Can swinging save sexless marriages or does it just delay the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I opened the marriage- it’s been 2 years, I don’t think we will divorce any time soon. We don’t advertise it and nobody would suspect.

How do you find other people if no one suspects?

The internet- my boyfriend is very far from my social circle and we know no one in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

Which doesn’t work 100%. Currently 8 months without having sex because of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines of OP’s post, the broader issues were:

- sexless marriage + not talking about it

How common is that here on DCUM ?

OP here. You are right. We spent years just barely talking about it. I was afraid to probe. Afraid the answer might be something I couldn’t deal with and I didn’t want to divorce. And for a long time, this worked. We got along fine; we were in a partnership raising kids. Then we stopped getting along, and it became unbearable to me. I don’t believe that he really understood why until all these talks. He was feeling lack of desire for me but didn't really understand the reason why.
I am sharing our experience because I’m sure it’s a common problem on DCUM and elsewhere. I would urge other people to be braver than we were about this very difficult topic.

OP, is he into men? Is he bisexual? I’m sure you won’t answer, but here’s my advice, assuming he isn’t fully gay.

He explored his sexuality. You need to give him an ultimatum: if he’s choosing you now, he needs to be monogamous (if you aren’t comfortable with this lifestyle of swinging and clubs.) Just like a straight person who willingly married a blonde with small boobs who really gets off on brunettes with huge milkers, this isn’t an excuse for him to be allowed run off with brunettes. He needs to figure it out, like yesterday.

This would be my hypothesis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At our 20 year mark we visited a life style club purely out of curiosity and maybe sexual boredom. For the next five years we’d visit a club or take a cruise a few times a year. We’d always be together with another couple and never with a large group though we did observe them and it wasn’t for us. After five years we actually tired of the scene and eventually stopped going. Our sex life is fine and monogamous and while we’ve talked about finding a like minded couple I don’t see it happening. We are your average UMC empty nest couple so our old behavior would shock our friends.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing. I could see something like this being our experience. I think finding a couple of like-minded people would be great, but for now he is worried about me somehow having feelings for someone else so he’s not comfortable with exchanging information yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for keeping this loser off the market.

Same. Wish it would keep these types of people confined to their lifestyle club for sex but they always have to also ruin things for the monogamous types too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At o mark we visited a life style club purely out of curiosity and maybe sexual boredom. For the next five years we’d visit a club or take a cruise a few times a year. We’d always be together with another couple and never with a large group though we did observe them and it wasn’t for us. After five years we actually tired of the scene and eventually stopped going. Our sex life is fine and monogamous and while we’ve talked about finding a like minded couple I don’t see it happening. We are your average UMC empty nest couple so our old behavior would shock our friends.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing. I could see something like this being our experience. I think finding a couple of like-minded people would be great, but for now he is worried about me somehow having feelings for someone else so he’s not comfortable with exchanging information yet.

He's right to be concerned; people can develop feelings, even for those who are supposed to be "just" no-strings sex partners. This is the risk that swingers don't want to admit is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

Which doesn’t work 100%. Currently 8 months without having sex because of one.

DCUM's idiotic "STDs are no big deal" contingent wont believe you, but I do. I'm so sorry, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

Ignoramus. Some STDs can be spread in ways other than penetrative sex. And for penetrative sex, condoms are never a guarantee against STDs, just like they're never a guarantee against pregnancy. Google it. Now you know.

Oh no, it's STD lady. Don't bother arguing with her, you can't win. She only has monogamous sex with one virgin man her whole life on clean cotton sheets. The rest of us are just running around spreading diseases no matter what we do.

Oh no, it's STDs-are-nothing guy. Got under your skin, I see. We all quake in lust before your thrillingly risky, bold attitude, you sadly raddled, yet oh, so macho lover!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At o mark we visited a life style club purely out of curiosity and maybe sexual boredom. For the next five years we’d visit a club or take a cruise a few times a year. We’d always be together with another couple and never with a large group though we did observe them and it wasn’t for us. After five years we actually tired of the scene and eventually stopped going. Our sex life is fine and monogamous and while we’ve talked about finding a like minded couple I don’t see it happening. We are your average UMC empty nest couple so our old behavior would shock our friends.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing. I could see something like this being our experience. I think finding a couple of like-minded people would be great, but for now he is worried about me somehow having feelings for someone else so he’s not comfortable with exchanging information yet.

