Meeting the ex-wife before the kids

[Anonymous]

If you are planning a potential future with him and want to have a relationship with his children I would meet with her. She may or may not be emotionally healthy but you can honor yourself and your own boundaries.

If my partner and I were to split up I would appreciate meeting someone important to him to help my kids make the transition. Also if he was introducing our children to new women often it would be destabilizing so I kind of understand the request. After a year though I’d be comfortable meeting his new person before or after the kids.

Many divorces take years to unravel the trauma and let go of old relationship patterns. They were married and now not. She may or may not be a kook (driving past the house and texting is not something I’d like an ex to do).

It’s worth a quick hello coffee to let her know you aren’t trying to replace her and you understand your role is not to parent the kids. It’s not a topic I’d avoid though I’d be prepared for what my own viewpoint is and how to be neutral with her. Form your own perspective here rather than just by going by what your boyfriend shares. And I’d not feel obligated to do it again or stay if it goes sideways. Be prepared. Stay calm. Know how you feel about this before meeting up. And I don’t think he needs to be there. That would feel like a gang up. 2-1. If you hit it off maybe another meeting all three of you or introducing kids together. Try to stay casual. Don’t preload things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to meet her, have coffee and an excuse to leave quickly if it's not going well. However, you are not obligated to meet her; she sounds a little crazy. DH and I have been married for 10 years. I've spent plenty of time with his kids (now all adults), but I've been in the same space as her maybe 5 times, and rarely conversed. DH did the graduations solo because we live on the other side of the country now and have young kids.

The second family. Never understood why these men are appealing.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Their parenting plan says she has a right to meet her, so meet.

I think it would be preferable if OP's BF came.

Otherwise, meet her for coffee and say "Hi. I am Larla. {BF's name} asked me to meet you, so here I am. What do you want to do at this meeting?"

In other words, to the extent possible, leave the ball in her court. You might have some questions you want to ask, but don't ask them unless the meeting ends up going much better than you anticipate. And those questions should not have anything to do with what went wrong in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

That is not in any way, shape or form an enforceable clause in court, just FYI.

+1
I've also always understood that to mean a hi how are you, handshake type of meeting. I would never entertain sitting down one on one, let alone to a meal! Why are you making this a bigger thing than it needs to be. If you want to meet her, just agree to say hi to her at something

[Anonymous]

I would not do this: it is not enforceable. If you feel you must, it would be coffee with the boyfriend. Not one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1st thing. Are you the AP?
I know he says you're not, and the marriage was "dead", etc- which is almost always a lie.

Was his divorce final (or at least separated for months before you met him?

Oh, good clarification, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a “six months exclusive dating before meeting the kids” clause. My XH never followed it. He’d introduce DC to people he had dated for a week! Worse, he’d have these women contact me to ask me to drop the clause so they could move in.

It was a mess until he died.

I'm sorry, PP ♡

[Anonymous]

The problem is not my reading comprehension. I have superior reading comprehension. Hence my ability to point out that she literally wrote "alluding to the fact that I'm a gold digger." That is stating she is a gold digger. It might not have been what she meant, but, again, my reading comprehension is not the problem here. I'm also obviously brighter than you if you need this explained.

NP. Actually, you do not possess superior reading comprehension skills. At best, you interpret words extremely literally. A person with superior reading comprehension skills would use context clues, as one is supposed to do, to determine that OP clearly meant that she is not a gold digger (and should have chosen a word other than “fact” in her sentence.) Most people reading this thread had no problem understanding OP’s intended meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to meet her, have coffee and an excuse to leave quickly if it's not going well. However, you are not obligated to meet her; she sounds a little crazy. DH and I have been married for 10 years. I've spent plenty of time with his kids (now all adults), but I've been in the same space as her maybe 5 times, and rarely conversed. DH did the graduations solo because we live on the other side of the country now and have young kids.

So you married a man who neglected and abandoned his first set of kids. Bravo!

No. His kids were already in or on their way to college in the NE - different states from both parents. And DH remains close with his older kids. They visited on school breaks, and now on work holidays. I haven't needed to have a relationship with his ex thus far; I suppose we may cross paths at a wedding someday.

Weren’t you friends with any of these adult kids who are “close” with their second family dad growing up?? This is a horror story.

[Anonymous]

Either she is that nutty and I’d run away to avoid the nut or he is winding you up to keep you off balance where meeting the kids is an unattainable goal because he or his ex wife are engaging in nonsense. The fact that you believe his narrative without feeling that you have met everybody aka “meet the kids” makes me think this would be an unhealthy relationship. You don’t have to adhere to his parenting plan because you didn’t sign it. Your BF has to know this. It looks like you want to meet the kids and he’s dangling them. Meeting the kids is important because they’re the most important people in your BF’s life and if he doesn’t introduce you to them you’re not that important to him. meeting them is not mothering them.

[Anonymous]

These responses are wild.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would take a back seat. It's up to your boyfriend to notify his ex that he's planning to introduce the kids to you. At that time he says, "You of course are welcome to meet with her first, per our plan." Let her set it up and set the location. This is just my instinct to indicate to her that you are not planning to insert yourself into the family in any kind of aggressive or too-speedy way. Like many women, you are putting a lot of thought and emotional labor into this, and while that's your choice, it's also not what is required of you in this situation. And it's probably not going to impress an ex who is making snide comments or texting about your car (to clarify, has she done that in the recent past or just in the beginning?). The best way to show you come in peace is to go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their parenting plan says she has a right to meet her, so meet.

I think it would be preferable if OP's BF came.

Otherwise, meet her for coffee and say "Hi. I am Larla. {BF's name} asked me to meet you, so here I am. What do you want to do at this meeting?"

In other words, to the extent possible, leave the ball in her court. You might have some questions you want to ask, but don't ask them unless the meeting ends up going much better than you anticipate. And those questions should not have anything to do with what went wrong in their marriage.

That clause is not enforceable. You can't bind third parties in your parenting agreement.

[Anonymous]

I would meet her for coffee. Lunch or dinner are too long and you definitely don’t want to meet for drinks and involve alcohol. I would
meet just the two of you and make small talk (work, where you grew up, hobbies, etc.). I would be warm and friendly and try to get off to a good start. Since he shares kids with her,
you’re going to need to interact with her from time to time if the relationship progresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their parenting plan says she has a right to meet her, so meet.

I think it would be preferable if OP's BF came.

Otherwise, meet her for coffee and say "Hi. I am Larla. {BF's name} asked me to meet you, so here I am. What do you want to do at this meeting?"

In other words, to the extent possible, leave the ball in her court. You might have some questions you want to ask, but don't ask them unless the meeting ends up going much better than you anticipate. And those questions should not have anything to do with what went wrong in their marriage.

That clause is not enforceable. You can't bind third parties in your parenting agreement.

It doesn't bind a third party. It binds the dad from introducing them. If she met them in some other way not because she's dating the dad, it wouldn't be violated.