Getting over resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

Focusing on blame is not helpful. Dealing with the current situation as best they can under the circumstances is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

Focusing on blame is not helpful. Dealing with the current situation as best they can under the circumstances is.

Oh stop gaslighting. Many of us are oh g all we can and we can also feel upset about our intents’ entitled and irresponsible ways.


Sorry it seems like you can’t walk and chew gum simultaneously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right there with you, OP. We've been bugging my parents for several years to make some plans. Or at least express some preferences beyond "we'd like to die right here."

And then my dad had a stroke, and we inquired about where she would like him to do the necessary residential rehab. Nothing. If they were on any AL waitlists. No. Where she might like to get on a waiting list in case dad can't safely come home? No idea.

What really makes me mad is that all their friends are old and well-off like them, so they've been watching people go through this aging process for years now, and despite our gentle pleas to give it some thought, apparently never connected their own age to what their friends were doing (getting sick, choosing and moving to ALs, needing PT/ rehab, etc etc.) My mom will yammer endlessly about the health issues of people I've never met, but when asked about her and my dad's long term needs and wants? It's like I asked her to solve a quantum physics problem.

Oh and the house. They've been asking me to take things forever. I live in a small city house with a family. The two of them have 3x the square footage. WTF am I going to do with a grand piano?? If the piano is keeping you up nights, sell it. There's not going to be some magic change in my circumstances where I acquire space for a grand piano, no matter how much you loved hearing me play it as a kid. I hate that I am going to have to dig them out of a lifetime of accumulating. It's a bad hobby to begin with. And 90% of it is going in a landfill. So it's not just bad for my sanity, it's going to poison future generations.

BUT-- and I don't know about you-- I'm already not doing that to my kids. Like I said, we have a small house, and I am aggressive about not accumulating clutter. I don't impulse buy. Nothing gets to come home with me just because it's "cute." If I set foot in a department store or discount store, it is in search of something specific, and if that thing isn't there, I walk out with nothing. I make regular trips to Goodwill instead of stockpiling outgrown clothes for... what? Why?? Why did they keep all this crap? >

Oof, sorry. I guess I had some stuff to unload. But to reiterate, I'm sorry OP. This sucks and they should have been more considerate of the mess they'd leave us. Let's you and me do better.

We always take something and then just throw it away or donate.

Pianos are a huge albatross. Nobody wants them which is why the only way to get rid of one is to offer for free AND pay to move it.

If it’s a Steinway, you can usually get a college or other musical school to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

Focusing on blame is not helpful. Dealing with the current situation as best they can under the circumstances is.

Oh stop gaslighting. Many of us are oh g all we can and we can also feel upset about our intents’ entitled and irresponsible ways.


Sorry it seems like you can’t walk and chew gum simultaneously

Not my problem, mine is dead.

But at the time it definitely didn’t help to get mad at her. That said, the grief process begins long before the actual death and I am sorry yours is making you so mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

Focusing on blame is not helpful. Dealing with the current situation as best they can under the circumstances is.

Oh stop gaslighting. Many of us are oh g all we can and we can also feel upset about our intents’ entitled and irresponsible ways.


Sorry it seems like you can’t walk and chew gum simultaneously

Not my problem, mine is dead.

But at the time it definitely didn’t help to get mad at her. That said, the grief process begins long before the actual death and I am sorry yours is making you so mean.

By grief process long before the end, for some of us, it means having all the responsibility dumped on us yet again while we get shat on. It’s not mean it’s the truth. I’m glad you had more of a nurturing parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

I'm going to need you guys to keep telling me this over and over again if you don't mind. I know you're right, but it's going to be hard to actually do when the time comes.

