Is this emotionally abusive/mean ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the OP that posted before but this time I have a very specific question

I live at home in my 20’s and when I tell my mom that Im probably going to move out if she continues to try and control me she says ” And where would you go 😂?”

I added the laughing emoji because she laughs / smiles when she says that.

Any other parent would encourage me. When she says that I feel incapable. Sometimes she’ll say how Im so capable and have potential in life. Other days she says shit like that. And anytime I confront her about it she gets upset, goes outside for an hour, comes back and is cold

OP, I have been thinking about it, and this is the most important sentence in your post. This, right here, is where your work begins. You feel incapable. Let that in, the full weight of it. Then ask: What would it take for you to feel undeniably capable?

Is there information you lack, or skills you don’t yet have, or resources you need to acquire? Spend some naming for yourself all the things in the space between where you are now and feeling fully capable. Just name them at first. Once named — and only once named — you can begin taking steps to overcome them.

Whoops I meant to highlight this sentence:

I feel incapable.

[Anonymous]

Stop over sharing with your mom and move out.

[Anonymous]

Make plans to move out, and when you have them all settled, let your mom know the date. You are in your 20s, you are an adult, so it’s time to get some space from your mom. Definitely try and do some therapy, moving out will help you get some clarify on what type of relationship you want with your mother in the future. GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sincerely, could your mom have borderline personality disorder? I recommend you read Walking on Eggshells and see how familiar it sounds.

She has something for sure. She only gets like this though when I confront her. I, the youngest.

I dont know why

The solution is to move out. Visit her as much as you can without her getting under your skin. You need to be able to get up and leave if she’s making you feel bad about yourself. You can’t set boundaries if you are living with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t fixate on defining or labeling her behavior, just get out of there and distance yourself. The thing about making you feel incapable will not go away with age, and even though you know better some part of you will believe her. Don’t let her paralyze your life, just take care of yourself and get out of there

This. I have an emotionally abusive mother so I get it. They key is you need to be independent of her. Sadly she may try to sabotage you if she is truly nuts, but just focus on your goal of being independent of her. Then, you can figure out what level of interactions you want with her, but I would not share anything too personal. Also, if your mom is like mine having a therapist to check in with now and then is helpful. During stressors and transitions my mother because highly abusive and prone to rage, insults and extremely controlling behavior. Hopefully your mom is not like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, she’s fine.
You wanna move out, so do it. Stop “threatening “ and go live your own life

OP can't because she and her mother are locked in this sick dance that will only end when one of them dies.

Or when OP finds the right therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the OP that posted before but this time I have a very specific question

I live at home in my 20’s and when I tell my mom that Im probably going to move out if she continues to try and control me she says ” And where would you go 😂?”

I added the laughing emoji because she laughs / smiles when she says that.

Any other parent would encourage me. When she says that I feel incapable. Sometimes she’ll say how Im so capable and have potential in life. Other days she says shit like that. And anytime I confront her about it she gets upset, goes outside for an hour, comes back and is cold

OP, I have been thinking about it, and this is the most important sentence in your post. This, right here, is where your work begins. You feel incapable. Let that in, the full weight of it. Then ask: What would it take for you to feel undeniably capable?

Is there information you lack, or skills you don’t yet have, or resources you need to acquire? Spend some naming for yourself all the things in the space between where you are now and feeling fully capable. Just name them at first. Once named — and only once named — you can begin taking steps to overcome them.

Whoops I meant to highlight this sentence:

I feel incapable.

💯
OP, you are an adult. So, adult!
The more you want mommy to say you can and she's proud of you, the more you represent the baby she's infantalizing you to be. Get a job, move out. Problem solved.

