Hookup Culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is interesting. I was talking to two other friends a couple months ago and all of us admitted to having more partners than our husband, mostly as a result of college hook up culture. We all felt we were “slutty” in college. Two of us came from Catholic upbringings (think PreK-12th Catholic school).

We are all nearing 50, with high level careers, upper middle class, one marriage, and pretty happy/confident overall (including our current sex lives).

I am only saying this because obviously there is still such a stigma surrounding women and sex. While my daughter has only had one long term boyfriend, I let him stay in our house, in her bed, when he visits. Same with my son’s girlfriends. Both my kids do not feel nearly as stigmatized by their sexual choices, and I think that is so healthy.

OP, if your daughter is being safe (mentally and physically) let her be.

+1

Though I never felt or saw myself as slutty. For me, the hook up culture was incredibly fun - and my choices were intentional, consentual, and educational, too.

My college hook ups as well as my erelationships in college and my twenties were key to understanding myself and what I wanted and needed, as well as how to communicate, have empathy, and connect with a partner, even if only for a night or weekend.

No regrets, and I would be fine if my DD or DS made similar choices. I would also be fine if they were more conservative in their choices. People are different, and as long as they are safe and content, I will be, too.

I will say that I’d be surprised if either of my kids confided in me openly about their hookups. They’re teens and we have a great relationship, but my sense is they already share far more with their friends than with me. This feels appropriate to me, but again, different families have different values and boundaries. There are so many ways to have close, supportive relationships with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hooking up with a different guy every weekend? as in FULL hookup?

gross!

I have two college sons who are D1 athletes at P4 schools. They told me that they are sleeping with different women every few days because women want them. Many of these women get passed around by athletes. My sons told me they will sleep with these women, but no serious relationship with them because of their sexual activities.

I think you went astray raising these young men.

They don’t see women as equal humans. They use them for their body parts .

I would be very disappointed if my sons were like yours.

Thinking similar. Also, there could be an element of coercion involved. Peer advisors warn freshman girls at my kid's school about the male sports teams inviting them to parties. They are notorious for pushing vast amounts of alcohol on girls in order to facilitate sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has always been very open with me, which has continued through her 1st year of college. Throughout high school, she was mostly about her friends, but she did have a boyfriend for most of her senior year, including prom. Over the summer, they decided to go their separate ways so that they could both enjoy college in different states.

I feel like my daughter is hooking up with a new guy every weekend and loving the "freedom" she has. I try not to be too critical as I want her to continue to trust me and confide in me, but I am also starting to see my own daughter as a slut. I know, I know, the word is horrible. But I just mean she is looser than I am comfortable with but I am pretending to be okay with it.

Anyone else feel similarly? Do you try to get your daughter to stop? Slow down? Or just continue to encourage her to be safe? I feel very lost on how to parent her- especially now that she is an adult and over 600 miles away!

If she's having sex with a different guy every weekend, that's a lot for an 18-19 year old to handle emotionally. I feel like it's important to teach your kids (better if you do this before college) that sex shouldn't be something that you freely do with just anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hooking up with a different guy every weekend? as in FULL hookup?

gross!

I have two college sons who are D1 athletes at P4 schools. They told me that they are sleeping with different women every few days because women want them. Many of these women get passed around by athletes. My sons told me they will sleep with these women, but no serious relationship with them because of their sexual activities.

I think you went astray raising these young men.

They don’t see women as equal humans. They use them for their body parts .

I would be very disappointed if my sons were like yours.

bDo you feel the same about OP's daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is interesting. I was talking to two other friends a couple months ago and all of us admitted to having more partners than our husband, mostly as a result of college hook up culture. We all felt we were “slutty” in college. Two of us came from Catholic upbringings (think PreK-12th Catholic school).

We are all nearing 50, with high level careers, upper middle class, one marriage, and pretty happy/confident overall (including our current sex lives).

I am only saying this because obviously there is still such a stigma surrounding women and sex. While my daughter has only had one long term boyfriend, I let him stay in our house, in her bed, when he visits. Same with my son’s girlfriends. Both my kids do not feel nearly as stigmatized by their sexual choices, and I think that is so healthy.

OP, if your daughter is being safe (mentally and physically) let her be.

+1

Though I never felt or saw myself as slutty. For me, the hook up culture was incredibly fun - and my choices were intentional, consentual, and educational, too.

My college hook ups as well as my erelationships in college and my twenties were key to understanding myself and what I wanted and needed, as well as how to communicate, have empathy, and connect with a partner, even if only for a night or weekend.

No regrets, and I would be fine if my DD or DS made similar choices. I would also be fine if they were more conservative in their choices. People are different, and as long as they are safe and content, I will be, too.

I will say that I’d be surprised if either of my kids confided in me openly about their hookups. They’re teens and we have a great relationship, but my sense is they already share far more with their friends than with me. This feels appropriate to me, but again, different families have different values and boundaries. There are so many ways to have close, supportive relationships with our kids.

How aware is your husband of your hookup history, considering how much of an important role it played in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hooking up with a different guy every weekend? as in FULL hookup?

gross!

