How to stop being so frugal/cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

I am OK with spending money but I also pay a lot of attention to how much things cost nowadays. The pizza, jeans and jacket prices you noted are pretty good. The deodorant and water bottle prices are outrageous. Learn how to comparison shop rather than shop anxiously. It will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you have the money doesn't mean you need more crap. We have plenty of money, high income, and are minimal-ish. (I don't say minimalist because true minimalists would laugh.)

I hate wasting money but have no problem paying a reasonable price (after shopping around and also waiting to confirm it's not an impulse purchase.) $25 for a water bottle because you or kid literally do not have a water bottle? No problem! $25 for a water bottle because the color is cute or a new brand is trendy now, NO.

I don't pay brand premiums for lululemon, fancy sephora makeup, I don't buy $150 sneakers, etc.

If you truly NEED something and can afford it, you won't feel guilty. You feel guilty because you don't actually need it and therefore it is a waste of money.

Except that a cute whatever can make you happy - not happy in the existential sense, like there's no more problems in the world. But I absolutely have cute things that make me smile every time I use them. I think that's worth something. If you don't that's fine - but I don't consider these things to be necessarily wasteful.

There are ways to cut back. Put stickers on a water bottle to make it cuter or whatever. But if you have the money and the space - and the desire - I don't see what is wrong with liking nice things.

It's obviously fine from a financial perspective if you can afford it and have the storage space. But, I and I ask this sincerely and without malice, have you ever stopped to question WHY "cute things" make you temporarily happy? We are guilty of falling for marketing. You are told overtly and subliminally that these "cute things" will make you look cute, feel good, etc. It has been ingrained in you. It's not that some random shirt actually makes you "happy" - it's just dopamine.

You say "just dopamine" like that doesn't count for anything? Yes, I do think about why these things make me happy. It makes me happy to wear a dress I enjoy; it makes me happy to have a house that I enjoy looking at - art that catches my eye even years after I've bought it. I don't have spendy taste - whcih is lucky because I don't have a spendy budget - but even when I was super broke I liked to buy pieces of art ($25 sometimes; $400 sometimes) because it really does make me feel good to look around my house and see these things. We got nice plates for our wedding 15 years ago and every day we use them, and I still love them. I don't think it's nuts to feel like part of building a life for yourself, is surrounding yourself with things that give you pleasure.

I'm sure every one of your bank accounts is better than mine. But it seems so impossibly grim to say that you will pay $20 for jeans once every two years and that's the limit to how you'll enjoy the clothes you put on yourself.

It's fine if you don't get anything out of pretty things. And certainly we have problems with overconsumption - financial problems, environmental problems. But there is nothing virtuous about being immune to beauty and pleasure.

I have a lovely wardrobe and home. You can have these things without a constant need for shopping and “updating.” No one is asking you to live in a shoebox. But my day to day life does not involve consumerism beyond groceries. There are lots ways to find “happiness” and dopamine without spending money. Sex, good conversations, time spent in nature, with your family, children, pets, helping others, etc.

That means at some point you did enough shopping to have your "lovely wardrobe and home" - so if you've reached a point where you can say, I have everything I need and I only want what I need, then sure. But lots of people wear our clothes out, or change sizes, or would like to feel fresh for an event, or whatever. You aren't more virtuous because now you like to f**k and go out in nature instead of finding the perfect dress.

That's what I hate about these "I'm soooo frugal" things. Yeah sure today you're frugal because you spent enough last year to get you through.

If you bought enough deodorant last year not to need it now, then great! I like to stock up, too. But if you need a new stick of fricking deodorant, just buy the deodorant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many people misinterpreted my post and it's my fault for writing frugal, but what I meant is cheap. I like nice things like everyone else so I don't try to buy second hand clothes or off brand food but some things, are just too hard to buy in general and nowadays especially with rising costs.

So don’t buy things. This isn’t a problem. Not buying things doesn’t mean you’re cheap.

