Can swinging save sexless marriages or does it just delay the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

PP. Yes, many events and some clubs have stringent expectations about recent testing and/or condom use. But yes, there are quite a few where this isn’t necessary and TBH protection is neither as uniform nor as widespread as I personally would think wise.

And to the poster who seemed to doubt about the existence of lifestyle clubs - these are a real thing and they’re hardly a secret. Plenty of them can be found in Google Maps searches. They don’t want to be shamed or hidden, they just want to be selective for people who want to use their services, not just those with prurient interest in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

Ignoramus. Some STDs can be spread in ways other than penetrative sex. And for penetrative sex, condoms are never a guarantee against STDs, just like they're never a guarantee against pregnancy. Google it. Now you know.

Oh no, it's STD lady. Don't bother arguing with her, you can't win. She only has monogamous sex with one virgin man her whole life on clean cotton sheets. The rest of us are just running around spreading diseases no matter what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

PP. Yes, many events and some clubs have stringent expectations about recent testing and/or condom use. But yes, there are quite a few where this isn’t necessary and TBH protection is neither as uniform nor as widespread as I personally would think wise.

And to the poster who seemed to doubt about the existence of lifestyle clubs - these are a real thing and they’re hardly a secret. Plenty of them can be found in Google Maps searches. They don’t want to be shamed or hidden, they just want to be selective for people who want to use their services, not just those with prurient interest in them.

This area is practically the capital of the country for swinging and BDSM clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The post reads rather like it's a veiled ad for "the lifestyle" and almost as if OP will be back to drop hints on how to find these sex clubs. But whatever. Let's pretend it's all for real.

If so: OP, while you're getting plenty of validation on here that, yay, it's working, you're closer, marriage is better etc., do what works for you without judgment-- That's fine. No judgment if you're cool with how thiings are. I assume you're getting sex you want, with men other than your DH, at this place.

But bear this in mind: If he had one kink he was SO ashamed of, he could never bear even to hint at it to his own wife until, magically, one visit to a club unleashes his kink and sets him free to talk about it....He may eventually admit he has other kinks that still aren't quite satisfied with the current level of "lots of sex with wife plus sex at the club." He may want to have more sex with more people at the club, or find a different group more focused on his particular fetish or kink, or experiment with things you haven't realized he wants, and which might or might not work for you--whether he's doing those things with you, or with other partners.

I'm saying: Don't assume that this happy status quo of sex at home plus whatever is up at this one club, will be the way things continue. And you eventually might have to ask yourself if you're continuing to be OK with it, if he escalates to more and different things with more and more people. Of course, you could be the one pursuing more sex outside the marriage, rather than him. Either way, if things accelerate, you may find the problem has shifted from "sexless marriage" to "marriage so 'open' I'm not sure who my spouse is having sex with any more, and I'm not sure what he's feeling or thinking when he's having sex with me." I say that without judgement for your current setup, I truly do; I just hope you realize that when you open Pandora's box, you don't get to shut the lid again, and you can't always control what happens next.

OP here, and this is why I posted. Not the part about him wanting more and more things with more and people, but just a general awareness that I have no idea where this goes, if it goes further, how that might feel to both of us. We are new to the whole thing and we have been pretty vanilla, married over 20 years, etc. This is unknown so I was asking for experiences.

Also, it wasn’t that he magically opened up after this visit. We spent months talking and talking with me trying to figure out why he wasn’t interested. Am I ugly? Am I fat? Just too much familiarity? Someone else? ED? He would always cite stress and tiredness and he would try harder. He finally acknowledged the issue, and we started trying lots of things. That led to talking more and then the strip club idea that led to the club (I’m not advertising. They aren’t secret; you can google them and see their rules.)
As I said, this might lead to bad things but I had already thought we were doomed if we couldn’t fix it.
We do use condoms but i know there is a risk of STDs. I’d rather get an STD than not have sex at all. We will continue for now; I was trying to get a glimpse into the possible future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

PP. Yes, many events and some clubs have stringent expectations about recent testing and/or condom use. But yes, there are quite a few where this isn’t necessary and TBH protection is neither as uniform nor as widespread as I personally would think wise.

And to the poster who seemed to doubt about the existence of lifestyle clubs - these are a real thing and they’re hardly a secret. Plenty of them can be found in Google Maps searches. They don’t want to be shamed or hidden, they just want to be selective for people who want to use their services, not just those with prurient interest in them.

This area is practically the capital of the country for swinging and BDSM clubs.

Hot.

[Anonymous]

The problem with sex clubs is that activity favors women. I'm reasonably attractive, in good shape, blah blah blah. But nobody is going to mistake me for Tom Brady or George Clooney, if those are what women perceive as the ultimate. Yet my wife, who most men would generally find attractive could find action without lifting a finger.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for keeping this loser off the market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
, they just want to be selective for people who want to use their services, not just those with prurient interest in them.

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Swinging is cheating. Not ok. Divorce.

For you. Obviously this isn't about you.

OP, sounds like you are in a good place!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

Ignoramus. Some STDs can be spread in ways other than penetrative sex. And for penetrative sex, condoms are never a guarantee against STDs, just like they're never a guarantee against pregnancy. Google it. Now you know.

Oh no, it's STD lady. Don't bother arguing with her, you can't win. She only has monogamous sex with one virgin man her whole life on clean cotton sheets. The rest of us are just running around spreading diseases no matter what we do.

I agree, STD lady is nuts, but the clean cotton sheets DO sounds good.

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines of OP’s post, the broader issues were:

- sexless marriage + not talking about it

How common is that here on DCUM ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with sex clubs is that activity favors women. I'm reasonably attractive, in good shape, blah blah blah. But nobody is going to mistake me for Tom Brady or George Clooney, if those are what women perceive as the ultimate. Yet my wife, who most men would generally find attractive could find action without lifting a finger.

How is that a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines of OP’s post, the broader issues were:

- sexless marriage + not talking about it

How common is that here on DCUM ?

OP here. You are right. We spent years just barely talking about it. I was afraid to probe. Afraid the answer might be something I couldn’t deal with and I didn’t want to divorce. And for a long time, this worked. We got along fine; we were in a partnership raising kids. Then we stopped getting along, and it became unbearable to me. I don’t believe that he really understood why until all these talks. He was feeling lack of desire for me but didn't really understand the reason why.
I am sharing our experience because I’m sure it’s a common problem on DCUM and elsewhere. I would urge other people to be braver than we were about this very difficult topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure it would delaying divorce, it would speed it up for me and I might use the suggestion in court to get a better deal

[Anonymous]

Whatever floats your boat but it wouldn't fix your problems or repair your marriage, only add a different set of problems.