If you had an affair that lasted longer than a year, tell me about it

[Anonymous]

My affair lasted 15 years. My wife found out. We worked on our marriage with counseling and time and we are married 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating wives are evil to their husbands, that’s why they are fun for immoral guys with no self esteem. They give their judgement, resentment and hate to the man that loves and has invested in her, while the joy thief gets to enjoy her fun, flirty and slutty side.

Hurt people, hurt people. Let the other guys deal with the crap and find a good woman.

Cheating husbands are complete pr@cks to their wives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My affair lasted 15 years. My wife found out. We worked on our marriage with counseling and time and we are married 25 years.

How long does your wife think the affair lasted?
What are the reasons you chose to stay with wife over AP?

(Not judging. I had an AP for 9 years, and we eventually both divorced and are still together 4 years later.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

This feels like gross malpractice. This person should be outed

[Anonymous]

I had about 15 affairs and the longest was just short of a year. By their nature, they don't last very long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had about 15 affairs and the longest was just short of a year. By their nature, they don't last very long.

Yes, by what typically is a woman’s desire for more connection, time and plans for a future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

This feels like gross malpractice. This person should be outed

Sadly, I have run into two marriage counselors like this. Affair backers. They blame the spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

This feels like gross malpractice. This person should be outed

My spouse’s therapist was like this- but even he saw through her over time. She was against anything he wanted to do to help the marriage. She didn’t want him to tell me about the affair, who it was with, etc. I saw emails during Covid and it sounded like she - the therapist- had a thing for him. It was sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

Could someone explain how this works logistically? Like at least one of them has to know the whole story. Otherwise, how do you explain being away so much?

I'd also like to know. If only so I can duplicate it. I'd love to have a double life.

[Anonymous]

It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

I appreciate you posting an answer to the OP's post. There is no reason for posters to come to this thread to blast people for replying to it.

My question is: Would you care if your DH was having an affair as well? I mean, if you found that he was getting something he felt he was missing from your marriage.

I ask because, after my divorce, I dated a woman who was married, and I asked her this same question. Her reply surprised me. She said that she would be hurt that he didn't want to work on providing her with what was missing in their marriage. Hearing this was enough for me to end it. If she had said that he was entitled to the same fun she was having, it would have made more sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

Could someone explain how this works logistically? Like at least one of them has to know the whole story. Otherwise, how do you explain being away so much?

I'd also like to know. If only so I can duplicate it. I'd love to have a double life.

You just bang them in the middle of the work day when their husbands are at work and you are supposed to be there too. Or bang a co-worker.

No missing dinners, evenings or weekends. They are hard to get discovered since no time is missing on the home front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

This feels like gross malpractice. This person should be outed

I kind of feel that way too, when I spoke to him about it it was almost like I was the bad guy, by my wanting to improve the marriage it only added more guilt and it made him lie even more. His therapist offered sympathy and told him his only defense mechanism was to split in two and compartmentalize his affair life and then build a wall around me so my pesky advances wouldn’t add to the pressure.
I’m all for a therapist being on your side but when they are essentially complicit in helping to mentally abuse someone they should have to answer for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

Could someone explain how this works logistically? Like at least one of them has to know the whole story. Otherwise, how do you explain being away so much?

I'd also like to know. If only so I can duplicate it. I'd love to have a double life.

You just bang them in the middle of the work day when their husbands are at work and you are supposed to be there too. Or bang a co-worker.

No missing dinners, evenings or weekends. They are hard to get discovered since no time is missing on the home front.

You didn't read the older post. This was about having a whole second family, not banging a fellow married or a coworker. Multi year affair that produces multiple kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

Could someone explain how this works logistically? Like at least one of them has to know the whole story. Otherwise, how do you explain being away so much?

I'd also like to know. If only so I can duplicate it. I'd love to have a double life.

You just bang them in the middle of the work day when their husbands are at work and you are supposed to be there too. Or bang a co-worker.

No missing dinners, evenings or weekends. They are hard to get discovered since no time is missing on the home front.

You didn't read the older post. This was about having a whole second family, not banging a fellow married or a coworker. Multi year affair that produces multiple kids.

That sounds absolutely miserable. Two spouses, two sets of kids….one set is enough. Imagine raising two families. Sounds very costly too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had about 15 affairs and the longest was just short of a year. By their nature, they don't last very long.

Yes, by what typically is a woman’s desire for more connection, time and plans for a future.

That's true for sure in some cases. In others, she feels guilty and wants to work on her marriage. Others just find someone who works better logistically for her. There are many reasons but these are not long-term relationships.