Meeting the ex-wife before the kids

[Anonymous]

What is the point of meeting the kids?

Do you plan to get married?

How old are the kids?

I suggest you skip the meeting of the kids.

[Anonymous]

You need to let your boyfriend take the lead in this. If he wants to make it happen, he will. inserting yourself into this fraught situation is naive and arrogant. You will only make things worse for those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

I'm really confused. You say it's a fact that you're a gold digger but then try to suggest you are not. Which is it?

How long have they been divorced? How old are the kids? Does she have a partner? Why did they divorce? All of these things might help give you advice.

She said that is was EX thinks of her, not how OP feels.

No, OP literally said "it's a fact" that she's a gold digger.

I say this kindly, but your reading comprehension isn't good, or else you read through your own lens and didn't fully grasp what OP is saying. She is saying that this is what the Ex is saying about her, when in fact she is only three years younger and has her own business. She is NOT a young gold digger. I will grant you that OP's explanation could have been better. But you need to be able to understand the OP in its entirety. She should have said, WHEN IN FACT I'm 3 years young and own my own business. That would have been clearer.

"well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

[Anonymous]

EX is doing it intentionally in hopes of scaring away any future new wife. She doesn't want ExH to remarry. Plus, she sounds crazy and vindictive. A mentally healthy woman doesn't act like this.

That said, if he had an affair with OP and blew up his family for her, then all bets are off. OP gets what's coming to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no I wouldn’t meet her one on one. For me it would be a quick hello, and maybe a 3 minute conversation. I wouldn’t sit down for coffee or a meal with her.

"Hi, I'm Susie, nice to meet you."

There, you've met. Why turn it into more than that? I don't think I would want to be around someone with a stalkerish ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EX is doing it intentionally in hopes of scaring away any future new wife. She doesn't want ExH to remarry. Plus, she sounds crazy and vindictive. A mentally healthy woman doesn't act like this.

That said, if he had an affair with OP and blew up his family for her, then all bets are off. OP gets what's coming to her.

I actually do not believe OP that the ex-wife has done any of these things but it's sure helpful to her story to spin the crazy ex-wife narrative. I side eye anyone who talks smack about their ex. Major red flag. But op, just remember some day the ex will be you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

I'm really confused. You say it's a fact that you're a gold digger but then try to suggest you are not. Which is it?

How long have they been divorced? How old are the kids? Does she have a partner? Why did they divorce? All of these things might help give you advice.

She said that is was EX thinks of her, not how OP feels.

No, OP literally said "it's a fact" that she's a gold digger.

I say this kindly, but your reading comprehension isn't good, or else you read through your own lens and didn't fully grasp what OP is saying. She is saying that this is what the Ex is saying about her, when in fact she is only three years younger and has her own business. She is NOT a young gold digger. I will grant you that OP's explanation could have been better. But you need to be able to understand the OP in its entirety. She should have said, WHEN IN FACT I'm 3 years young and own my own business. That would have been clearer.

"well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

The problem is not my reading comprehension. I have superior reading comprehension. Hence my ability to point out that she literally wrote "alluding to the fact that I'm a gold digger." That is stating she is a gold digger. It might not have been what she meant, but, again, my reading comprehension is not the problem here. I'm also obviously brighter than you if you need this explained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

I'm really confused. You say it's a fact that you're a gold digger but then try to suggest you are not. Which is it?

How long have they been divorced? How old are the kids? Does she have a partner? Why did they divorce? All of these things might help give you advice.

She said that is was EX thinks of her, not how OP feels.

No, OP literally said "it's a fact" that she's a gold digger.

I say this kindly, but your reading comprehension isn't good, or else you read through your own lens and didn't fully grasp what OP is saying. She is saying that this is what the Ex is saying about her, when in fact she is only three years younger and has her own business. She is NOT a young gold digger. I will grant you that OP's explanation could have been better. But you need to be able to understand the OP in its entirety. She should have said, WHEN IN FACT I'm 3 years young and own my own business. That would have been clearer.

"well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

The problem is not my reading comprehension. I have superior reading comprehension. Hence my ability to point out that she literally wrote "alluding to the fact that I'm a gold digger." That is stating she is a gold digger. It might not have been what she meant, but, again, my reading comprehension is not the problem here. I'm also obviously brighter than you if you need this explained.

I read that comment as the ex wife calling the OP a gold digger. Or implying she's one. Nothing more nothing less.
I don't get gold digger from OP .. She has her own company and prob does well for herself. OP also mentioned they do not mix any money.

[Anonymous]

This is a major red flag. So you haven't met her? Why is boyfriend telling you about all this stuff she says about you and driving by the house. He loves the drama. She will always be in your life. Run away from both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

That is not in any way, shape or form an enforceable clause in court, just FYI.

This was my takeaway as well.

How long have they been divorced? This meeting really feels like something your boyfriend should be taking the lead in managing, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a major red flag. So you haven't met her? Why is boyfriend telling you about all this stuff she says about you and driving by the house. He loves the drama. She will always be in your life. Run away from both of them.

+++

[Anonymous]

Coffee, for sure. Make sure you have a list of questions YOU want to ask.

[Anonymous]

I would let him set it up and he should be there. I haven’t gone through this personally, but l think he should be the leader here, not you. How he handles it is important.

[Anonymous]

If you want to meet her, have coffee and an excuse to leave quickly if it's not going well. However, you are not obligated to meet her; she sounds a little crazy. DH and I have been married for 10 years. I've spent plenty of time with his kids (now all adults), but I've been in the same space as her maybe 5 times, and rarely conversed. DH did the graduations solo because we live on the other side of the country now and have young kids.

[Anonymous]

We had a “six months exclusive dating before meeting the kids” clause. My XH never followed it. He’d introduce DC to people he had dated for a week! Worse, he’d have these women contact me to ask me to drop the clause so they could move in.

It was a mess until he died.