I come from a UMC family where money was never an issue. My parents were emotionally neglectful and never wanted to help me. I've been on my own since I was 18. I experienced periods of hunger, loneliness, and isolation. I know my parents are not a fall back option. Yours clearly are. If you move out and fail, they will help you, so do it. Recently DH and I both lost our jobs. We have 3 kids and a mortgage. My parents could easily help us but prefer to pity us "I'm so sorry you are going through this." Their pity doesn't pay the bills and is meaningless to me. My point? Adult now, because you will need these skills in the future. And be grateful you have parents who care about you. Many of us don't.

[Anonymous]

From all your writings, it seems that you and your mother (and perhaps other relatives) aren't fully healthy mentally. Your mother has identified weaknesses in your make-up that concern her about your ability to be fully independent. And nastily, she points it out. You get upset because deep down, you are afraid that she's right.

Do you have ADHD, OP? ADHD is very common, and it often comes with anxiety, feelings of insecurity, etc. If you have ADHD and the executive disorder that comes with it, it's hard for you to get organized, follow-through with a life plan, be efficient, etc. And of course you can get very anxious about your levels of performance, which will make you lash out, or say nasty things, such as threats to move out (which are ridiculous, either you move out or you don't).

So you need to understand WHY you act the way you do. Maybe you could be evaluated by a psychologist, and see where you are. Maybe you'd benefit from ADHD meds, to help you focus. Maybe you need therapy, but be careful not to use therapy as an excuse to complain to someone about others without gaining insight into your mental make-up.

But I hope you understand that your current dynamic with your mother isn't healthy, and that you contribute to it just as much as your mother contributes to it. You can't change your mother, but you CAN change yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the OP that posted before but this time I have a very specific question

I live at home in my 20’s and when I tell my mom that Im probably going to move out if she continues to try and control me she says ” And where would you go 😂?”

I added the laughing emoji because she laughs / smiles when she says that.

Any other parent would encourage me. When she says that I feel incapable. Sometimes she’ll say how Im so capable and have potential in life. Other days she says shit like that. And anytime I confront her about it she gets upset, goes outside for an hour, comes back and is cold

Well if you did have some where to go you would have left the nest in your 20's. She's not wrong? What is the problem?

This is NOT abuse. I think you should probably leave the nest now. She's actually being much nicer than I would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you live at home as an adult?

+1000 this entire thread makes no sense.
If you don't like how you're being treated move out! And no your mom it not abusive. Be thankful you don't know what the word means.

[Anonymous]

How is she controlling you exactly? I will say that if you live under her roof as an adult and she pays your bills/expenses, then she is allowed to have some rules and expectations for you. Is this what you are calling control, or something out of the ordinary?

And is she saying this in the context of you abstractly saying you'll move out, but with no specific plan? Because I could see how frustrating that would be. You want to be taken care of and you also say you want her to enable you by saying you are capable as you are not making capable choices. It's a mind-twisting request and she is going out to avoid blowing up which is not a bad way of dealing.

Time to stop blaming her and take action with very specific steps in terms of job and finding a place to live. If that is not possible for whatever reasons (mental health or other limitations) then please consider reframing your views of your mom in light of the above. You are lucky you are able to live at home and might need a mindset switch.

[Anonymous]

OP I posted before and have an emotionally abusive mother. The thing is I dealt by being as independent as possible and it helped. From an early age I joined many clubs and sports to be out of the house. I worked summers in college so I could live away from her. She resented it and shamed me, but it it's not as painful when you are not in the same house.

I had to learn radical acceptance. It stinks. Many people don't get it. I cannot change her. It's unfair, but ultimately I am in charge of my future and happiness. I was very careful in who I married so as not to repeat patterns and I broke the cycle of abuse with my own kids. I still feel sadness and hurt (and she is even nastier with age). You are allowed to mourn the parent you never had.

Just remember nobody is coming to rescue us so we have to save ourselves and be our own hero. Put on your cape and fly off to an independent life. Build a life that brings you joy. Resilience is a beautiful thing. You can have a good life even with an abusive parent, but you have to stop expecting her to change or accept you. You can do this. Build that life!