Complete Loss of Custody- Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental health issues or really bad alcoholism that impacted the kids.

+1
One mom in our circle was driving drunk with small children in her car to pick up her older child in carpool. The school reported her.

[Anonymous]

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce so that he could marry his pregnant girlfriend. I readily agreed and said he could have custody of the four children, including two with IEPs. I had to have extensive psychological testing to prove I was an unfit mother because I didn't want the kids. Finally, a judge forced me to have partial custody of the kids and for ex-DH to have partial custody. The new wife made it so unpleasant for the kids, that my ex-DH did not bother with the visitations. I never went to court to get custody of them, we just pretended for years that he "couldn't make it" the times he had custody. I gave his parents full access to the children and that also kept him quiet.

If I had fought for full custody, it would have been expensive and taken time. It less than three months he was out of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she have a lawyer?

This did it for me. 2 DUIs and a string of times ex called the cops to say cops were called. No lawyer. He was vindictive as another pp said. Controlling. Going back to court again this year. Dd wants to run away from him.

[Anonymous]

2 DUI should be enough
more than enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having worked in family law there are all kinds of reasons women can lose custody. A lot of times they have vindctive ex husbands who will spend any amount of money to punish their ex wife for leaving them. Courts are biased against women, most judges/lawyers/police officers are male.

This is the truth. MRAs have perpetrated some mass brainwashing on this topic, and the system itself is full of abusers.

80% of cases settle without going to court. Abusive men weaponize the process and they get significant and sole custody more often than not. I have seen clear cases of severe abuse with incontrovertible evidence and the protective mother still loses custody.

OP, your friend or relative may feel deep shame and pain. Looking at this thread gives you a hint as to why. Statistically, it’s very likely she did nothing wrong. Be a listening ear and support her. They often make supervised visitations a humiliating and demoralizing experience, so if you can help in anyway there, do it. She likely still has rights to educational information, health information, conferences. She should exercise all of those rights, and be a Disney Princess while she’s doing it, even if people are downright nasty to her. Just ask pleasant open ended questions about her child, listen, and thank. Never speak negatively to these people about the other parent. This will be important for her children no matter what, and it may help in a future case. Judges and social workers are often swayed by teachers. If two years down the road, Dad is saying Mom is crazy, and teachers say well she’s always reasonable and seems like a good mom to me that is often more valuable than anything else you present. It’s like the one place teachers get respect.

You'd bet she lost custody, not because of something she refuses to mention, but..... because her ex..... manipulated the United States court system? And, further, you have the 'statistics' to prove this?

Go take your man hating someplace else, lady. The odds are astromically in favor of her having done something that endangered the child. There is no other explanation about court ordered supervised vists.

I’m not a lady, and you have no authority to tell anyone where to go. You seem triggered and are displaying classic DARVO behavior, which happens to be a common tactic amongst abusive men. Interesting.

For people that want to understand the dynamics of abuse and how they are so badly handled in the family courts, I recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband told me he wanted a divorce so that he could marry his pregnant girlfriend. I readily agreed and said he could have custody of the four children, including two with IEPs. I had to have extensive psychological testing to prove I was an unfit mother because I didn't want the kids. Finally, a judge forced me to have partial custody of the kids and for ex-DH to have partial custody. The new wife made it so unpleasant for the kids, that my ex-DH did not bother with the visitations. I never went to court to get custody of them, we just pretended for years that he "couldn't make it" the times he had custody. I gave his parents full access to the children and that also kept him quiet.

If I had fought for full custody, it would have been expensive and taken time. It less than three months he was out of our lives.

Did you not want custody? Sorry I’m just a little confused by your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having worked in family law there are all kinds of reasons women can lose custody. A lot of times they have vindctive ex husbands who will spend any amount of money to punish their ex wife for leaving them. Courts are biased against women, most judges/lawyers/police officers are male.

On the other hand, sure, sometimes there are bad moms who did bad things. It's really hard to judge just from the loss of custody alone.

This.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental health issues or really bad alcoholism that impacted the kids.

Yes to mental health. Ex SIL (ex husband’s sister) lost custody of her kid. If she is good, you could never tell, but a few times she got bad in front of the judge. And she is a lawyer herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she have a lawyer?

This did it for me. 2 DUIs and a string of times ex called the cops to say cops were called. No lawyer. He was vindictive as another pp said. Controlling. Going back to court again this year. Dd wants to run away from him.

It isn’t vindictive to want your kids to not be with someone with multiple DUIs! He wants his kids alive and that’s reasonable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't lose custody beacuse of words .You lose it because of actions.

Yes you can when the other party lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, unless you are her relative or very close, confiding friend -- you're looking for fuel for your speculation. That's all you have, speculation. Can you see how gossipy this all is? Gee, she lost all custody, she must have A Big! Awful! Secret! No, you have no idea, and speculating is unkind.

