Meeting the ex-wife before the kids

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why anyone would want to insert themselves into this family dynamic. Who could possibly benefit. Your boyfriend owes it to his children to see his commitment to his family through. That means NOT ADDING ANYONE ELSE at least until the co parenting is genuinely peaceful and the kids have a stable and loving situation. There's nothing about what you've said that suggests that is true.

Does it suck for him? Sure! A lot of parenting sucks. He should be more than willing to suck it up and only date on non-parenting time until they're adults. The fact that he and you don't seem to get that is a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

That is not in any way, shape or form an enforceable clause in court, just FYI.

When "is this enforceable in court" is the standard for how you approach co-parenting, you know you're scraping the very bottom.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't really matter if it's enforceable. "I refuse to meet you" isn't a good way to start your relationship with her and the kids. It's a long, long way from "I refuse to meet you" to "We have a well-functioning co-parenting relationship"!

OP, you need to understand you're proposing to spend a lot of time with her kids. Sometimes to care for them solo (and your boyfriend may say this won't happen, but it will). Most parents don't like the idea of a caregiver who straight-up refuses to ever meet with them. Because that's weird.

[Anonymous]

I am a step parent in a situation that is loving and supportive of kids. I like and respect their mother and she feels the same way
There is NO WAY your situation will be sustainable. I recommend you cut your losses and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

That is not in any way, shape or form an enforceable clause in court, just FYI.

When "is this enforceable in court" is the standard for how you approach co-parenting, you know you're scraping the very bottom.

No, I'm just saying that people put a lot of crap in their MSAs that aren't enforceable. Provisions like this is one of them. There's really no need for her to abide by the clause. It might still be the right thing for her to do, but there's nothing to keep her from sidestepping it and interacting with the kids directly if that's what he wants. It's been a year now. I do think the big question is how old are the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

I'm really confused. You say it's a fact that you're a gold digger but then try to suggest you are not. Which is it?

How long have they been divorced? How old are the kids? Does she have a partner? Why did they divorce? All of these things might help give you advice.

She said that is was EX thinks of her, not how OP feels.

[Anonymous]

If I was childless, I would never even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids. There are millions of better options out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was childless, I would never even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids. There are millions of better options out there.

This.

[Anonymous]

Sounds fake but no, you owe her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM. I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we are starting to talk about me meeting his kids. His divorce parenting plan says the other parent has the option to meet a significant other before the kids do. I'm happy to do that, but I feel like his ex-wife has already laid an awkward foundation by doing things like driving by his house and asking repeatedly via text why my car is there (on his non-kid days) or making little jabs at him at extended family parties in front of everyone such as "well aren't you just such a great catch for OP" or alluding to the fact that I'm a young gold digger (I'm 3 years younger than him and own a business doing really well/we do not share finances at all).

Anyway, what would you suggest in this situation- coffee, lunch, a drink? I'm thinking it'd be best to meet her by myself without boyfriend, do you agree? What do we talk about? I know a lot about the kids even though I haven't met them, but boyfriend and I talk about parenting all the time, but is it inappropriate to make small talk about her kids? Obviously not going to discuss my relationship. I guess I can chit chat about work or hobbies. Is the right mindset that I'm not searching for her approval, but more so extending the courtesy of supporting their parenting plan?

I'm a really empathetic person and often find myself talking my boyfriend down and explaining what ex-wife's experience or POV must be like and I wish she could give me the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like my existence really bothers her already even though she is the one who left the marriage in a really crazy, publicly self-destructive way.

Anyone been through similar?

I'm really confused. You say it's a fact that you're a gold digger but then try to suggest you are not. Which is it?

How long have they been divorced? How old are the kids? Does she have a partner? Why did they divorce? All of these things might help give you advice.

She said that is was EX thinks of her, not how OP feels.

No, OP literally said "it's a fact" that she's a gold digger.

[Anonymous]

I am the adult child in this situation. It sucks. My mom is a nut, yes. My dad opted out of dealing with her, and I often wonder whether to estrange myself too.

My mom continues to interact with my dad and his new wife, which they do not want. My dad's wife complains often about this. But I have no sympathy for her, because it's been like this the whole time. If she wanted a not-crazy family, why did she choose to join ours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a step parent in a situation that is loving and supportive of kids. I like and respect their mother and she feels the same way
There is NO WAY your situation will be sustainable. I recommend you cut your losses and run.

What are the factors here that make you think this situation is not sustainable?

[Anonymous]

Its a given that this pattern would continue so walk away if you are hoping for some miracle.

Your real issue is finding more about this guy, spending another year before planning a wedding. You don't really know who he is and what you are signing up for.

I feel bad for the children who are stuck between two adversarial parents and soon two step parents would join to make this bitter drama even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1st thing. Are you the AP?
I know he says you're not, and the marriage was "dead", etc- which is almost always a lie.

Was his divorce final (or at least separated for months before you met him?

These are important questions for any woman to ask herself (not her boyfriend) when dating a married man, a “separated” man, a “divorced” man, or a truly divorced man.

[Anonymous]

And OP, don't think you'll get much sympathy voluntarily placing yourself in this situation. His friends are already so sick of her drama and listening to him complain about it. Your friends will also soon be sick of hearing about it.

I really cannot fathom why anyone would do this. It's not like you love his kids. You don't even know them. Leave this man alone to stabilize his life.