything. I felt sorry for her. And a little tiny bit worried about whether she was going to become a permanent stalker.

But I really don’t get the people who think it’s somehow wrong to date someone who is separated from their spouse. As long as they are being transparent, I don’t see the issue. There are all kinds of reasons it can take a long time for a divorce to go through. I don’t think separated people are obligated to remain celibate until they got a piece of paper from a court.

I think it's fine to date someone who's truly separated from their spouse. The issue here is that OP didn't know that separation was gonna be permanent until her DH made it clear he was in a new relationship. There's a big difference between "we're separated, will never get back together, will divorce when it's prudent to do so, and agree that the marriage is over, leaving us free to meet and date new people" and "I'm not happy so I'm gonna separate for a bit" and then coming back with a new partner. He didn't need to remain celibate, but he did need to be honest about the fact that he had no intention of staying celibate/married/engaged with his spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely call the girlfriend, but gimme a sec. Gonna put some popcorn in first. I'm here for it.

This happened to me!! I mean, I was the new GF who was contacted by the enraged wife!

I felt terrible for her. Really embarrassed for her. And I understood why she might have felt angry at her ex. But, not my fault their marriage had broken up. He did not leave her for me.

I told her, as kindly, as I could, that these were issues she needed to be discussing with him, not with me. She was just so angry. She really could not process much of anything. I felt sorry for her. And a little tiny bit worried about whether she was going to become a permanent stalker.

But I really don’t get the people who think it’s somehow wrong to date someone who is separated from their spouse. As long as they are being transparent, I don’t see the issue. There are all kinds of reasons it can take a long time for a divorce to go through. I don’t think separated people are obligated to remain celibate until they got a piece of paper from a court.

Plus after the married man realizes he is better off with his wife and family, he can just dip back and leave his girlfriend holding the bag. Convenient!

Or... they get divorced, he marries the GF, they live happily ever after , and every one of their friends and family members says, "thank god he divorced his hateful wife, we never could see why he stayed so long, at last he found someone who appreciates him anf they are happy together."

[Anonymous]

1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. I was separated for years before the divorce went through b/c ExDH fought tooth and nail over every microscopic issue (he actually went ballistic at one point over a used stairmaster machine). Divorce would have happened in five minutes if it had been up to me. After a year, i started dating. Should I have let his foot-dragging keep me from moving on romantically? for years?

Sometimes footdragging over a divorce is an abusive effort to control.

Again, big difference between this and not telling your spouse you actually want a divorce. Trial separations should end with conversations about permanent status change, not revelations of new relationships.

He said the same thing either way, but there's a way to do this without being an asshat and this ain't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely call the girlfriend, but gimme a sec. Gonna put some popcorn in first. I'm here for it.

This happened to me!! I mean, I was the new GF who was contacted by the enraged wife!

I felt terrible for her. Really embarrassed for her. And I understood why she might have felt angry at her ex. But, not my fault their marriage had broken up. He did not leave her for me.

I told her, as kindly, as I could, that these were issues she needed to be discussing with him, not with me. She was just so angry. She really could not process much of anything. I felt sorry for her. And a little tiny bit worried about whether she was going to become a permanent stalker.

But I really don’t get the people who think it’s somehow wrong to date someone who is separated from their spouse. As long as they are being transparent, I don’t see the issue. There are all kinds of reasons it can take a long time for a divorce to go through. I don’t think separated people are obligated to remain celibate until they got a piece of paper from a court.

Plus after the married man realizes he is better off with his wife and family, he can just dip back and leave his girlfriend holding the bag. Convenient!

Or... they get divorced, he marries the GF, they live happily ever after , and every one of their friends and family members says, "thank god he divorced his hateful wife, we never could see why he stayed so long, at last he found someone who appreciates him anf they are happy together."

Nice fantasy, grosso.

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister is exactly right. Move on with dignity. Don't drag your kids into it. You will only end up looking like an unhinged, sad sack loser ex wife. Of course your husband had no plans to come back after the so-called trial separation that he readily agreed to. Please. The moment he moved out he knew it was for good. He wants to have a sex life and that is normal. He is no longer committed and you won't change his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

Why is anyone assuming the new girlfriend is younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

Why is anyone assuming the new girlfriend is younger?

She usually is, but that's besides the point. The point is to instill doubt into their relationship.