Can swinging save sexless marriages or does it just delay the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Swinging is cheating. Not ok. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure that my knee jerk instinct is that it just delays the divorce (However, I don’t know of any couples doing it, so who knows?).

But. After years of trying and failing to have sex with my husband I told him that it was a dealbreaker and I suggested opening the marriage. He said no but he finally acknowledged that we had a real problem.

Almost on a whim, he suggested we go to a strip club. It’s not really my thing, but this was huge for him to be try to address The Problem and I agreed. While looking for one, we stumbled upon a lifestyle club website and went there instead.

We had a great time and afterward he finally shared that he had some kinks that caused him shame. The issue all those years was him not feeling attracted without it. The kink itself is pretty common but he grew up in a household where everything that felt good was bad.

We’ve been back a couple more times over the last year. Marriage is the best it’s ever been in 20+ years. We’re having lots of sex, always by ourselves except at the club. We are no longer constantly bickering over stupid stuff. He’s been so much better with the housework, everything. It feels like a honeymoon. If we are heading down the path to divorce, it’s a lovely, scenic path. I don’t think we were going to make it without a huge change anyway.

I know DCUM tends to be pretty conservative about these things, but curious if anyone has experience or advice?

I call BS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty sure that my knee jerk instinct is that it just delays the divorce (However, I don’t know of any couples doing it, so who knows?).

But. After years of trying and failing to have sex with my husband I told him that it was a dealbreaker and I suggested opening the marriage. He said no but he finally acknowledged that we had a real problem.

Almost on a whim, he suggested we go to a strip club. It’s not really my thing, but this was huge for him to be try to address The Problem and I agreed. While looking for one, we stumbled upon a lifestyle club website and went there instead.

We had a great time and afterward he finally shared that he had some kinks that caused him shame. The issue all those years was him not feeling attracted without it. The kink itself is pretty common but he grew up in a household where everything that felt good was bad.

We’ve been back a couple more times over the last year. Marriage is the best it’s ever been in 20+ years. We’re having lots of sex, always by ourselves except at the club. We are no longer constantly bickering over stupid stuff. He’s been so much better with the housework, everything. It feels like a honeymoon. If we are heading down the path to divorce, it’s a lovely, scenic path. I don’t think we were going to make it without a huge change anyway.

I know DCUM tends to be pretty conservative about these things, but curious if anyone has experience or advice?

Curious, what kind of kink are we talking about here?

It sounds like maybe he likes butt stuff!

Unlike OPs husband, I have no shame!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would speed up my divorce, not delay it

This!

[Anonymous]

My husband and I opened the marriage- it’s been 2 years, I don’t think we will divorce any time soon. We don’t advertise it and nobody would suspect.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t realize that I enjoyed elements of BDSM until after my divorce when I began dating again. It did not lead to my divorce but I am less hesitant to voice my needs now. And it has been great.

[Anonymous]

Sounds awesome, tbh. Have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Swinging is cheating. Not ok. Divorce.

Lol. Grow up, you stupid Puritan.

[Anonymous]

Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

[Anonymous]

The post reads rather like it's a veiled ad for "the lifestyle" and almost as if OP will be back to drop hints on how to find these sex clubs. But whatever. Let's pretend it's all for real.

If so: OP, while you're getting plenty of validation on here that, yay, it's working, you're closer, marriage is better etc., do what works for you without judgment-- That's fine. No judgment if you're cool with how thiings are. I assume you're getting sex you want, with men other than your DH, at this place.

But bear this in mind: If he had one kink he was SO ashamed of, he could never bear even to hint at it to his own wife until, magically, one visit to a club unleashes his kink and sets him free to talk about it....He may eventually admit he has other kinks that still aren't quite satisfied with the current level of "lots of sex with wife plus sex at the club." He may want to have more sex with more people at the club, or find a different group more focused on his particular fetish or kink, or experiment with things you haven't realized he wants, and which might or might not work for you--whether he's doing those things with you, or with other partners.

I'm saying: Don't assume that this happy status quo of sex at home plus whatever is up at this one club, will be the way things continue. And you eventually might have to ask yourself if you're continuing to be OK with it, if he escalates to more and different things with more and more people. Of course, you could be the one pursuing more sex outside the marriage, rather than him. Either way, if things accelerate, you may find the problem has shifted from "sexless marriage" to "marriage so 'open' I'm not sure who my spouse is having sex with any more, and I'm not sure what he's feeling or thinking when he's having sex with me." I say that without judgement for your current setup, I truly do; I just hope you realize that when you open Pandora's box, you don't get to shut the lid again, and you can't always control what happens next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I opened the marriage- it’s been 2 years, I don’t think we will divorce any time soon. We don’t advertise it and nobody would suspect.

How do you find other people if no one suspects?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The post reads rather like it's a veiled ad for "the lifestyle" and almost as if OP will be back to drop hints on how to find these sex clubs. But whatever. Let's pretend it's all for real.

If so: OP, while you're getting plenty of validation on here that, yay, it's working, you're closer, marriage is better etc., do what works for you without judgment-- That's fine. No judgment if you're cool with how thiings are. I assume you're getting sex you want, with men other than your DH, at this place.

But bear this in mind: If he had one kink he was SO ashamed of, he could never bear even to hint at it to his own wife until, magically, one visit to a club unleashes his kink and sets him free to talk about it....He may eventually admit he has other kinks that still aren't quite satisfied with the current level of "lots of sex with wife plus sex at the club." He may want to have more sex with more people at the club, or find a different group more focused on his particular fetish or kink, or experiment with things you haven't realized he wants, and which might or might not work for you--whether he's doing those things with you, or with other partners.

I'm saying: Don't assume that this happy status quo of sex at home plus whatever is up at this one club, will be the way things continue. And you eventually might have to ask yourself if you're continuing to be OK with it, if he escalates to more and different things with more and more people. Of course, you could be the one pursuing more sex outside the marriage, rather than him. Either way, if things accelerate, you may find the problem has shifted from "sexless marriage" to "marriage so 'open' I'm not sure who my spouse is having sex with any more, and I'm not sure what he's feeling or thinking when he's having sex with me." I say that without judgement for your current setup, I truly do; I just hope you realize that when you open Pandora's box, you don't get to shut the lid again, and you can't always control what happens next.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds great! You’ve managed to bring yourselves closer and find more sexual fulfillment together, not separately. I’ve known plenty of couples who seem to do as well or better in the lifestyle than they were before. Just make sure you always have complete open communication.

Wondering genuinely whether clubs like this require testing and people have to make test results available to each other. DCUM has a fair share of "Go away, don't mention STDs, no one cares" lurkers who hate this topic, but it does actually matter. I'm really not questioning or judging the existence of the clubs etc., but wondering how participants can feel they can relax enough, if they don't have some assurance about basic sexual health.

There is this thing called condom. Maybe you didn't know about it. Google it. Now you know.

Ignoramus. Some STDs can be spread in ways other than penetrative sex. And for penetrative sex, condoms are never a guarantee against STDs, just like they're never a guarantee against pregnancy. Google it. Now you know.