He's right to be concerned; people can develop feelings, even for those who are supposed to be "just" no-strings sex partners. This is the risk that swingers don't want to admit is there.

NP.

I agree with you PP.

The risk you describe is why resorts like Hedonism and Hedonism 2 are so popular: they have an explicit , unambiguous purpose, and they greatly reduce the chance a couple will encounter anyone from their home community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At our 20 year mark we visited a life style club purely out of curiosity and maybe sexual boredom. For the next five years we’d visit a club or take a cruise a few times a year. We’d always be together with another couple and never with a large group though we did observe them and it wasn’t for us. After five years we actually tired of the scene and eventually stopped going. Our sex life is fine and monogamous and while we’ve talked about finding a like minded couple I don’t see it happening. We are your average UMC empty nest couple so our old behavior would shock our friends.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing. I could see something like this being our experience. I think finding a couple of like-minded people would be great, but for now he is worried about me somehow having feelings for someone else so he’s not comfortable with exchanging information yet.

He may be right. Women will "fall in love" with a stranger who they have an emotional connection with. It's not very smart for a man to share his woman with someone else. Similarly a woman shouldn't willingly share her man either because another woman will snap him if she can. Causal sex doesn't matter women are emotional creatures who will break everything for that instant moment of vulnerability

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m not a typical woman, then. I haven’t fallen in love with everyone I’ve been with.

I think the risk of developing feelings for someone else was a lot higher before, when we weren’t having sex with one another at all.

Who knows, I could be wrong, wouldn’t be the first time. It’s just that this feels like a second act, like a honeymoon period, so we’ll take the risks in hopes it can continue. Thanks for your thoughts, DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with sex clubs is that activity favors women. I'm reasonably attractive, in good shape, blah blah blah. But nobody is going to mistake me for Tom Brady or George Clooney, if those are what women perceive as the ultimate. Yet my wife, who most men would generally find attractive could find action without lifting a finger.

If you're even a little bit attracted to the same-sex, you should market yourself as "Straight dad seeks relief after work". You will get action, and tons of it.

I have no doubt that the # of men experimenting is much higher than it was 30 or 40 years ago because of more acceptance + the Internet. But no interest here. Nothing against anyone who does this, but I like the female body in all shapes and sizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure it would delaying divorce, it would speed it up for me and I might use the suggestion in court to get a better deal

Nobody in court would care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines of OP’s post, the broader issues were:

- sexless marriage + not talking about it

How common is that here on DCUM ?

OP here. You are right. We spent years just barely talking about it. I was afraid to probe. Afraid the answer might be something I couldn’t deal with and I didn’t want to divorce. And for a long time, this worked. We got along fine; we were in a partnership raising kids. Then we stopped getting along, and it became unbearable to me. I don’t believe that he really understood why until all these talks. He was feeling lack of desire for me but didn't really understand the reason why.
I am sharing our experience because I’m sure it’s a common problem on DCUM and elsewhere. I would urge other people to be braver than we were about this very difficult topic.

OP, is he into men? Is he bisexual? I’m sure you won’t answer, but here’s my advice, assuming he isn’t fully gay.

He explored his sexuality. You need to give him an ultimatum: if he’s choosing you now, he needs to be monogamous (if you aren’t comfortable with this lifestyle of swinging and clubs.) Just like a straight person who willingly married a blonde with small boobs who really gets off on brunettes with huge milkers, this isn’t an excuse for him to be allowed run off with brunettes. He needs to figure it out, like yesterday.

This would be my hypothesis.

The op has been back, so she is real. Also weighing in favor of her authenticity: she’s keeping dh’s kink or fetish private, which most married people would do.

Good for you, op! its your right.

I disagree with those saying the DH ‘s kink or fetish is bi or gay. That’s a dealbreaker for almost all married women. I think it’s something much more common.

We are from Europe, and there, it is common or even popular to go to a beach which is topless, or even nude/ “clothing optional.” Many find this very attractive and exciting. I guess one of the fetishes associated with doing this is called exhibitionism. Maybe he wants to be nude in front of strangers; maybe it’s seeing his wife being naked in front of other men. Who knows?

The part about op s man going to a club, in front of other people, suggests this an element of his repressed desire.

[Anonymous]

People are dancing around the word. Is DH potentially a c*ckold?