Call me. I will yell at you to do so

[Anonymous]

I’m on year 4+ taking care of my 87 year old mother (only child here) in my house. She has Alzheimer and is about stage 6. She could live 1-5 more years. I am already feeling guilty about l finally getting my life back once she is gone. I have missed a lot of events with my family because of her. She does not have enough money saved to place her now. I have to calculate/guess how long she will live before I place her in memory care… but also feel guilty about the freedom that will finally give me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on year 4+ taking care of my 87 year old mother (only child here) in my house. She has Alzheimer and is about stage 6. She could live 1-5 more years. I am already feeling guilty about l finally getting my life back once she is gone. I have missed a lot of events with my family because of her. She does not have enough money saved to place her now. I have to calculate/guess how long she will live before I place her in memory care… but also feel guilty about the freedom that will finally give me.

Where do you live? A lot of the care facilities I visited in NJ for my dad require 2 years of full payment (which is still a lot), but afterwards you can apply for the medicaid beds and medicaid prices. Yeah, the medicaid beds are generally in a shared room, but by then they have no idea what's going on anyway :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on year 4+ taking care of my 87 year old mother (only child here) in my house. She has Alzheimer and is about stage 6. She could live 1-5 more years. I am already feeling guilty about l finally getting my life back once she is gone. I have missed a lot of events with my family because of her. She does not have enough money saved to place her now. I have to calculate/guess how long she will live before I place her in memory care… but also feel guilty about the freedom that will finally give me.

Where do you live? A lot of the care facilities I visited in NJ for my dad require 2 years of full payment (which is still a lot), but afterwards you can apply for the medicaid beds and medicaid prices. Yeah, the medicaid beds are generally in a shared room, but by then they have no idea what's going on anyway :/

That’s not here. Here the issue is it’s Medicaid pending so you cannot even apply being in a bed. We got a private room but we got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on year 4+ taking care of my 87 year old mother (only child here) in my house. She has Alzheimer and is about stage 6. She could live 1-5 more years. I am already feeling guilty about l finally getting my life back once she is gone. I have missed a lot of events with my family because of her. She does not have enough money saved to place her now. I have to calculate/guess how long she will live before I place her in memory care… but also feel guilty about the freedom that will finally give me.

Don’t feel guilty. After a year of my mil living with us, I could not do it anymore and we could not afford help. I still visited and managed everything but she never would have wanted me to sacrifice my child over her which is what I had to do as she was homebound and it became a safety issue leaving her home alone. Pay for the care, then use long term care Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymo[code wrote:
us]Are they boomers? Everyone hates stereotypes but this is an example of the stereotype being based on truth.

No, previous generations of elderly (silent generation, greatest generation) were just as bad or worse. You just weren't on the receiving end.

Very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they boomers? Everyone hates stereotypes but this is an example of the stereotype being based on truth.

Greatest and Silent gens did this too.

Totally true. All of our parents left a mess for us to clean up. Many of the siblings are estranged because of the conflicts over cleaning up the messes.

[Anonymous]

I come from a large extended family (grandmother had 11 siblings). I don’t know aunt/uncle that hasn’t gone through this. It was not a big deal, at all. But, everyone pitched in to help. Family walked through to see if they wanted something, one niece sold some stuff online (she got to keep some of the profits), we hired an auction company to go through the rest. In one case we had to get a dumpster for stuff that didn’t go.
Afterwards we would host a bbq and everyone came and cleaned, painted for a few hours and then the home was put up for sale.
These are first world problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a large extended family (grandmother had 11 siblings). I don’t know aunt/uncle that hasn’t gone through this. It was not a big deal, at all. But, everyone pitched in to help. Family walked through to see if they wanted something, one niece sold some stuff online (she got to keep some of the profits), we hired an auction company to go through the rest. In one case we had to get a dumpster for stuff that didn’t go.
Afterwards we would host a bbq and everyone came and cleaned, painted for a few hours and then the home was put up for sale.
These are first world problems.

This is a tone deaf post as it follows many "only children" doing this alone.

[Anonymous]

Only child weighing in. Getting my parental home ready to sell and it’s been very hard, both physically and emotionally. I feel bad throwing out stuff that they are attached to, but I don’t have room for it in my life. And they have a 4000 sq ft house filled with furniture, art, clothes etc.