Yes, but the thing Is I want to buy those items.

[Anonymous]

I haven't seen a decent pizza for $15 in years. Probably decades.

On the other hand, $13 for deodorant is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you have the money doesn't mean you need more crap. We have plenty of money, high income, and are minimal-ish. (I don't say minimalist because true minimalists would laugh.)

I hate wasting money but have no problem paying a reasonable price (after shopping around and also waiting to confirm it's not an impulse purchase.) $25 for a water bottle because you or kid literally do not have a water bottle? No problem! $25 for a water bottle because the color is cute or a new brand is trendy now, NO.

I don't pay brand premiums for lululemon, fancy sephora makeup, I don't buy $150 sneakers, etc.

If you truly NEED something and can afford it, you won't feel guilty. You feel guilty because you don't actually need it and therefore it is a waste of money.

Except that a cute whatever can make you happy - not happy in the existential sense, like there's no more problems in the world. But I absolutely have cute things that make me smile every time I use them. I think that's worth something. If you don't that's fine - but I don't consider these things to be necessarily wasteful.

There are ways to cut back. Put stickers on a water bottle to make it cuter or whatever. But if you have the money and the space - and the desire - I don't see what is wrong with liking nice things.

It's obviously fine from a financial perspective if you can afford it and have the storage space. But, I and I ask this sincerely and without malice, have you ever stopped to question WHY "cute things" make you temporarily happy? We are guilty of falling for marketing. You are told overtly and subliminally that these "cute things" will make you look cute, feel good, etc. It has been ingrained in you. It's not that some random shirt actually makes you "happy" - it's just dopamine.

You say "just dopamine" like that doesn't count for anything? Yes, I do think about why these things make me happy. It makes me happy to wear a dress I enjoy; it makes me happy to have a house that I enjoy looking at - art that catches my eye even years after I've bought it. I don't have spendy taste - whcih is lucky because I don't have a spendy budget - but even when I was super broke I liked to buy pieces of art ($25 sometimes; $400 sometimes) because it really does make me feel good to look around my house and see these things. We got nice plates for our wedding 15 years ago and every day we use them, and I still love them. I don't think it's nuts to feel like part of building a life for yourself, is surrounding yourself with things that give you pleasure.

I'm sure every one of your bank accounts is better than mine. But it seems so impossibly grim to say that you will pay $20 for jeans once every two years and that's the limit to how you'll enjoy the clothes you put on yourself.

It's fine if you don't get anything out of pretty things. And certainly we have problems with overconsumption - financial problems, environmental problems. But there is nothing virtuous about being immune to beauty and pleasure.

I have a lovely wardrobe and home. You can have these things without a constant need for shopping and “updating.” No one is asking you to live in a shoebox. But my day to day life does not involve consumerism beyond groceries. There are lots ways to find “happiness” and dopamine without spending money. Sex, good conversations, time spent in nature, with your family, children, pets, helping others, etc.

That means at some point you did enough shopping to have your "lovely wardrobe and home" - so if you've reached a point where you can say, I have everything I need and I only want what I need, then sure. But lots of people wear our clothes out, or change sizes, or would like to feel fresh for an event, or whatever. You aren't more virtuous because now you like to f**k and go out in nature instead of finding the perfect dress.

That's what I hate about these "I'm soooo frugal" things. Yeah sure today you're frugal because you spent enough last year to get you through.

If you bought enough deodorant last year not to need it now, then great! I like to stock up, too. But if you need a new stick of fricking deodorant, just buy the deodorant!

I'm not sure what the bold means and no one is telling you not to buy deodorant if you are out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

To me that cost for a pizza might be a tad bit too much, I kind of think I don't need nicer stuff. With the $50 jeans, I would love to buy them but just paying that much for one thing isn't worth it for me, so I would rather buy a new pair every year. It's not really about saving money, it's just the cost of specific items and it depends on the item. For example, I could buy $50-$60 shoes but ones over $100 (which most good shoes are) would be too much.

