What is the parenting secret of Orthodox Jewish families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes see large Orthodox Jewish families out and about and the kids are so calm and presentable! Yesterday I saw a dad on his own with 6 kids that all appeared to be under 12, including two babies in a double stroller. The kids were all calm and happy, played with the babies, and stuck close to dad. Dad appeared a little weary (seems normal) but nothing like the extreme exhaustion I know I would project if I went out with six kids. I did not hear a single whine or argument from the kids or a single harsh word from the dad. Amazing! How do they do it?

No secret
This is not the norm at all. Iron fists rule many families.
Kids especially boys run away all the time around age 14/15
They are then sent to reeducation places. Yep Miami has quite a few. My cousins sent their sons.
Domestic violence is high you get shunned if you try and leave the cult

This was my mother’s world growing up. I still have cousins in it.

No better that ultra religious Christians
Just like the Duggars.
Pious pretending to be good people while not educating their children, lots gets welfare.

MAGA which is horrifying in the name of Israel dumbest thing ever. As a grandchild of a survivor I will never forgive this side of my family for supporting that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they’ve probably never seen a screen/ipad in their life. Unless their mom is “influencer”

Could be! I also wonder if there are just better developed parenting skills in the community since most families are large, and children are considered a blessing so they are treated with more care? I obviously am also familiar with the criticisms of orthodox communities, but you never really hear of child abuse or neglect being a big part of that.

What are you taking about ?

Ultra religious abuse runs rampant!

From Chabad to Hasidic to Lubbies abuse is common.

Domestic violence is huge.

Women have real trouble getting a divorce from a terrible husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spare the rod, spoil the child.

I’m not familiar with the orthodox being big spankers.

Oh yes they are and they hit their wives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being serious about religion requires a lot of self- discipline. So it could be that religious parents have self-discipline and their children are more likely to be self-disciplined as well.
The other aspect is that these families have a strong culture and exist a little bit outside of mainstream American culture. So while I am sure they are influenced by parenting trends in pop culture, they likely also receive a lot of community support for parenting more or less like their parents did.

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being serious about religion requires a lot of self- discipline. So it could be that religious parents have self-discipline and their children are more likely to be self-disciplined as well.
The other aspect is that these families have a strong culture and exist a little bit outside of mainstream American culture. So while I am sure they are influenced by parenting trends in pop culture, they likely also receive a lot of community support for parenting more or less like their parents did.

If all the women have 8 kids - what kind of support would be available? Oh, I'll watch 16 kids while you get your hair done?

The orthodox Jewish moms probably aren’t getting their hair done, but for the dentist or something, by the time you have eight kids the oldest ones are able to watch the younger ones for a bit or at least be left alone. “Hey Chaya can you keep my baby and toddler while I get a filling” is not a heavy lift.

Yes they are getting their hair done even though they wear wigs .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also bear in mind you’re seeing these kids on their best behavior. People always tell me my large family is so well behaved and that is, uh, not my impression…

Aw give yourself more credit! But I am curious - do you take them all out yourself on outings? do you go to religious services?

I also come from a large religious family and I think we appeared pretty organized in public although the only place we went together indoors was church. I wonder if the needed discipline in public to manage a lot of kids at a religious service is part of the way the kids and parents “learn” the skills needed to appear so calm and orderly.

I think this is part of it too. We switched from a non-denominational Christian church to a Catholic Church when my oldest was in first grade. It wasn’t immediate, but there was definitely a change in the kids’ behavior over the next year or so. When your family has to figure out how to be calm and obedient for an hour a week, it kind of spills over into the rest of your lives.

Omg don’t be absurd

Irish Catholic families are not calm with 12 kids

I grew up on a block with those families. Emotional and physical abuse was the norm still is,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they’ve probably never seen a screen/ipad in their life. Unless their mom is “influencer”

They haven’t seen too many books in their lives either. They are not brought up like other American children. Education consists solely of religion information and the women are expected to marry at a very early age and produce many children.

+1

[Anonymous]

The above poster is correct. When my kids were little, it was supposed to be gentle parenting. Strict rules were out, discussing good and bad choices was in. Now, of course, we know that that leads to lazy parenting and poorly behaved children. Orthodox Jewish families rule by the iron fist and get highly disciplined children. Of course, not all families are like that but those families probably don't bring their children out in public.

[Anonymous]

Families with disabilities get driven out of the community so they stop dressing Orthodox.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families with disabilities get driven out of the community so they stop dressing Orthodox.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spare the rod, spoil the child.

I’m not familiar with the orthodox being big spankers.

Oh yes they are and they hit their wives

Dp this isn’t accurate and you clearly don’t know this world all that well. Obviously there is a fair amount of misogyny (men can understand the Talmud, women can’t) but they are not a particularly violent group at all, and there is not a lot of drinking. Plus there is incredible support and community that helps couples deal with stresses. There are lots to criticize about these communities, but excessive DV is just not one of them. Also, divorce, while not ideal, is accepted. Many try to wait until the kids are married off bc getting a good match for their children is a primary goal. Thankfully this typically happens by 18 or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear.

Correct. They would call it "respect".

These families are "old-fashioned" in their parenting. A spanking here and there, and strongly expressed expectations about behavior. Many of us middle-aged folks were raised like this, OP. It's not just Orthodox families, but conservatives from all over the world. Most people in most countries are socially conservative and have authoritarian notions of parenting.

[Anonymous]

From my own observations, the dads seem really involved. They're not playing on their phones and making mom do all the work like most fathers.

Obviously there are other factors, and older kids raising younger kids plays a big role, but from what I've seen dads set a good example and do their share of raising the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families with disabilities get driven out of the community so they stop dressing Orthodox.

You mean “emotional” disabilities where the world must revolve around you to accommodate you? Because there are plenty of people with physical and/or intellectual disabilities within the community and dressed appropriately. I see them with their caregivers all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

Older children should not be responsible for younger siblings.