Getting over resentment

[Anonymous]

Moving parents who have early dementia and are fall risks into assisted living from their huge home of many years. They've done absolutely nothing to prepare for this stage in their lives. My siblings and I over the years have had to hire and manage home health aides, have them assessed by a geriatric social worker, pick assisted living, facilitate this whole move. They refuse to see the reality of their decline and have no idea how it impacts us as their kids. They still think we are evil for taking their cars away. I can not imagine putting my child in this situation and am having trouble getting over the resentment of making zero plans for themselves. Anyone BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Are they boomers? Everyone hates stereotypes but this is an example of the stereotype being based on truth.

[Anonymous]

I watched my mom take care of many elderly relatives (her dad, my dad'd dad, a great aunt who was in a vegetative state for many years, another relative who refused to move from his hoarder apartment, and more. She always said, "you have to move before you need to."

Fast forward 30-40 years, and guess who didn't move until it was too late? That's right, my mom.

I think we all *think* we will do it right, and then we get there, and think we aren't that old, we aren't too old, and then we are and it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom take care of many elderly relatives (her dad, my dad'd dad, a great aunt who was in a vegetative state for many years, another relative who refused to move from his hoarder apartment, and more. She always said, "you have to move before you need to."

Fast forward 30-40 years, and guess who didn't move until it was too late? That's right, my mom.

I think we all *think* we will do it right, and then we get there, and think we aren't that old, we aren't too old, and then we are and it's too late.

Actually some people do it right. The relatives I have who actually did the hard labor you all mention, broke the cycle with their own kids (most of them). My parents were the golden children who did little, flew in occasionally and were treated like royalty with little empathy for their siblings. They lived in denial and it has made for an utterly insane situation over a number of years.

We all need to do exactly what your mom said even if she didn't follow her own advice-move before you need to. Make these choices while you still have empathy and cognitive abilities in tact.

OP you have a right to feel resentment. Just don't let it eat you alive. Figure out what can be outsourced with their money. People say all these cliches about how your kids will be watching and following you example, etc. Your kids don't want to see you fall apart and be a martyr. You figure out what won't drive you insane because if your kids see you lose your mental and/or physical health with these duties, they will likely avoid them like the plague when it's their turn. Boundaries are a great thing to model for them.

[Anonymous]

If your siblings are sharing the load, that gets rid of one major source of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom take care of many elderly relatives (her dad, my dad'd dad, a great aunt who was in a vegetative state for many years, another relative who refused to move from his hoarder apartment, and more. She always said, "you have to move before you need to."

Fast forward 30-40 years, and guess who didn't move until it was too late? That's right, my mom.

I think we all *think* we will do it right, and then we get there, and think we aren't that old, we aren't too old, and then we are and it's too late.

Shortly after my grandparents passed away, my mom went into hardcore decluttering mode at her large house. It’s nice to see a cycle broken—lucky us.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they have been unable to manage for years and had no energy or ability to have done the work you want them to have done. Things are slowly sliding downhill.

[Anonymous]

Right there with you, OP. We've been bugging my parents for several years to make some plans. Or at least express some preferences beyond "we'd like to die right here."

And then my dad had a stroke, and we inquired about where she would like him to do the necessary residential rehab. Nothing. If they were on any AL waitlists. No. Where she might like to get on a waiting list in case dad can't safely come home? No idea.

What really makes me mad is that all their friends are old and well-off like them, so they've been watching people go through this aging process for years now, and despite our gentle pleas to give it some thought, apparently never connected their own age to what their friends were doing (getting sick, choosing and moving to ALs, needing PT/ rehab, etc etc.) My mom will yammer endlessly about the health issues of people I've never met, but when asked about her and my dad's long term needs and wants? It's like I asked her to solve a quantum physics problem.

Oh and the house. They've been asking me to take things forever. I live in a small city house with a family. The two of them have 3x the square footage. WTF am I going to do with a grand piano?? If the piano is keeping you up nights, sell it. There's not going to be some magic change in my circumstances where I acquire space for a grand piano, no matter how much you loved hearing me play it as a kid. I hate that I am going to have to dig them out of a lifetime of accumulating. It's a bad hobby to begin with. And 90% of it is going in a landfill. So it's not just bad for my sanity, it's going to poison future generations.

BUT-- and I don't know about you-- I'm already not doing that to my kids. Like I said, we have a small house, and I am aggressive about not accumulating clutter. I don't impulse buy. Nothing gets to come home with me just because it's "cute." If I set foot in a department store or discount store, it is in search of something specific, and if that thing isn't there, I walk out with nothing. I make regular trips to Goodwill instead of stockpiling outgrown clothes for... what? Why?? Why did they keep all this crap? >

Oof, sorry. I guess I had some stuff to unload. But to reiterate, I'm sorry OP. This sucks and they should have been more considerate of the mess they'd leave us. Let's you and me do better.

[Anonymous]

Ask where the old people they yammer on about went. Sign them up in those places.
Tell them you have an estate sale company lined up and they will sell or dispose of things after you have taken what you want and they have moved.

[Anonymous]

My parents were too busy traveling the world and living the good life. Occasionally we would mention something in a box in the basement unused they got as a gift and never plan to use like a BBQ set (they don't BBQ) and one of us would offer to take it. They would get so offended like we were were asking to steal their money. They had a dusty piano they never use and my sister offered to take it and even move it so their grandchildren would have a piano for lessons-how dare you!

now years later we are stuck getting rid of all this dusty unused stuff they hoarded-basement full, rooms full. They didn't use it, but could not part with it.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

For my in-laws, we had to find the assisted living place online. We're hundreds of miles away, online, trying to research best places. Meanwhile, in-laws are driving right by it everyday. Oh, and know people there. They pretend to know nothing about it. Pretend they didn't even know it was there.

Fast forward, MIL moved in after a hospitalization. One of several. All focus was on getting her settled-in and adjusted. Meanwhile the well-parent died. He'd been fine. Healthy, going to the gym daily, 7 years younger. All this to say, you never know. I use to think the best plan mattered. That all would be ok if there was just a plan.

For my parents, one SIL begged and guilted and wouldn't stop insisting we all rally and get my parents into an assisted living facility. She proclaimed each holiday that it was their last, and how dare we not be there. Reality was Parents lived another 12 - 15 years. Her intentions were good - but she didn't know.

You really don't know

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for all the support and commiseration. I’m laughing about the baby grand piano, literally same situation here.

[Anonymous]

When cleaning out his parent's house and thinking he was done, my DH sat down and cried when he discovered there was attic over the double car garage packed floor to ceiling with stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they boomers? Everyone hates stereotypes but this is an example of the stereotype being based on truth.

Greatest and Silent gens did this too.