Also: Someone earlier in this thread insisted that her reluctance to explain why she lost custody is a red flag. No, it's not.

One, she does not owe anyone details of her private concerns. Certainly not you, OP, unless you have a very direct and personal stake in her and her child's lives. Do you? No? Zero information owed you.

Two, she may have done nothing wrong at all but may be embarrassed and upset that she's lost custody. Can you see how that profound an upset make someone want NOT to talk about it?

1. Stop being a Karen.
2. The state does not forcibly remove children from people who have "done nothng wrong."

This isn't true. The person with the more power and money can win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since others are offering examples: I know a woman who lost custody of her toddler because her ex insisted the child needed a "two-parent household" and that the mom, who worked full-time, "wouldn't provide adequate care and would just stick the child in day care." The ex-DH had swiftly married his affair partner, by the way, so he was able to present them as a perfect couple where the new wife would stay home with his and his ex-DW's child. The mom was trashed, as a mom, for having to work full-time to pay the bills. And a judge just bought the whole sexist crap argument about "needing" a stay-at-home mom.

This was my fear. Ex wanted some loosey-goosey unwritten “agreement” about custody, then went overseas and brought home a young woman who he quickly married. I significantly out earned him and had a nagging fear he’d use this 2 parent household argument to file for full custody and CS. I told him to pound sand and retained an attorney. Best decision I could make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having worked in family law there are all kinds of reasons women can lose custody. A lot of times they have vindctive ex husbands who will spend any amount of money to punish their ex wife for leaving them. Courts are biased against women, most judges/lawyers/police officers are male.

On the other hand, sure, sometimes there are bad moms who did bad things. It's really hard to judge just from the loss of custody alone.

Yeeeaaahhhh, no. Pretty much every single dad I know had an uphill battle with custody. It was just assumed the mom would get them.

Yeah, that's just a cope and a lie from men. Most men dont even seek out custody but will lie and tell everyone that their wife "stole their kids" because they dont want to seem like a jerk of a dad.The reality is the court system almost uniformly favors men

You know it's not. You're trotting out an old sexist trope.

When was the last time you were at a soccer game, pediatrcians office, tot lot, etc. It's about 60/40 women vs men. This isn't the 50s anymore, sweetie.

It's not. It's reality https://www.washingtonpost.com/gender-identity/moms-who-allege-child-abuse-are-much-more-likely-to-lose-custody-study-finds/

You're using an unpublished, 15 year old, 'study' about the effects of both men and women alleging abuse during custoday battles to refute my assertions that:
a.) Men are far more engaged in their kid's lives today, and thus, deserve a fair shake in custody hearings, and
b.) Women generally get full custody?

Umm, ok.

Np. Women do not get full custody. Most custody is shared

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having worked in family law there are all kinds of reasons women can lose custody. A lot of times they have vindctive ex husbands who will spend any amount of money to punish their ex wife for leaving them. Courts are biased against women, most judges/lawyers/police officers are male.

On the other hand, sure, sometimes there are bad moms who did bad things. It's really hard to judge just from the loss of custody alone.

Yeeeaaahhhh, no. Pretty much every single dad I know had an uphill battle with custody. It was just assumed the mom would get them.

Here's how mine went and it's not an anecdote. My ex- DH attacked me and we both got locked up. We didn't even live together at that moment. Judge was a male and I lost custody to DH after I had said that he was a drug dealer and/or judge believed his story of me attacking him. Not sure which one. I was allowed to see my kid whenever ex felt like it. He called me if I didn't bring the kid fast enough and he called me if I didn't come to get the kid. I was also sent to parenting class. Ex called and yelled at me for not coming to get the kid as I sit in that class. He did not believe I was in it even though judge said it out loud. See what drugs do to memory.
Few months later, we had a court date again. I told the female judge that he was a drug dealer and I want my kid away from him. She took the kid from him, and he wasn't even allowed to see the kid 'til further notice'.
The African American female judge absolutely believed that the white man sold drugs and got away with it because he was white.
Neither judge asked for any proof. They both went with their feelings with 3 minutes of us standing there.
At final order, we ended up sharing the kid. I think I did say that he sold drugs to the third judge, but courts found it more important for the father to be around. Must be special for a dad to stick around in DC.
We went to court so many times as we tried to navigate divorce, custody and DV. Not once did it feel like I should be lucky to be a female. If any, the male judge wanted to punish me with the parenting class. Why not send ex with me? I was supposed to be in my college class at the same time.
Courts don't care about evidence. They want to hear bare minimum and push people through the system.
Our lives were complicated because we got caught up in it all. We learned out lesson. He never attacked me again, and I haven't reported him for not paying the minimum child support required for a decade+ or child's health insurance.

Everyone should read this carefully bc this is exactly how the system works. A judge makes a decision in about 10 minutes max - sometimes a ‘temporary’ decision but it can last for months or years even- on very little to no evidence

[Anonymous]

Drugs