That is a kind of poverty mindset, though, OP. Even though the financial reality is not there, the mindset remains "buy the cheap thing now and every year from now on instead of a slightly more expensive thing every 2-3 years instead." As a former poor person (credentials: raised on welfare, school lunches, utility vouchers, secondhand everything not very often), I think it's important to note that that mindset, when divorced from the financial reality of poverty, is DISORDERED. It's a thing to be challenged, not indulged. If you're evaluating your values and deciding to move away from consumption in general, fine, but if you're just consuming more because you think you're being "frugal" by spending $30 on crappy jeans that end up in a landfill every year, something else is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

To me that cost for a pizza might be a tad bit too much, I kind of think I don't need nicer stuff. With the $50 jeans, I would love to buy them but just paying that much for one thing isn't worth it for me, so I would rather buy a new pair every year. It's not really about saving money, it's just the cost of specific items and it depends on the item. For example, I could buy $50-$60 shoes but ones over $100 (which most good shoes are) would be too much.

That is a kind of poverty mindset, though, OP. Even though the financial reality is not there, the mindset remains "buy the cheap thing now and every year from now on instead of a slightly more expensive thing every 2-3 years instead." As a former poor person (credentials: raised on welfare, school lunches, utility vouchers, secondhand everything not very often), I think it's important to note that that mindset, when divorced from the financial reality of poverty, is DISORDERED. It's a thing to be challenged, not indulged. If you're evaluating your values and deciding to move away from consumption in general, fine, but if you're just consuming more because you think you're being "frugal" by spending $30 on crappy jeans that end up in a landfill every year, something else is going on.

DP here. For some things this is true but not for all things. The $30 Costco puffer coat has been just as warm and lasted me just as long as an LL bean one or a Patagonia one. Lululemon doesn't last twice as long because it costs twice as much as other brands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

To me that cost for a pizza might be a tad bit too much, I kind of think I don't need nicer stuff. With the $50 jeans, I would love to buy them but just paying that much for one thing isn't worth it for me, so I would rather buy a new pair every year. It's not really about saving money, it's just the cost of specific items and it depends on the item. For example, I could buy $50-$60 shoes but ones over $100 (which most good shoes are) would be too much.

That is a kind of poverty mindset, though, OP. Even though the financial reality is not there, the mindset remains "buy the cheap thing now and every year from now on instead of a slightly more expensive thing every 2-3 years instead." As a former poor person (credentials: raised on welfare, school lunches, utility vouchers, secondhand everything not very often), I think it's important to note that that mindset, when divorced from the financial reality of poverty, is DISORDERED. It's a thing to be challenged, not indulged. If you're evaluating your values and deciding to move away from consumption in general, fine, but if you're just consuming more because you think you're being "frugal" by spending $30 on crappy jeans that end up in a landfill every year, something else is going on.

This is good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

To me that cost for a pizza might be a tad bit too much, I kind of think I don't need nicer stuff. With the $50 jeans, I would love to buy them but just paying that much for one thing isn't worth it for me, so I would rather buy a new pair every year. It's not really about saving money, it's just the cost of specific items and it depends on the item. For example, I could buy $50-$60 shoes but ones over $100 (which most good shoes are) would be too much.

That is a kind of poverty mindset, though, OP. Even though the financial reality is not there, the mindset remains "buy the cheap thing now and every year from now on instead of a slightly more expensive thing every 2-3 years instead." As a former poor person (credentials: raised on welfare, school lunches, utility vouchers, secondhand everything not very often), I think it's important to note that that mindset, when divorced from the financial reality of poverty, is DISORDERED. It's a thing to be challenged, not indulged. If you're evaluating your values and deciding to move away from consumption in general, fine, but if you're just consuming more because you think you're being "frugal" by spending $30 on crappy jeans that end up in a landfill every year, something else is going on.

