Meeting the ex-wife before the kids

[Anonymous]

Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

[Anonymous]

1st thing. Are you the AP?
I know he says you're not, and the marriage was "dead", etc- which is almost always a lie.

Was his divorce final (or at least separated for months before you met him?

[Anonymous]

Why would you sit down with this person and have a meal?

Keep it as short as possible.

[Anonymous]

Well if you think she's crazy, I suggest alcohol will not make this go any better. So do coffee or lunch.

Tbh dating a man with a "crazy" ex is usually not worth it. Even if everything he says about her is true (and really, is it?), you'll be dealing with her and her craziness and how it impacts the kids FOREVER. It will never not be a pain. Ask yourself if you really want this.

[Anonymous]

Ok so... Your ex fails to understand her POV. You haven't met the kids and you have zero parenting experience (right?) but you know they are being partially raised by, and have some of the DNA of, a crazy and self-destructive person. Right? And yet you think this is going to be a positive co-parenting experience for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well if you think she's crazy, I suggest alcohol will not make this go any better. So do coffee or lunch.

Tbh dating a man with a "crazy" ex is usually not worth it. Even if everything he says about her is true (and really, is it?), you'll be dealing with her and her craziness and how it impacts the kids FOREVER. It will never not be a pain. Ask yourself if you really want this.

Yeah, crazy doesn't get better with time. It will be worse if the kids actually like you. No win here.

[Anonymous]

It’s inherently an awkward situation. Get coffee and have low expectations. How long ago did they divorce? I’d also not try to get her to be your friend, treat it like an interview or some networking coffee. She doesn’t need to like you and likely won’t after first meeting. If she’s a sane person, she will eventually appreciate that you treat her kids well and that they like you and that’s all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to meet with her one on one?

This ex wife seems extremely attached to the ex
Do you want to deal w her and those antics as a girlfriend? long term? Are you NOT turned off by that?

An ex who hasn't moved on and behaves as such is a BIG Red Flag.

[Anonymous]

Good luck. If I were in your shoes I would not continue the relationship. It sounds like it will be hard and full of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

That is not in any way, shape or form an enforceable clause in court, just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Hell no I wouldn’t meet her one on one. For me it would be a quick hello, and maybe a 3 minute conversation. I wouldn’t sit down for coffee or a meal with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why do you need to meet with her one on one?

This ex wife seems extremely attached to the ex
Do you want to deal w her and those antics as a girlfriend? long term? Are you NOT turned off by that?

An ex who hasn't moved on and behaves as such is a BIG Red Flag.

Because the parenting agreement gives the ex the option to meet her.

OP, it seems like you are thinking in girlfriend mode. Not wife/stepmother/coparent mode. It doesn't matter that you don't share finances now. She clearly thinks you will in the future. You're thinking about getting through one short meeting, but you need to be thinking about how you will interact with her forever. Because that's what this is, if you move in with this man. Every dropoff and pickup, every school function, every life event, you will be dealing with her. Every expense-- and big kids are expensive
Graduation, prom, college visits, college decision, graduation, wedding, becoming grandparents, she will be there and be crazy about all of these things.

Do you want to co-parent kids with: 1) A man who doesn't deal with his ex in a way you think is good; and 2) A crazy mom; and 3) her awfulness showing up in kid behavior, and kid mental health.

Now, every dumb girlfriend/2nd wife thinks boundaries and structure can fix this. But it's not as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

That is not in any way, shape or form an enforceable clause in court, just FYI.

Was wondering who actually enforces this?

[Anonymous]

Run away OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

I'm really confused. You say it's a fact that you're a gold digger but then try to suggest you are not. Which is it?

How long have they been divorced? How old are the kids? Does she have a partner? Why did they divorce? All of these things might help give you advice.