Wife won’t sleep with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Your wife is incredibly selfish and a poor communicator. If she decides to stop having sex with you she’s not only making this choice for herself, but also for you. She basically signed you up for a sexless marriage whether you like it or not, and that’s unfair to you.

Bringing up running the house, and chores, is a cop out and a separate issue and it shows a lack of honesty and willingness to work things out. You’ve got to do your part, but every family is different, it can mean doing more housework, being the parent more involved with the kids, or spending time at work to bring in more money.

You should have a conversation with your wife about what your needs and expectations are related to sex, what is acceptable with you and a finding a solution that works, eg having somebody else on the side for sex, while keeping the family together. Also do some introspection to set your red lines. Is a sexless marriage acceptable to you for the sake of the kids and financial benefits of avoiding divorce? Communicate that to your wife and try to understand where she’s coming from and what she wants.

A lot of times women go through menopause and their libido completely tanks, and when the husband is unhappy, they come out with excuses. This won’t be fixed with doing more the dishes, these suggestions are ridiculous. Is she willing to take one for the team once in a while or give you a free pass? It’s a negotiation between the two of you.

This.

Possible solution, get her the maid she needs and get yourself the side piece you want. Cheaper than a divorce, and you’ll both be happier.

This is really poor advice. I am the wife in this situation and really it came down to what another poster described. I felt like my only use for DH was as a blowup doll. He really stopped putting any effort into the relationship so ofc I had no interest in sleeping with him. I later caught him on an app and I was like dude. If you put the time you are spending on that app into your actual wife then things might be better for you. He did, and now I think we are both happier.

Be honest here, do you really think him putting more effort into it, results in you desiring him sexually? It sounds more like a band aid, he is doing something nice to you and in return you put up with him doing you once in a while. I bet he’d rather have sex with someone that wants him instead, and without a doubt he’ll be back on the app.

Yes, absolutely. Many women need to have an emotional connection to the person they are sleeping with. By that I mean, sharing life with, doing fun things together, going on a date. A man basically ignoring his wife outside of the bedroom (when he wants some) does not create any sort of emotional connection for the woman. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you get fat? Men go through life oblivious that it matters to women too, but we don't want you when you do nothing to take care of your appearance, same with men.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a communication problem. You seem to have some level of affection for your wife, so I’ll presume you want to stay with her and have a happy marriage. Why not have a conversation with her starting from “I love you, I love being married to you, and we have a dead bedroom situation. I can’t be happy with the status quo. What can we do to change it?” And then listen to her and be committed to having to do the work necessary to change it on your end. Also be very clear and nonconfrontational about where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Your wife is incredibly selfish and a poor communicator. If she decides to stop having sex with you she’s not only making this choice for herself, but also for you. She basically signed you up for a sexless marriage whether you like it or not, and that’s unfair to you.

Bringing up running the house, and chores, is a cop out and a separate issue and it shows a lack of honesty and willingness to work things out. You’ve got to do your part, but every family is different, it can mean doing more housework, being the parent more involved with the kids, or spending time at work to bring in more money.

You should have a conversation with your wife about what your needs and expectations are related to sex, what is acceptable with you and a finding a solution that works, eg having somebody else on the side for sex, while keeping the family together. Also do some introspection to set your red lines. Is a sexless marriage acceptable to you for the sake of the kids and financial benefits of avoiding divorce? Communicate that to your wife and try to understand where she’s coming from and what she wants.

A lot of times women go through menopause and their libido completely tanks, and when the husband is unhappy, they come out with excuses. This won’t be fixed with doing more the dishes, these suggestions are ridiculous. Is she willing to take one for the team once in a while or give you a free pass? It’s a negotiation between the two of you.

This.

Possible solution, get her the maid she needs and get yourself the side piece you want. Cheaper than a divorce, and you’ll both be happier.

This is really poor advice. I am the wife in this situation and really it came down to what another poster described. I felt like my only use for DH was as a blowup doll. He really stopped putting any effort into the relationship so ofc I had no interest in sleeping with him. I later caught him on an app and I was like dude. If you put the time you are spending on that app into your actual wife then things might be better for you. He did, and now I think we are both happier.

Be honest here, do you really think him putting more effort into it, results in you desiring him sexually? It sounds more like a band aid, he is doing something nice to you and in return you put up with him doing you once in a while. I bet he’d rather have sex with someone that wants him instead, and without a doubt he’ll be back on the app.