DP here. For some things this is true but not for all things. The $30 Costco puffer coat has been just as warm and lasted me just as long as an LL bean one or a Patagonia one. Lululemon doesn't last twice as long because it costs twice as much as other brands.

Just curious, what income is considered poor here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a really hard time spending money even if it's something I need, I can't buy it. For example $15 pizza, $13 deodorant, $25 water bottle, $50 dollar jeans, $60 jacket. Normal things that people buy everyday for those prices and it just seems too hard to buy it and when I do I feel a lot of guilt. Growing up my parents were super cheap though. I can afford it all but I physically can't.

It sounds like your decisions are motivated by some kind of aversion to spending money, instilled in you by your parents, such that you feel guilty for spending money.

Is it that you don't think pizza should cost $15? (That actually seems like REALLY cheap pizza to me...)
Is it that you don't think you deserve a nice pizza (here conceptualized as $15)?
Is it that you had a $15 pizza yesterday and think that should only happen once a week? A month? A year?

What ARE your rules here? Evaluate how well your rules match your values.

For example, the $50 pair of jeans might last longer than the $20 jeans. If you are intentionally buying cheaper stuff because saving money is important, but you need to buy a new pair of jeans every year, are you really saving money?

What values are you trying to express with your money?

To me that cost for a pizza might be a tad bit too much, I kind of think I don't need nicer stuff. With the $50 jeans, I would love to buy them but just paying that much for one thing isn't worth it for me, so I would rather buy a new pair every year. It's not really about saving money, it's just the cost of specific items and it depends on the item. For example, I could buy $50-$60 shoes but ones over $100 (which most good shoes are) would be too much.

That is a kind of poverty mindset, though, OP. Even though the financial reality is not there, the mindset remains "buy the cheap thing now and every year from now on instead of a slightly more expensive thing every 2-3 years instead." As a former poor person (credentials: raised on welfare, school lunches, utility vouchers, secondhand everything not very often), I think it's important to note that that mindset, when divorced from the financial reality of poverty, is DISORDERED. It's a thing to be challenged, not indulged. If you're evaluating your values and deciding to move away from consumption in general, fine, but if you're just consuming more because you think you're being "frugal" by spending $30 on crappy jeans that end up in a landfill every year, something else is going on.

DP here. For some things this is true but not for all things. The $30 Costco puffer coat has been just as warm and lasted me just as long as an LL bean one or a Patagonia one. Lululemon doesn't last twice as long because it costs twice as much as other brands.

Just curious, what income is considered poor here?

$350k

[Anonymous]

It's all about what you value. My husband buys the majority of his clothes at Costco and Kohls, and even still only shops when absolutely necessary. He does the majority of our home repairs himself based on youtube videos. He also maintains our yard himself.

And yet has no issue at all dropping $100 on a date lunch with me on a random Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all about what you value. My husband buys the majority of his clothes at Costco and Kohls, and even still only shops when absolutely necessary. He does the majority of our home repairs himself based on youtube videos. He also maintains our yard himself.

And yet has no issue at all dropping $100 on a date lunch with me on a random Tuesday.

That's sweet.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I get it. Lately most of my clothing is second hand. But I do pay $13 for deodorant, which is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many people misinterpreted my post and it's my fault for writing frugal, but what I meant is cheap. I like nice things like everyone else so I don't try to buy second hand clothes or off brand food but some things, are just too hard to buy in general and nowadays especially with rising costs.

So don’t buy things. This isn’t a problem. Not buying things doesn’t mean you’re cheap.

Yes, but the thing Is I want to buy those items.

Learn to stop wanting to be wasteful OP. You don’t need those things, and you know it. Go see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I don't shop unless we need something. But I have no problem spending $50+ on a pair of jeans that I love, or a Lululemon sports bra for DD because that's what she really wants and will wear it once a week.

I consider it wasteful to buy a bunch of stuff that you don't love. I buy fewer, nicer things for my family. It doesn't seem to cost any more than buying a bunch of cheap, trendy stuff and we feel good wearing the items.