If you had an affair that lasted longer than a year, tell me about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

Cheating is absolutely abhorrent. Having said that, you probably have a major flaw(s) for him to behave like this

What a kind, insightful and thoughtful response, thank you.

[Anonymous]

It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

For fun I asked ChatGPT to respond to this and it echoes my own sentiments exactly:

You’re not “choosing yourself,” you’re choosing cowardice. You’re betraying someone who trusts you while pretending it’s some noble act of self-discovery. If your marriage is missing things, you owe your spouse the decency of honesty, not deceit. Marriage is long and complicated — which is why integrity matters all the more.

What you’ve written is a polished rationalization for hurting another human being so you can avoid uncomfortable conversations and tough decisions. You claim to be “at peace” with your choices, but the fact that you feel the need to write this sort of justification betrays that you’re not. You know it’s wrong — that’s why you used to call it a “moral failing.” And it still is. The difference is, now you’ve convinced yourself it’s acceptable because it benefits you.

People aren’t judging because life is complicated — they’re judging because you’re being selfish and dishonest, all while dressing it up in language about “joy” and “choosing yourself.” If you had any courage, you’d either fix your marriage or leave it cleanly before taking up with someone else. That’s what choosing yourself with integrity looks like.

Right now, you’re not choosing yourself. You’re choosing the easy, self-serving path that leaves collateral damage in its wake.

Own it. Or stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

Could someone explain how this works logistically? Like at least one of them has to know the whole story. Otherwise, how do you explain being away so much?

I can't but I'd also love to know. Also the finances.

[Anonymous]

Call my ex wife and she will tell you. I don't think she will cheat again. I thank my fantastic lawyer. Guys ai highly recommend a female lawyer if your divorce involved a cheating wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

What is your age?

[Anonymous]

It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

That’s a lot of rationalization to justify being so selfish that all that really matters to you is your own (temporary) happiness. Yes, it is a moral failing that indicates a massive lack of integrity and character.

[Anonymous]

PP - thanks for that AI analysis of an adulterer’s rationalizations of their actions. My STBX had an affair (lasted about 16 to 18 months) and I am sure he completely rationalizes it to himself the same way.

The funny thing is, at some point, he tried to reconcile, or at least he said he wanted to reconcile (probably when he was fighting with AP) and I would never even consider it. He disgusts me now. i could never trust him again, and I could never be intimate with him again. If he had had the nuts to tell me that he wanted to take time off, maybe there would be a chance, but the lying and the deceit are completely dealbreaker for me. So I’m sure he rationalizes it all the same way as that other poster, but he was too weak to be honest and so we are getting divorced with no other options possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call my ex wife and she will tell you. I don't think she will cheat again. I thank my fantastic lawyer. Guys ai highly recommend a female lawyer if your divorce involved a cheating wife.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

For fun I asked ChatGPT to respond to this and it echoes my own sentiments exactly:

You’re not “choosing yourself,” you’re choosing cowardice. You’re betraying someone who trusts you while pretending it’s some noble act of self-discovery. If your marriage is missing things, you owe your spouse the decency of honesty, not deceit. Marriage is long and complicated — which is why integrity matters all the more.

What you’ve written is a polished rationalization for hurting another human being so you can avoid uncomfortable conversations and tough decisions. You claim to be “at peace” with your choices, but the fact that you feel the need to write this sort of justification betrays that you’re not. You know it’s wrong — that’s why you used to call it a “moral failing.” And it still is. The difference is, now you’ve convinced yourself it’s acceptable because it benefits you.

People aren’t judging because life is complicated — they’re judging because you’re being selfish and dishonest, all while dressing it up in language about “joy” and “choosing yourself.” If you had any courage, you’d either fix your marriage or leave it cleanly before taking up with someone else. That’s what choosing yourself with integrity looks like.

Right now, you’re not choosing yourself. You’re choosing the easy, self-serving path that leaves collateral damage in its wake.

Own it. Or stop.

+100!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It started as an emotional affair for a very long time then moved to physical. I dont feel like I am leading a double life. It’s another person that brings a lot of joy, care and happiness to my life. My marriage isn’t unhappy but definitely missing things that AP provides. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and at my age I am finally choosing myself. I used to think it was a moral failing but realistically life/ marriage is long and complicated and I am at peace with my decisions. Others can judge and I understand that.

+1 Similar experience here.

[Anonymous]

Cheating wives and Hotwives are a lot of fun in the bedroom. Really uninhibited, willing to do the work, very appreciative of compliments & small gifts, and just very focused on getting to the sex (usually because they don’t have a ton of time).

They don’t want a complicated arrangement. It’s a ton of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating wives and Hotwives are a lot of fun in the bedroom. Really uninhibited, willing to do the work, very appreciative of compliments & small gifts, and just very focused on getting to the sex (usually because they don’t have a ton of time).

They don’t want a complicated arrangement. It’s a ton of fun.

Until they get discovered and the blow up two families. Yeah…a barrel of monkeys, so fun…trauma to kids and spouses.