I’m not that poster, but I posted earlier in the thread that DH putting more effort into doing chores and childcare and scheduling dates made me more interested in sex.
He was working a lot and going to the gym a lot and doing stuff to “better himself.” But sometimes in life there is just a lot of stuff you have to get done, and there really isn’t a lot of time to work on yourself.
I was a lot happier and much more interested in sex after he made a big change and started participating in our family life. I felt like I had a real partner. We saw each other a lot more. I was able to relax sometimes, sleep when I was tired, go for a walk, talk with my friends, get my hair cut, etc. We had good conversations.
It’s been years now. I don’t know that DH’s career ever took off the way it wanted to, and I know that he doesn’t have the body he wanted when he was going to the gym all of the time, but out sex life is great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

If someone cheats, they are the one at fault. They broke their wedding vows. It’s their moral failings and lack of loyalty. No one wants to be with someone like that. You trying to justify cheating as the wife’s fault is just plain misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Your wife is incredibly selfish and a poor communicator. If she decides to stop having sex with you she’s not only making this choice for herself, but also for you. She basically signed you up for a sexless marriage whether you like it or not, and that’s unfair to you.

Bringing up running the house, and chores, is a cop out and a separate issue and it shows a lack of honesty and willingness to work things out. You’ve got to do your part, but every family is different, it can mean doing more housework, being the parent more involved with the kids, or spending time at work to bring in more money.

You should have a conversation with your wife about what your needs and expectations are related to sex, what is acceptable with you and a finding a solution that works, eg having somebody else on the side for sex, while keeping the family together. Also do some introspection to set your red lines. Is a sexless marriage acceptable to you for the sake of the kids and financial benefits of avoiding divorce? Communicate that to your wife and try to understand where she’s coming from and what she wants.

A lot of times women go through menopause and their libido completely tanks, and when the husband is unhappy, they come out with excuses. This won’t be fixed with doing more the dishes, these suggestions are ridiculous. Is she willing to take one for the team once in a while or give you a free pass? It’s a negotiation between the two of you.

This.

Possible solution, get her the maid she needs and get yourself the side piece you want. Cheaper than a divorce, and you’ll both be happier.

This is really poor advice. I am the wife in this situation and really it came down to what another poster described. I felt like my only use for DH was as a blowup doll. He really stopped putting any effort into the relationship so ofc I had no interest in sleeping with him. I later caught him on an app and I was like dude. If you put the time you are spending on that app into your actual wife then things might be better for you. He did, and now I think we are both happier.

Be honest here, do you really think him putting more effort into it, results in you desiring him sexually? It sounds more like a band aid, he is doing something nice to you and in return you put up with him doing you once in a while. I bet he’d rather have sex with someone that wants him instead, and without a doubt he’ll be back on the app.

I’m not that poster, but I posted earlier in the thread that DH putting more effort into doing chores and childcare and scheduling dates made me more interested in sex.
He was working a lot and going to the gym a lot and doing stuff to “better himself.” But sometimes in life there is just a lot of stuff you have to get done, and there really isn’t a lot of time to work on yourself.
I was a lot happier and much more interested in sex after he made a big change and started participating in our family life. I felt like I had a real partner. We saw each other a lot more. I was able to relax sometimes, sleep when I was tired, go for a walk, talk with my friends, get my hair cut, etc. We had good conversations.
It’s been years now. I don’t know that DH’s career ever took off the way it wanted to, and I know that he doesn’t have the body he wanted when he was going to the gym all of the time, but out sex life is great!

Yeah, that totally happened. For sure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

For all we know OP’s wife has been clearly and frequently asking for concrete minimal help like doing the dishes a couple times a week and he’s blowing her off because he’s too busy “playing the long game at work” which is a red flag if I’ve ever heard one. Only OP knows, but it doesn’t sound like he really cares to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is the long game at work?

Doing the other woman after work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

For all we know OP’s wife has been clearly and frequently asking for concrete minimal help like doing the dishes a couple times a week and he’s blowing her off because he’s too busy “playing the long game at work” which is a red flag if I’ve ever heard one. Only OP knows, but it doesn’t sound like he really cares to understand.

