What is the parenting secret of Orthodox Jewish families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's up with all these posts about Other Children and how calm they are? What kind of hooligans are you around? Most kids I see are pretty calm.

+1. Sounds like a troll who is obsessed with making the same type of post over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's up with all these posts about Other Children and how calm they are? What kind of hooligans are you around? Most kids I see are pretty calm.

+1. Sounds like a troll who is obsessed with making the same type of post over and over again.

Or … bear with me, it could be an interesting topic that fosters observation and discussion? crazy thought I know. Not everyone you disagree with online is a troll.

[Anonymous]

I think being serious about religion requires a lot of self- discipline. So it could be that religious parents have self-discipline and their children are more likely to be self-disciplined as well.
The other aspect is that these families have a strong culture and exist a little bit outside of mainstream American culture. So while I am sure they are influenced by parenting trends in pop culture, they likely also receive a lot of community support for parenting more or less like their parents did.

[Anonymous]

Physical and emotional abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spare the rod, spoil the child.

I’m not familiar with the orthodox being big spankers.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32108541/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being serious about religion requires a lot of self- discipline. So it could be that religious parents have self-discipline and their children are more likely to be self-disciplined as well.
The other aspect is that these families have a strong culture and exist a little bit outside of mainstream American culture. So while I am sure they are influenced by parenting trends in pop culture, they likely also receive a lot of community support for parenting more or less like their parents did.

If all the women have 8 kids - what kind of support would be available? Oh, I'll watch 16 kids while you get your hair done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also bear in mind you’re seeing these kids on their best behavior. People always tell me my large family is so well behaved and that is, uh, not my impression…

Aw give yourself more credit! But I am curious - do you take them all out yourself on outings? do you go to religious services?

I also come from a large religious family and I think we appeared pretty organized in public although the only place we went together indoors was church. I wonder if the needed discipline in public to manage a lot of kids at a religious service is part of the way the kids and parents “learn” the skills needed to appear so calm and orderly.

Yes and yes. We don’t do a lot of all day outings because the baby is still napping frequently and doesn’t sleep well on the go, but I take them to church, library, grocery store, playgrounds, all the normal mom stuff. Hoping to venture farther afield when the wake windows lengthen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being serious about religion requires a lot of self- discipline. So it could be that religious parents have self-discipline and their children are more likely to be self-disciplined as well.
The other aspect is that these families have a strong culture and exist a little bit outside of mainstream American culture. So while I am sure they are influenced by parenting trends in pop culture, they likely also receive a lot of community support for parenting more or less like their parents did.

If all the women have 8 kids - what kind of support would be available? Oh, I'll watch 16 kids while you get your hair done?

The orthodox Jewish moms probably aren’t getting their hair done, but for the dentist or something, by the time you have eight kids the oldest ones are able to watch the younger ones for a bit or at least be left alone. “Hey Chaya can you keep my baby and toddler while I get a filling” is not a heavy lift.

[Anonymous]

So you saw one family during one moment of their day and made a sweeping generalization?

Depending on when you get a look at me, I’m either a perfect mom with independent and polite kids, or I’m drained AF and the kids are feral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Physical and emotional abuse

This. It's how my family ensured good behavior, especially the emotional abuse part.

[Anonymous]

Corporal punishment is highly effective with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

Same. My parents were very anti gender roles and would have loved to dress me in unisex/boy clothing. I showed them! I only wore pink and dresses (still do). I was beyond thrilled to take care of my younger siblings (8 years younger). I was a nanny throughout high school and college. Sometimes it’s not how you’re raised, sometimes people just gravitate towards certain things. I see this with my own kids. I have one girl who is a tomboy and the other wants to be a princess. It’s nothing I did. Not all kids resent taking care of others, but I know some do of course. My son has lots and lots of chores and does the same ones as my girls. I’m not raising a boy who watches women work while he sits.

To answer op, I think the people who have large families know how to take care of them and also like kids. The same can’t be said for most moms. Also, none of those families practice gentle/permissive parenting. Even if they don’t spank, bad behavior is NOT accepted.

My permissive parenting friends let their kids do anything. The other day at a playdate my friends two kids started jumping on her couch and she let them. I told my kids no, don’t get up there too. The friend was shocked and said they weren’t hurting anything. Ffs. Kids need to learn how to respect everything.

[Anonymous]

I grew up modern orthodox (not extremely orthodox like the six kid family you’re talking about).

First of all, it varies by family. A lot of these larger families are not as together as they seem and I’ve seen a LOT who should not have anywhere near six kids.

I’m one of four. I have ambitious, loving parents. We grew up well off thanks to my fathers lucrative career and to be honest I think the main variables in my childhood were a loving home/parents, money, a good education, and Jewish values, which are very community, family and socially oriented. Jewish people in general place a big emphasis on succeeding academically and professionally (the ultra orthodox actually do not generally, though).

IMO there are a lot of negative things about being very observant in any religion, including Judaism. But the nice thing about Orthodox Judaism is the sabbath and all the holidays where you cannot drive or use electronics. It is a completely screen free zone where families and friends are spending time together, kids are playing, people are reading, walking, enjoying the outdoors.

[Anonymous]

I know a Mormon family like this and it helps that they had 5 kids but not all super close together in age. The oldest two (a boy and a girl, they have 3 boys and 2 girls) are helpful and polite and good students. It requires getting started on your family sooner than most people do, probably 2 kids in your 20s. You also can’t enroll kids in 9 million outside of school activities and travel sports because you just won’t have time/the ability to be in 5 places at once. So they learn to keep each other company at home or hang out at big bro’s rec basketball game.