Getting over resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a large extended family (grandmother had 11 siblings). I don’t know aunt/uncle that hasn’t gone through this. It was not a big deal, at all. But, everyone pitched in to help. Family walked through to see if they wanted something, one niece sold some stuff online (she got to keep some of the profits), we hired an auction company to go through the rest. In one case we had to get a dumpster for stuff that didn’t go.
Afterwards we would host a bbq and everyone came and cleaned, painted for a few hours and then the home was put up for sale.
These are first world problems.

This is a tone deaf post as it follows many "only children" doing this alone.

Let me summarize PP: my giant family cooperated and shared responsibility. We ended with a happy barbecue. What are the rest of you complaining about?

Do you all live in the same general area though? For many families, people live all over the country. It isn't feasible for the entire family to fly in and do this, and people spend years trying to help/manage elderly relatives from afar. It is very, very difficult.

I am happy for you though, your situation sounds ideal.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom take care of many elderly relatives (her dad, my dad'd dad, a great aunt who was in a vegetative state for many years, another relative who refused to move from his hoarder apartment, and more. She always said, "you have to move before you need to."

Fast forward 30-40 years, and guess who didn't move until it was too late? That's right, my mom.

I think we all *think* we will do it right, and then we get there, and think we aren't that old, we aren't too old, and then we are and it's too late.

Exactly. I'm not there yet, but my best friend has a LOT of resentment towards her MIL for not moving out before she was incapacitated. She keeps saying she'd never do the same... but no one can know how their own judgement will be impaired when the time comes.

The reality is that people get resentful because they are forced to work for free without even the small repayment of gratitude. That's what sticks in your craw. I totally get that, and when that happens to me, I will be resentful as well! But I hope to remember that a lot of seniors never move in time, and I might not either!

It's not so difficult. Start getting rid of your stuff way before the need arises, in your 50s. That's what I'm doing right now. My kids are in high school and I have tons of their clothes, shoes, sports equipment, toys... and what not in our garage. I just donated all their bicycles. I personally have been telling my parents for 40 years (yes, it was that obvious already when I was a teen) to get rid of some stuff (since their 2 garages and the summer house was already full of old clothes, equipment... and yes, the piano that I played as a child and nobody has touched since)... and guess what, they've done nothing. My grandparents definitely did not have so much stuff, I think it was very uncommon to accumulate things to such extent as there never was so much stuff to buy and people used to patch and repair the things they had (including clothing and remember shoe repair?, not to mention household appliances). Bottom line: it's not quite "nobody knows how their own judgement will be impaired when their time comes"... start getting rid of unnecessary things now, I can assure you, you have plenty!

[Anonymous]

My MIL lives in another country, and is a hoarder. She’s even left stuff in our house. Seems like she will not be travelling to visit us anymore, due to health issues. I told my husband we should donate her stuff, or tell my kids to sell the stuff on ebay. He seems to fear her wrath and does not want to deal with any if it, and it drives me crazy. I guess at some point, I will be able to pull a “I told you so”!.

Her bedroom in her house is packed with clothes. I told my husband to not ask me to help out with her stuff because I will chuck it all. Plus, I am taking care of my mother with alzheimer in our house, in the States. Everytime her children bring up the issue, she lashes out at them.

I am grateful my mother moved a few times after she turned 60, so she didn’t have a lot of stuff when we moved her in with us.

I feel for them, but it is their battle for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with the right now. we have been saying for 6 years at every opportunity that my FIL (divorced, lived alone in house with a ton of stairs) needed to go into assisted living. As predicted, he took a bad fall and has been hospitalized and will never go home and we are stuck dealing with the hoarding situation in his house, his new medical issues because he never went to the doctor, and figuring out the finances. DH is an only and it is a six hour drive but FIL's wish is to stay there. We both have very busy jobs, 2 elementary aged kids, and it's about to be summer.

If you knew there were issues, why didn't one of you occassionally visit and take him to the doctor. It would be very hard on his own if he has mobility issues and doesn't drive. You are clear you don't want to be bothered so he's best there.

To the PP- you are a nasty, vile person who deserves all the negativity you put out into the world right back to you x1000. You have no idea about their situation and it’s none of your business to attack them in their time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in another country, and is a hoarder. She’s even left stuff in our house. Seems like she will not be travelling to visit us anymore, due to health issues. I told my husband we should donate her stuff, or tell my kids to sell the stuff on ebay. He seems to fear her wrath and does not want to deal with any if it, and it drives me crazy. I guess at some point, I will be able to pull a “I told you so”!.

Her bedroom in her house is packed with clothes. I told my husband to not ask me to help out with her stuff because I will chuck it all. Plus, I am taking care of my mother with alzheimer in our house, in the States. Everytime her children bring up the issue, she lashes out at them.

I am grateful my mother moved a few times after she turned 60, so she didn’t have a lot of stuff when we moved her in with us.

I feel for them, but it is their battle for now.

So, your mom is welcome but you belittle your MIL? Who cares about her house in another country. You can get rid of it all when she dies. When my mom died and we were cleaning out her house, we found a lot of boxes unopened….QVC. It was a bright spot opening the box to see what she ordered. We donated and trashed what we didn’t want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives in another country, and is a hoarder. She’s even left stuff in our house. Seems like she will not be travelling to visit us anymore, due to health issues. I told my husband we should donate her stuff, or tell my kids to sell the stuff on ebay. He seems to fear her wrath and does not want to deal with any if it, and it drives me crazy. I guess at some point, I will be able to pull a “I told you so”!.

Her bedroom in her house is packed with clothes. I told my husband to not ask me to help out with her stuff because I will chuck it all. Plus, I am taking care of my mother with alzheimer in our house, in the States. Everytime her children bring up the issue, she lashes out at them.

I am grateful my mother moved a few times after she turned 60, so she didn’t have a lot of stuff when we moved her in with us.

I feel for them, but it is their battle for now.

So, your mom is welcome but you belittle your MIL? Who cares about her house in another country. You can get rid of it all when she dies. When my mom died and we were cleaning out her house, we found a lot of boxes unopened….QVC. It was a bright spot opening the box to see what she ordered. We donated and trashed what we didn’t want.

I am an only child, so I have no other choice. My MIL would have to get a green card to move here permanently. Then there is that pesky health insurance issue too. When she was healthier, and could travel, she stayed with us for one to two months each year. She also has a son and a daughter in her home country. Add to that, the daughter, and her family live for free in my MIL’s house.

Was your mom a hoarder? My MIL saves the grocery store styrofoam veggie and fruit trays, along with glass containers. Her clothes are moldy, because they are still in bags. She pretty much wears the same clothes, and is a homebody.

She gave me a hard time for not saving formula stained walmart brand onsies for her yet to be born grandkids. She also gave me a hard time for not dressing my kids in her daughter’s 1994 style dresses to go to a bouncy house birthday party. I mean, she had to prove to us that saving all those dresses was the smart thing to do. Mind you, she lives in a Third World country, where poor kids knock on her door asking for food.