If you had an affair that lasted longer than a year, tell me about it

[Anonymous]

What, and get blasted by the puritanical mob on here? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

This is different from an affair in my view, this is Don Draper style lunacy that is probably the result of unprocessed trauma, mental illness, women not being involved enough in household finances, and plain old selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

[Anonymous]

I still love her. We lasted close to two years. Love of my life and soul mate. Surely she is over me now. I still think of her when I open my eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is one year a marker for living a double life, guilt, and shame?

If you don't feel the whole double life/guilt/shame thing from the start, you're not of high enough integrity to magically catch on later.

A year+ "affair" is a one-sided open marriage, and such a blanket disrespect for your spouse that you should be isolated from society for your extraordinary selfishness.

If you don't love your spouse enough to be honest with them about where your time/money/resources/attention are going, FOR A YEAR, you're a trash human being. Your spouse is either a clueless idiot, or aware and unable to justify leaving (or, perhaps, financially unable to leave). None of this absolves the cheater one bit.

Cheaters are absolute garbage excuses for people. Expecting them to grow a conscience over time is ridiculous.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you feel you live a double life? What about the guilt or the fear?

No guilt or fear. I don’t really even feel like I’m leading a “double life.” I have a wife and an AP. It’s the same life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

And what did you learn about yourself that doesn’t paint you as the martyred victim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you feel you live a double life? What about the guilt or the fear?

No guilt or fear. I don’t really even feel like I’m leading a “double life.” I have a wife and an AP. It’s the same life.

A trash bag is a trash bag in any neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

And what did you learn about yourself that doesn’t paint you as the martyred victim?

The only reason lying isn't a crime is who makes the laws. Being completely lied to and manipulated by a loved one makes you a victim of their cruelty. If you don't get that, well, we know what kind of person you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you feel you live a double life? What about the guilt or the fear?

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H did it for 18 months, his garbage therapist commended him for his compartmentalization skills.
I knew it most of the time it was going on, the children noticed his personality shift. Likely because of the stress of living many lies he couldn’t withstand the slightest inconvenience without having an existential meltdown and tantrum.
Just be honest and leave

Same with the enabling therapist!

I don’t think it’s fair to assume we know the entire context of that therapist’s comment. I immediately thought s/he was introducing some levity to the situation when he was describing his state of mind during the affair. Or even just a neutral comment because it was probably true.

The whole time I was suggesting marriage improvement clinics, intimacy building board games, sending him podcasts about improving relationships and he was madly in love with someone else.
His therapist told him that my wanting to work on the marriage put pressure on him to build up walls and compartmentalize his life with her and with me. His fragile psyche had to split in two because of the perceived pressure I was putting on him to improve our relationship when really all he wanted me to do was to take care of the kids, cook dinner and leave him alone to play on his phone with his girlfriend for hours in the bathroom.

He lacks any sort of grit and capacity for accountability, his therapist was an enabler and did nothing but help him formulate excuses for amoral behavior by cloaking them in psychology terms. He would come home from therapy and couldn’t wait to rattle off these sentences that sounded just like Instagram memes.

And what did you learn about yourself that doesn’t paint you as the martyred victim?

The only reason lying isn't a crime is who makes the laws. Being completely lied to and manipulated by a loved one makes you a victim of their cruelty. If you don't get that, well, we know what kind of person you are.

Oh dear. You need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not had an affair nor has my husband, but I'm a little fascinated by he super long term affairs. A year doesn't seem THAT long. WhenI was headed to college my BFFs father was outed (FAFSA?) As having an entirely separate family of the same makeup. 3 daughters with wife one and 3 with mistress, all the same age. The mistress lived in a house that was nearly identical down to the furniture of the wife's home. UMC vs more MC area but otherwise pretty much the same. I'd love to know the psychology behind that kind of setup, it makes NO sense to me why that would be desirable or how it was hidden so long.

I knew of a situation like this while I was growing up. Ironically the wife had all daughters and the mistress had all sons, so the family business was passed on to other relatives children who were born in wedlock.

Could someone explain how this works logistically? Like at least one of them has to know the whole story. Otherwise, how do you explain being away so much?