I got called a doormat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hard for a friend group to function when some members are edging towards tradwife and others are expecting men to be equal partners and not verbally f*llating them to others just for having a job and doing outside chores.

This isn't the feminist flex you may have thought it to be, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

This is the only part that raises flags for me. You are married. The money is yours jointly as should be decisions about home buying and spending money. But it sounds like you are ok with the roles of provider and homemaker despite also contributing financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do that makes you a doormat?

I do a lot of the house stuff and childcare. My husband had a solo weekend with our 4 month old while I went on the trip. He asked some questions because I’m with the baby more. They kept making comments on how much he was texting me. A friend of ours is going through a divorce and she told me to watch it and not end up like her doing everything. I told her I was very happy with my situation and it works for us. They started sh*t talking their husbands. They made joking comments about my husband being a man child and called me a doormat. These were women I don’t know very well. Only two of the women I’m actual friends with and they stuck up for me.

I think you need to take what's worth taking here, which is that your husband may be a little too dependent on you as a parent, or may be passively punishing you for going out of town. It may seem manageable now but with two kids that will get old.

That sounds like what you would do. Men just tell tell you to your face if they have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DH IS contacting you too much on a girl’s weekend — a one-off text, fine, but he should be able to take care of his own baby without bothering you. Sounds like he is either incompetent or trying to punish you for going away and seems like on some level you are sensing it.

And agree with a PP that it sounds like you are not being present enough and they are annoyed you are on your phone.

I’m the OP. Neither is true. My husband is a great father but I spend know time with the baby. I go back to work this Monday so I’ve been able to be at home for the last 4 months really learning my baby.

My husband didn’t blow up my phone but he did text me pics of the baby ( he rolled over for the first time when I was home). He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. I responded each time. I don’t see that as being incompetent. He’s trying to see what I do to match that.

They ladies may have been trying to warn me or just jealous. I cook almost all of the meals and take care of the home the most. My husband makes most of our money. He bought me the house I want, doesn’t question when I spend money ( unless extravagant), and takes care of the outside of the home and any repairs without me asking him twice. We have a good system and I like it.

Some asked how life has been with a newborn and going back to work. They mentioned how little time that window is between getting home and putting baby to bed. Asked about when we will have a second kid. They balked at the response that I have done most of the parenting and try to have my husband come home to a hot meal.

“ He asked about some breast milk question, how to get him to sleep, and what to do because he wouldn’t fall asleep without trying to nurse. “

He didn’t know how to soothe the baby or how your baby was eating or sleeping prior to your trip?

It’s a four month old and op is the primary caretaker. That’s hardly unusual. Babies are changing daily at that point. Of course the partner who doesn’t do bedtime every night will have questions.

[Anonymous]

Don’t discuss your husband or your family life with your friends, OP. Don’t brag or complain. Find something else to talk about. Be more private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

+1

I’m glad you’re content, OP. And the women should’ve been nicer.

But after a few years and multiple kids, this setup gets old. Men start to slip and women get more stuff piled on. Maternity leave isn’t the “real world.”

[Anonymous]

Don't take marriage advice from friends who are spinsters, divorced or in troubled marriages. They see your world through their cracked glasses.

[Anonymous]

Its not any different than happily married people trying to get everyone else married because they see world through their rosy lenses.

[Anonymous]

Well, I would be surprised if a first time parent with an infant wasn't feeling overwhelmed on his first solo weekend with the baby who was mostly cared by the parent on maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to the love of my life going on 3 years. We have been together for almost 6. I had a girls trip and I was told I’m a “ doormat” by some of them for how much I do for my husband. They made chiding jokes about it. I was taken aback by the comment and have been reflecting ever since. I know their comments shouldn’t hold weight but they do. I don’t want to change a thing because I adore my husband and our system works but I question if I really am a doormat.

Most women tend to be very catty and love to wreck other's relationships for various reasons such as jealousy or drama. Misery loves company sort of thing.

Never ever take relationship advice from your friends.

You misogyny is showing.

[Anonymous]

If you were really so gloriously happy, I don’t think your friends could ruffle your contentment. Nor do I think you would be asking strangers if you are a doormat.

Please get counseling because you seem incapable of looking inward to answer your own question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your plan is to go to work full time and still take care of baby and house and food all 100%, I think your friends were right, too. But being a happy doormat isn’t a bad life, if that’s what you want.

+1

I’m glad you’re content, OP. And the women should’ve been nicer.

But after a few years and multiple kids, this setup gets old. Men start to slip and women get more stuff piled on. Maternity leave isn’t the “real world.”

This. The whole "my amazing husband works sooooo hard and deserves a nice hot meal while I pet his biceps" song and dance doesn't last long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would be surprised if a first time parent with an infant wasn't feeling overwhelmed on his first solo weekend with the baby who was mostly cared by the parent on maternity leave.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't take marriage advice from friends who are spinsters, divorced or in troubled marriages. They see your world through their cracked glasses.

“Spinsters ?” Really, what year is this?

High time to retire this gendered performative.