I have two college sons who are D1 athletes at P4 schools. They told me that they are sleeping with different women every few days because women want them. Many of these women get passed around by athletes. My sons told me they will sleep with these women, but no serious relationship with them because of their sexual activities.

Your sons sound vile. A lot of women don’t want men like this.

Now let's see you speak the same way about OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Do UVA students hookup more than W&M?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is interesting. I was talking to two other friends a couple months ago and all of us admitted to having more partners than our husband, mostly as a result of college hook up culture. We all felt we were “slutty” in college. Two of us came from Catholic upbringings (think PreK-12th Catholic school).

We are all nearing 50, with high level careers, upper middle class, one marriage, and pretty happy/confident overall (including our current sex lives).

I am only saying this because obviously there is still such a stigma surrounding women and sex. While my daughter has only had one long term boyfriend, I let him stay in our house, in her bed, when he visits. Same with my son’s girlfriends. Both my kids do not feel nearly as stigmatized by their sexual choices, and I think that is so healthy.

OP, if your daughter is being safe (mentally and physically) let her be.

+1

Though I never felt or saw myself as slutty. For me, the hook up culture was incredibly fun - and my choices were intentional, consentual, and educational, too.

My college hook ups as well as my erelationships in college and my twenties were key to understanding myself and what I wanted and needed, as well as how to communicate, have empathy, and connect with a partner, even if only for a night or weekend.

No regrets, and I would be fine if my DD or DS made similar choices. I would also be fine if they were more conservative in their choices. People are different, and as long as they are safe and content, I will be, too.

I will say that I’d be surprised if either of my kids confided in me openly about their hookups. They’re teens and we have a great relationship, but my sense is they already share far more with their friends than with me. This feels appropriate to me, but again, different families have different values and boundaries. There are so many ways to have close, supportive relationships with our kids.

If that is not slutty, i dont know what is. Give me break. Do what you want, but dont go around pretending this was not slutty. You were slutty. Admit it. Nothing wrong with that. if that is what you wanted, cool. Wonder if Hubby knew about your escapades with 50 partners before marrying you, or if it is your little secret….You cant have it both ways to think it is perfectly normal and yet, be embarrassed to be honest about it with our husband. I can guarantee you one thing. There is not one SANE men out there that would be ok marrying someone how has had 50+ partners….like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the fence on this. I feel most of us would not care if our son was hooking up every weekend, so why care that a daughter is? Women should also embrace their sexuality. On the other hand, there is still a societal bias and many guys will not want to date her when she is ready for a relationship. Personally, I would just encourage her to be safe and leave it at that.

Why wouldn’t a guy want to date her? She isn’t obligated to tell him “her number” and any guy that would ask this and demand to know isn’t worth dating.

They’ll all date, few will want to marry her.

I'm the PP who said I was probably a lot like her daughter. I, along with most of my friends who also happily hooked up a lot in college, are all happily married with families now. Not sure why people always post that they won't be able to have relationships when they want them. None of us had trouble getting boyfriends when we actually wanted to settle down in a relationship.

That depends on how honest you are, and how early in the relationship.

This. I’m yet to meet a reasonable decent man that would knowingly want to marry a girl who has lived it up with 30+ guys in college…

A reasonable man who had no better options but to take a chance on a woman like this hoping family life with settle her down.

BS. If he knew the truth you wouldn’t be married. Hard to admit that….but true

[Anonymous]

Lots of porn stars are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do UVA students hookup more than W&M?

How could anyone possibly have any valid sample on this topic at either school? Laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would help for you to identify what you're worried about. I sound a lot like your daughter. No STDs, no pregnancy scares, no regrets. Have been very happily married to DH for 17 years.

You may need to tell her not to share so much with you. I can't imagine sharing my hookups with my mom like I did my girlfriends. Talk to her about consent and alcohol. And being safe. Not going off with a guy without her friends knowing. It's better for her to bring a guy to her place. But if it's at the point where you're starting to change your view on her (and thinking of your daughter as a slut is exactly that), I really do think you need to set a boundary with her about hearing about her sexual conquests in college.

I agree with this one. I might have told my mom about a guy I met, but I wouldn't have been calling her every week to detail the list of guys I'd slept with. That's too much.

In general, I don't think sex should be casual, so I would have an issue with this and wouldn't want to know if my DCs were like that. The girls I knew in college who were hooking up with the football team, for example, all had either low self esteem or daddy issues. There's a big difference between having a few not-that-serious relationships in college and sleeping with random people every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DD mean by “hooking up”? We did a lot of this in college, but it meant making out (kissing and touching), not having sex. We all did a lot of hooking up aka making out but only had sex when we had boyfriends. I’d be very disturbed if my DD, or my DS, was having sex with different people regularly. It wouldn’t bother me in the least if they were making out but it stopped there.

This was my thought also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do UVA students hookup more than W&M?

Anecdotal evidence from earlier posts would seem to indicate yes. W&M kids to busy being quirky to hookup.

[Anonymous]

What’s her body count so far?