What is the parenting secret of Orthodox Jewish families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, they’ve probably never seen a screen/ipad in their life. Unless their mom is “influencer”

They haven’t seen too many books in their lives either. They are not brought up like other American children. Education consists solely of religion information and the women are expected to marry at a very early age and produce many children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being serious about religion requires a lot of self- discipline. So it could be that religious parents have self-discipline and their children are more likely to be self-disciplined as well.
The other aspect is that these families have a strong culture and exist a little bit outside of mainstream American culture. So while I am sure they are influenced by parenting trends in pop culture, they likely also receive a lot of community support for parenting more or less like their parents did.

If all the women have 8 kids - what kind of support would be available? Oh, I'll watch 16 kids while you get your hair done?

Getting their hair done? Tell me you know nothing about Orthodox Judaism without telling me you know nothing about Orthodox Judaism.

The women are required to wear wigs and cover themselves completely when outside.

In New York, the Hasidic Jews use their own schools to educate their children at the same time getting hundreds of millions of dollars in public funding.

When the community finally agreed to test their children for New York , the school, the Central United Talmudical Academy, gave 1,000 of their students state standardized tests in reading and math. Every one of them failed.

There are extremists in every religion, usually a very small percentage, and they are never a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's up with all these posts about Other Children and how calm they are? What kind of hooligans are you around? Most kids I see are pretty calm.

OP sounds like a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

It is not the responsibility of older children to take care of their siblings. it is a form of child abuse.

Huh? Older children should have all sorts of routine responsibilities that contribute to the family unit. How else will they be prepared to have their own families some day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

Palm to forehead. This is what happens when the broader culture knows nothing of raising children.
Children- males and females, but most especially females- LIKE doting on younger children. It’s *natural* even if they are NEVER asked to. How do I know? I have five kids and was so afraid of the allegation of “parentification” that I hired au pairs. But the older kids WANT to help just like you WANTED to have children. It’s human and good to have a desiring toward care for the more vulnerable.

Many kids also don't like this. I guess your sample size of five kids are all the same, but that's not everyone. Different people like different things, naturally.

How do I know? I was raised in a big family, among my extended family, which included many other big families. We didn't all want to be Mama's helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they’ve probably never seen a screen/ipad in their life. Unless their mom is “influencer”

They haven’t seen too many books in their lives either. They are not brought up like other American children. Education consists solely of religion information and the women are expected to marry at a very early age and produce many children.

OP here. I don’t think that is all orthodox families. the family I saw was IN a book store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

Same. My parents were very anti gender roles and would have loved to dress me in unisex/boy clothing. I showed them! I only wore pink and dresses (still do). I was beyond thrilled to take care of my younger siblings (8 years younger). I was a nanny throughout high school and college. Sometimes it’s not how you’re raised, sometimes people just gravitate towards certain things. I see this with my own kids. I have one girl who is a tomboy and the other wants to be a princess. It’s nothing I did. Not all kids resent taking care of others, but I know some do of course. My son has lots and lots of chores and does the same ones as my girls. I’m not raising a boy who watches women work while he sits.

To answer op, I think the people who have large families know how to take care of them and also like kids. The same can’t be said for most moms. Also, none of those families practice gentle/permissive parenting. Even if they don’t spank, bad behavior is NOT accepted.

My permissive parenting friends let their kids do anything. The other day at a playdate my friends two kids started jumping on her couch and she let them. I told my kids no, don’t get up there too. The friend was shocked and said they weren’t hurting anything. Ffs. Kids need to learn how to respect everything.

Your friend let her own children jump on her own couch??? The horror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

Same. My parents were very anti gender roles and would have loved to dress me in unisex/boy clothing. I showed them! I only wore pink and dresses (still do). I was beyond thrilled to take care of my younger siblings (8 years younger). I was a nanny throughout high school and college. Sometimes it’s not how you’re raised, sometimes people just gravitate towards certain things. I see this with my own kids. I have one girl who is a tomboy and the other wants to be a princess. It’s nothing I did. Not all kids resent taking care of others, but I know some do of course. My son has lots and lots of chores and does the same ones as my girls. I’m not raising a boy who watches women work while he sits.

To answer op, I think the people who have large families know how to take care of them and also like kids. The same can’t be said for most moms. Also, none of those families practice gentle/permissive parenting. Even if they don’t spank, bad behavior is NOT accepted.

My permissive parenting friends let their kids do anything. The other day at a playdate my friends two kids started jumping on her couch and she let them. I told my kids no, don’t get up there too. The friend was shocked and said they weren’t hurting anything. Ffs. Kids need to learn how to respect everything.

As a non abusive Catholic mom of a big family, I agree with this. No gentle or permissive parenting of a large family. Privileges like screens and sweets and fun are EARNED not the baseline. Kids are brought up to respect the parents who are their natural authority (underneath God) and to contribute to the good of the family (God’s design and plan). My oldest who is 13 is a boy and he does not gravitate towards childcare or younger kids, but he is able to perform his role in the family to look after his younger siblings and guide them as God designed for him (due to his birth order).

Does that make sense? It’s a different way of looking at the world than secular culture which does contribute to child behavior imo. Plus, 90 mins a week of mass with no entertainment and only boredom and hymns and liturgy does help forge self control and self restraint.

