Is this emotionally abusive/mean ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, she’s fine.
You wanna move out, so do it. Stop “threatening “ and go live your own life

But then the mom couldn't be punished by confrontational lectures on how she is "emotionally abusive"--it is urgent that mom is constantly reminded of this, important for the relationship, right?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, absolutely not. You sound like a very difficult and extremely immature child. Please start seeing your mom as a complete human. Yta

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll. In case it isn't:

The mother sounds a little critical in a way that's difficult to predict, which is stressful for OP. She should have learned by now not to behave like this with someone like OP. On the other hand, they're both giving each other mixed signals, so it's hard for both of them to understand each other.

The OP sounds as if they might have a diagnosis (probably autistic in nature): sensitive to perceived putdowns and prone to disproportionate emotional reactions. I have autistic relatives who react in the same way. It runs in families, so perhaps the mother is on the spectrum as well.

OP, you need therapy and you need to move out. Your mother will manage without you.

[Anonymous]

Don’t fixate on defining or labeling her behavior, just get out of there and distance yourself. The thing about making you feel incapable will not go away with age, and even though you know better some part of you will believe her. Don’t let her paralyze your life, just take care of yourself and get out of there

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a toxic situation and you need to get out and seek therapy. Your mom and others should do the same. For how long an aging woman can be responsible for multiple grown ass adults seething in resentment but not doing much to change it.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is definitely the most thankless job even though there is no training or compensation but strict judgement and harsh reviews of performance, more so when clients abuse the services and stay way past intended time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a toxic situation and you need to get out and seek therapy. Your mom and others should do the same. For how long an aging woman can be responsible for multiple grown ass adults seething in resentment but not doing much to change it.

+1
You mom is probably in agony, living with someone who hates her and assaults her character and call is is "love" and "feedback"

[Anonymous]

Dude, move out. That’s what’s going to break that weird cycle.

Your mother may be conflicted in how she feels about you moving out, and she may also not be sure about the mixed messages you’re sending her. You say you’re going to move out, but it seems like you’re not moving out. So move out! And get some independence and then you and your mother can go from there. If then she starts trying to undermine you or make you feel incapable, you can leave and go home to your own place!

[Anonymous]

Two things are true:

1. Emotionally abusive parents exist.

2. Everything we experience — particularly relationships, and most intensely close relationships that have been influenced by power dynamics, such as the parent-child relationship — is filtered through our own perception, which is inherently subjective and distorted by our own insecurities and assumptions.

There are times I say something with fully loving/helpful intention to my young adult kid, and somewhere between it leaving my mouth and entering her brain, the meaning gets inverted, and it is experienced solely as criticism, which was the furthest thing from what I intended. In my experience, this tends to happen when we are touching on something about which she’s already insecure. It’s as if there’s some part of her that’s searching for confirmation that the cruel voice in her head is accurate.

To be fair, I do this too. We all do. As an example: Recently my partner said something that touched upon ann issue about which I was insecure, related to a work thing, and I wound up crying and angry. Talking it through, it became obvious that the issue was really about my insecurity more than the thing that was said.

It is the work of a lifetime to create a bit of distance between our perception of reality and “reality.” I’ve been on this planet half a century, and I’m still learning. But I’ve found the effort itself is worthwhile — that the mere attempt helps soften my edges and diminishes the power of the voice in my head (and also of genuinely cruel comments when they do come).

Op, I have no idea if your parent is emotionally abusive. I can’t possibly know. I do know that there is no getting parenting 100% right. Even the best, most intuitive parents are ordinary flawed mortals working with imperfect information, trying to communicate across complex emotional spaces beneath which lurk an array of invisible fault lines. In the best of cases, we try to minimize damage and repair what damage we do as best as we can.

Please know I am not defending your parent. I don’t know your parent. As I say, emotionally abusive parents absolutely exist, and it’s clear that something in your relationship isn’t working. I’m just trying to articulate something about the problem of being a human in relationship with others. No matter what, I hope you find grace and space. Wishing you the very best.

[Anonymous]

Why do you live at home as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, she’s fine.
You wanna move out, so do it. Stop “threatening “ and go live your own life

OP can't because she and her mother are locked in this sick dance that will only end when one of them dies.

[Anonymous]

When my parents did this I just quietly saved up and then arranged to leave, and only told them the day I was moving out.

Stop expecting this parent to be supportive OP, they aren't going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, she’s fine.
You wanna move out, so do it. Stop “threatening “ and go live your own life

OP can't because she and her mother are locked in this sick dance that will only end when one of them dies.

That's just dumb toxic victim mindset to justify inaction. Its always easier to blame than taking responsibility of your own destiny. Such adults want to live at home, not follow host's terms yet demand all the benefits.

[Anonymous]

Behaving like terrible toddlers or teens isn't acceptable behavior from adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the OP that posted before but this time I have a very specific question

I live at home in my 20’s and when I tell my mom that Im probably going to move out if she continues to try and control me she says ” And where would you go 😂?”

I added the laughing emoji because she laughs / smiles when she says that.

Any other parent would encourage me. When she says that I feel incapable. Sometimes she’ll say how Im so capable and have potential in life. Other days she says shit like that. And anytime I confront her about it she gets upset, goes outside for an hour, comes back and is cold

OP, I have been thinking about it, and this is the most important sentence in your post. This, right here, is where your work begins. You feel incapable. Let that in, the full weight of it. Then ask: What would it take for you to feel undeniably capable?

Is there information you lack, or skills you don’t yet have, or resources you need to acquire? Spend some naming for yourself all the things in the space between where you are now and feeling fully capable. Just name them at first. Once named — and only once named — you can begin taking steps to overcome them.