Wife won’t sleep with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. Totally laughable. DH thinks he can come home from work whenever he wants, scarf a dinner I made while playing on his phone, ignore the kids because “work email”, do zero chores because “anxiety”, and then he has a right to whine that I won’t let him use my body for pleasure? Oh hell no.

How can men be this obtuse?

+1

Wafts into different aspects of real life when convenient for himself. Not attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

For all we know OP’s wife has been clearly and frequently asking for concrete minimal help like doing the dishes a couple times a week and he’s blowing her off because he’s too busy “playing the long game at work” which is a red flag if I’ve ever heard one. Only OP knows, but it doesn’t sound like he really cares to understand.

If you don’t have sex with your husband for not doing the dishes a couple of times a week because he was working late, then you absolutely deserve to be cheated on.

Wow. My husband would be pissed if I was regularly working late and leaving him to take care of kids, cook, and do the dishes solo. Especially if I wasn’t making any money, just “playing the long game.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Your wife is incredibly selfish and a poor communicator. If she decides to stop having sex with you she’s not only making this choice for herself, but also for you. She basically signed you up for a sexless marriage whether you like it or not, and that’s unfair to you.

Bringing up running the house, and chores, is a cop out and a separate issue and it shows a lack of honesty and willingness to work things out. You’ve got to do your part, but every family is different, it can mean doing more housework, being the parent more involved with the kids, or spending time at work to bring in more money.

You should have a conversation with your wife about what your needs and expectations are related to sex, what is acceptable with you and a finding a solution that works, eg having somebody else on the side for sex, while keeping the family together. Also do some introspection to set your red lines. Is a sexless marriage acceptable to you for the sake of the kids and financial benefits of avoiding divorce? Communicate that to your wife and try to understand where she’s coming from and what she wants.

A lot of times women go through menopause and their libido completely tanks, and when the husband is unhappy, they come out with excuses. This won’t be fixed with doing more the dishes, these suggestions are ridiculous. Is she willing to take one for the team once in a while or give you a free pass? It’s a negotiation between the two of you.

This.

Possible solution, get her the maid she needs and get yourself the side piece you want. Cheaper than a divorce, and you’ll both be happier.

This is really poor advice. I am the wife in this situation and really it came down to what another poster described. I felt like my only use for DH was as a blowup doll. He really stopped putting any effort into the relationship so ofc I had no interest in sleeping with him. I later caught him on an app and I was like dude. If you put the time you are spending on that app into your actual wife then things might be better for you. He did, and now I think we are both happier.

Be honest here, do you really think him putting more effort into it, results in you desiring him sexually? It sounds more like a band aid, he is doing something nice to you and in return you put up with him doing you once in a while. I bet he’d rather have sex with someone that wants him instead, and without a doubt he’ll be back on the app.

Yes, absolutely. Many women need to have an emotional connection to the person they are sleeping with. By that I mean, sharing life with, doing fun things together, going on a date. A man basically ignoring his wife outside of the bedroom (when he wants some) does not create any sort of emotional connection for the woman. Period.

Agree. Zero true intimacy or connection here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

What do you mean you “get angry” at talking about life?

Then you go demand sex? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

[Anonymous]

she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up.

so... what are you doing about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Find someone else who will. Your wife has forfeited her rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is the long game at work?

It’s where you work long hours and don’t pull your weight at home.

.. thinking that you will eventually get promoted, and get that big raise, and life will be better, but in the meantime, you don't pay attention to your family *now*, and it falls apart.

I knew a guy like this. They divorced. The "long game" still hasn't panned out. The wife is still the primary caregiver of their SN child, and she brings in more money than he does. I hope to god she isn't paying the loser any spousal support. He certainly never supported her or the SN child since infancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear angry men of the internet, I want to have sex. My wife let me know she’s deeply unhappy in our marriage, but I’m not interested in that! Please tell me how to get what I want without having to do anything different. Thanks! OP

Or help me justify cheating on her and breaking my wedding vows!

Good lord the bar is in hell for me. And they still bring a shovel.

Of course all the problems in your marriage are due to your husband! Duh, you’re perfect!

Seriously though, he’ll cheat on you. Not condoning it, but your expectations and communication are terrible.

If someone cheats, they are the one at fault. They broke their wedding vows. It’s their moral failings and lack of loyalty. No one wants to be with someone like that. You trying to justify cheating as the wife’s fault is just plain misogyny.

Most people cheating while in sexless marriages would generally find some sympathy, men or women. It’s not like the other spouse can withdraw from the marriage while expecting the other to keep their promise.

I wouldn’t call it justified, but it’s understandable.

Nope. There’s a way to have sex with other people - it’s by not being married. You’re disgusting .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

What do you mean you “get angry” at talking about life?

Then you go demand sex? Yikes.

Husband of the year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

don’t you want to be part of your family’s life? Don’t you want to be involved with your children? Don’t you want to be involved with your wife? Why is participating in your own family conditional on sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is the long game at work?

It’s where you work long hours and don’t pull your weight at home.

Exactly. It's when you hide by claiming long hours at work to avoid your parenting and marriage responsibilities, and there's no immediate benefit visible so you have to promise a long-term benefit. Meanwhile the kids grow up without a present father and your marriage dies. Love that long game, totally worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don’t clean at home. Try making and fully cleaning up from dinner for a week while also doing the households laundry. Help with homework and studying for tests. Your wife literally told you what the problem is, so fix it.

Engaging more with the children may eventually help with how his wife sees him.

But choreplay rarely works. He should do it, because he lives there. But it likely won’t get her hot.

NP.

Once a wife feels resentment, she will rarely, if ever, let it go.

But that’s not usually the only issue with her. Women get bored with monogamy far sooner than husbands. She’s bored with you OP. You can’t change that either; only a new man can.

There’s also likely the problem of: she has replaced her need for physical affection with you by all the physical affection she received from her children; she probably fulfills her other occasional “needs” by buzzing herself to sleep (if you know what I mean).

Point is: she no longer has any need or interest in sex with you. She gets her needs met in other ways.

Many women in marriages end up creating a roommate situation / sexless marriage.