Getting over resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving parents who have early dementia and are fall risks into assisted living from their huge home of many years. They've done absolutely nothing to prepare for this stage in their lives. My siblings and I over the years have had to hire and manage home health aides, have them assessed by a geriatric social worker, pick assisted living, facilitate this whole move. They refuse to see the reality of their decline and have no idea how it impacts us as their kids. They still think we are evil for taking their cars away. I can not imagine putting my child in this situation and am having trouble getting over the resentment of making zero plans for themselves. Anyone BTDT.

I ended up on Zoloft for awhile

[Anonymous]

Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

I'm going to need you guys to keep telling me this over and over again if you don't mind. I know you're right, but it's going to be hard to actually do when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymo[code wrote:
us]Are they boomers? Everyone hates stereotypes but this is an example of the stereotype being based on truth.

No, previous generations of elderly (silent generation, greatest generation) were just as bad or worse. You just weren't on the receiving end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

No, they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of dementia is not understanding their decline and losing their minds.. you are being unfair.

Oh screw that. You can still make a plan while younger. They are to blame

No, they aren't.

They had a life to plan for this ish. Even if there was no money they could have had open conversations. Your kids are not going to be your clean up crew forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care ...

Low income housing is available. If income and assets are low, and are no higher than a stated threshold. Don't despair poster until you've done actual research, including research on areas outside the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care ...

Low income housing is available. If income and assets are low, and are no higher than a stated threshold. Don't despair poster until you've done actual research, including research on areas outside the DMV.

That's true. They can do what any of us would have to do should the worst happen.
You'd move to a very cheap block of apartments. Sell your house and possessions. You'd take a bus or walk or just stay home. You'd eat the cheapest foods and live very minimally. Read books from the library.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your siblings are sharing the load, that gets rid of one major source of resentment.

I have Mom in my house. Year 3. She’s mostly okay, but still hard. Siblings are no help. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

+1

+2,000,000

I’m happy to give you multiple reminders, OP. This is not even a close call. Your first obligation is to your children, not your parents.

My greatest generation grandparents did everything they could not to be a burden to the younger generations. It’s unfortunate their Boomer kids aren’t following their lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My dad retired too soon and my mom hardly worked. They seemed to think they were rolling in money but now that I've taken over handling their finances I am ten kinds of pissed off. There is a real chance we will have to make the moral choice of paying for my parents care or paying for my kids' college. I replay every unnecessary purchase they've made in the past 15 years, which is not helping me get over the resentment.

No advice, just commiseration.

No question, you prioritize your kids.

+1

+2,000,000

I’m happy to give you multiple reminders, OP. This is not even a close call. Your first obligation is to your children, not your parents.

My greatest generation grandparents did everything they could not to be a burden to the younger generations. It’s unfortunate their Boomer kids aren’t following their lead.

+1M

Biology flows downhill.