I come from a big family and there was lots of permissive parenting in my family. I actually think it's incredibly common with big families if the parents feel overwhelmed -- they just give up. I also just got back from spring break travel and I can assure this tradition is alive and well in 2025 -- I saw a ton of families with 4 or 5 kids just letting their kids totally run amok in public spaces because they were so clearly overwhelmed. When you've got twin 8 yr olds, a 6 yr old, a 4yr old, a 1 yr old, AND you are pregnant, you are going to hit a point where you just DNGAF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

Palm to forehead. This is what happens when the broader culture knows nothing of raising children.
Children- males and females, but most especially females- LIKE doting on younger children. It’s *natural* even if they are NEVER asked to. How do I know? I have five kids and was so afraid of the allegation of “parentification” that I hired au pairs. But the older kids WANT to help just like you WANTED to have children. It’s human and good to have a desiring toward care for the more vulnerable.

Really? I'm the eldest female and while my family is capital A awesome and I wasn't parentified I was also horrified to get a sibling and then more. Maybe that's unnatural, IDK but they were generally pains in my ass til I could get away. We are close as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

Palm to forehead. This is what happens when the broader culture knows nothing of raising children.
Children- males and females, but most especially females- LIKE doting on younger children. It’s *natural* even if they are NEVER asked to. How do I know? I have five kids and was so afraid of the allegation of “parentification” that I hired au pairs. But the older kids WANT to help just like you WANTED to have children. It’s human and good to have a desiring toward care for the more vulnerable.

Really? I'm the eldest female and while my family is capital A awesome and I wasn't parentified I was also horrified to get a sibling and then more. Maybe that's unnatural, IDK but they were generally pains in my ass til I could get away. We are close as adults.

Oh, and "how do I know? I have 5 kids" is not a refute to that. You NEED that narrative. It's inherently biased in a eay that doesn't account for your children's experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear.

Yes, and constant threat of expulsion from the community if beliefs or actions stray too far from the expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they’ve probably never seen a screen/ipad in their life. Unless their mom is “influencer”

Are you kidding? I live near a large orthodox community and the kids are on iPads constantly in their strollers. They aren’t Amish.

I think Haredim are actually pretty against tech and the internet.

Our Chabad Rabbi’s kids are all about the technology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they’ve probably never seen a screen/ipad in their life. Unless their mom is “influencer”

They haven’t seen too many books in their lives either. They are not brought up like other American children. Education consists solely of religion information and the women are expected to marry at a very early age and produce many children.

OP here. I don’t think that is all orthodox families. the family I saw was IN a book store.

This is just nonsense. No one is expected to do anything. If you are blessed with children (one or many) it is how G-d intended it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

Same. My parents were very anti gender roles and would have loved to dress me in unisex/boy clothing. I showed them! I only wore pink and dresses (still do). I was beyond thrilled to take care of my younger siblings (8 years younger). I was a nanny throughout high school and college. Sometimes it’s not how you’re raised, sometimes people just gravitate towards certain things. I see this with my own kids. I have one girl who is a tomboy and the other wants to be a princess. It’s nothing I did. Not all kids resent taking care of others, but I know some do of course. My son has lots and lots of chores and does the same ones as my girls. I’m not raising a boy who watches women work while he sits.

To answer op, I think the people who have large families know how to take care of them and also like kids. The same can’t be said for most moms. Also, none of those families practice gentle/permissive parenting. Even if they don’t spank, bad behavior is NOT accepted.

My permissive parenting friends let their kids do anything. The other day at a playdate my friends two kids started jumping on her couch and she let them. I told my kids no, don’t get up there too. The friend was shocked and said they weren’t hurting anything. Ffs. Kids need to learn how to respect everything.

As a non abusive Catholic mom of a big family, I agree with this. No gentle or permissive parenting of a large family. Privileges like screens and sweets and fun are EARNED not the baseline. Kids are brought up to respect the parents who are their natural authority (underneath God) and to contribute to the good of the family (God’s design and plan). My oldest who is 13 is a boy and he does not gravitate towards childcare or younger kids, but he is able to perform his role in the family to look after his younger siblings and guide them as God designed for him (due to his birth order).

Does that make sense? It’s a different way of looking at the world than secular culture which does contribute to child behavior imo. Plus, 90 mins a week of mass with no entertainment and only boredom and hymns and liturgy does help forge self control and self restraint.

I come from a big family and there was lots of permissive parenting in my family. I actually think it's incredibly common with big families if the parents feel overwhelmed -- they just give up. I also just got back from spring break travel and I can assure this tradition is alive and well in 2025 -- I saw a ton of families with 4 or 5 kids just letting their kids totally run amok in public spaces because they were so clearly overwhelmed. When you've got twin 8 yr olds, a 6 yr old, a 4yr old, a 1 yr old, AND you are pregnant, you are going to hit a point where you just DNGAF.

Both of my parents families in the 40s were wealthy, 5 kids, and the Dad's ruled with an iron fist. I do believe that permissive parenting is a new trend.

[Anonymous]

There is a huge amount of emotional, physical, and sexual child abuse in Orthodox jewish religious families and they are not known for being able to teach children beyond caring for children and the home and learning religious teachings. So why do we care about them if we arent orthodox? If you want to learn discipline in public from them go ahead but it's like traveling to a different country. There is a lot that you probably wouldn't enjoy living on a day to day basis.