If you don’t have sex with your husband for not doing the dishes a couple of times a week because he was working late, then you absolutely deserve to be cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

If someone cheats, they are the one at fault. They broke their wedding vows. It’s their moral failings and lack of loyalty. No one wants to be with someone like that. You trying to justify cheating as the wife’s fault is just plain misogyny.

Most people cheating while in sexless marriages would generally find some sympathy, men or women. It’s not like the other spouse can withdraw from the marriage while expecting the other to keep their promise.

I wouldn’t call it justified, but it’s understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Your wife is incredibly selfish and a poor communicator. If she decides to stop having sex with you she’s not only making this choice for herself, but also for you. She basically signed you up for a sexless marriage whether you like it or not, and that’s unfair to you.

Bringing up running the house, and chores, is a cop out and a separate issue and it shows a lack of honesty and willingness to work things out. You’ve got to do your part, but every family is different, it can mean doing more housework, being the parent more involved with the kids, or spending time at work to bring in more money.

You should have a conversation with your wife about what your needs and expectations are related to sex, what is acceptable with you and a finding a solution that works, eg having somebody else on the side for sex, while keeping the family together. Also do some introspection to set your red lines. Is a sexless marriage acceptable to you for the sake of the kids and financial benefits of avoiding divorce? Communicate that to your wife and try to understand where she’s coming from and what she wants.

A lot of times women go through menopause and their libido completely tanks, and when the husband is unhappy, they come out with excuses. This won’t be fixed with doing more the dishes, these suggestions are ridiculous. Is she willing to take one for the team once in a while or give you a free pass? It’s a negotiation between the two of you.

This.

Possible solution, get her the maid she needs and get yourself the side piece you want. Cheaper than a divorce, and you’ll both be happier.

This is really poor advice. I am the wife in this situation and really it came down to what another poster described. I felt like my only use for DH was as a blowup doll. He really stopped putting any effort into the relationship so ofc I had no interest in sleeping with him. I later caught him on an app and I was like dude. If you put the time you are spending on that app into your actual wife then things might be better for you. He did, and now I think we are both happier.

Be honest here, do you really think him putting more effort into it, results in you desiring him sexually? It sounds more like a band aid, he is doing something nice to you and in return you put up with him doing you once in a while. I bet he’d rather have sex with someone that wants him instead, and without a doubt he’ll be back on the app.

I’m not that poster, but I posted earlier in the thread that DH putting more effort into doing chores and childcare and scheduling dates made me more interested in sex.
He was working a lot and going to the gym a lot and doing stuff to “better himself.” But sometimes in life there is just a lot of stuff you have to get done, and there really isn’t a lot of time to work on yourself.
I was a lot happier and much more interested in sex after he made a big change and started participating in our family life. I felt like I had a real partner. We saw each other a lot more. I was able to relax sometimes, sleep when I was tired, go for a walk, talk with my friends, get my hair cut, etc. We had good conversations.
It’s been years now. I don’t know that DH’s career ever took off the way it wanted to, and I know that he doesn’t have the body he wanted when he was going to the gym all of the time, but out sex life is great!

Yeah, that totally happened. For sure!

Sure. A random internet stranger lied to you. You are so much better off believing the manospehere, watching their ads, and buying all of the crap they are trying to sell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When was the last time you took your wife out to dinner? And by that I mean, you asked her if she could be done with work by 6, you feed the kids dinner, hire the babysitter, make the reservation, and take her out?

What would a guy like this even talk about at dinner with his wife? Work or stories from 20 years ago?

[Anonymous]

You had one conversation with her about it? Do you see her much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My libido was killed by carrying my DH’s anxiety and dealing with the children. He’s helpful(ish) around the house and does stuff with the kids, but I’m definitely an afterthought unless he needs to unload angst. I’ve taken antidepressants on and off for years to help deal with the emotional/mental load I’m carrying for the family, but the side effects and cost are prohibitive.

I wish I’d married someone who occasionally lifted me up emotionally, made me laugh and made me feel like things would be okay, but I didn’t. I wish I’d married someone who occasionally notices when I get my haircut or asks me about a doctors appointment, but I didn’t. Now I’m middle aged and going through perimenopause on top of it and all of these things add up.

Leaving isn’t an option so I’m just trying to make it through the day to day. The idea of sex with him is laughable—hard to get excited about being physical when you are sad all the time. We’ve been to therapy with short term positives, but then we revert to the status quo.

+100000