AITA: What responsibility do I have to the memory of my deceased ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Not the A-hole.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re very entitled to boundaries and feel free to enforce them. But I keep reading that your son needs help with his grief and you’re telling him to go elsewhere. You’re his mom! It has nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with supporting your son. In the example you gave, why not just validate his feelings when he expresses them? Why negate him and dismiss him? That’s what I’d think about. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Box it all up and send to him. Be done with having to search out the items each year. He will have them with him.

[Anonymous]

So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

[Anonymous]

The thing that never changes is that you are his mom. Your son mourns his father. That you mourn the same person in a totally different way does not mean you should not be sensitive to your son's needs. But he is an adult, and it's OK for you to be honest with him about your feelings, while being sensitive to his.

Do with that thought what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Backstory: My ex-husband died of a heart attack seven years ago. At the time, we had been divorced for 2.5 years. We have four kids who are all grown now, with my oldest being 29. My ex was a liar, cheater, and emotionally abusive. However, he was a good father. I had enough perspective to separate the roles of husband and father, and I have respected his memory by keeping quiet about what he was as a husband. Since my kids were teens/young adults when he passed, I kept some of his belongings in my garage for them. He didn't have much when he died, so there was no estate per se.

The anniversary of his desk is coming up shortly, and my oldest sent a text this morning about a video camera my ex had used at my son's prom twelve years ago. He asked me if I had it. I told him I doubted it, but there was a chance it could be in the bin in the garage. He responded that the family should do better by keeping up with those types of things. I reminded him that I am the ex-wife and had no responsibility to do anything and that at 29, he is old enough to maintain his dad's belongings. He told me I was insensitive to his dad's memory and the man I had been with for over 20 years. I told him as the ex-wife, I was allowed to move on.

I told my son that he needs therapy to work through his grief and for perspective. I feel like I have been sensitive to their feelings by keeping my ex's stuff in the garage. My ex had not remarried, but he has a sister. I just don't view the annual grief as my role. I grieved the marriage and have moved on. AITA?

Jesus, that went off the rails in a way that seems totally unnecessary. Yes, he’s an adult, but he’s your son who still feels grief over the unexpected and premature loss of his father. The man you chose to have children with. Maybe you could soften your stance because you love your children and empathize with their loss? That is not the same as carrying feelings for your ex. Maybe you could have offered to look for the video camera, or gently offered the items to your son for safekeeping.

Don’t let your feelings towards your ex mess up your ability to be supportive and empathetic towards your children. What a sad outcome that would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is a jerk.

Disagree.
Son is expressing his thoughts about wanting “the family” to preserve dad’s memory and things better.
Mom has a right to not feel responsible to take part in that but her response to her son shouldnt be so “me-centered” that she forgets she is speaking about her child’s deceased father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are in the right but your response was insensitive and lacking a maternal tone.

“I will take a look but I don’t know if it’s around.”

Then later “I looked but it is not there. Would you like to take the belongings next time you are here. I would like to pass them along. Love, Mom.”

That is enough. All the mention of might be in the garbage, I’m the ex-wife etc… in my opinion is resentment that is seeping out and getting projected in the conversation with the son.

Where did she say "might be in the garbage?" I thought she said garage in a storage bin.

She didn’t say garbage. She said garage. Interesting exercise in people reading what they want into a post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you’re very entitled to boundaries and feel free to enforce them. But I keep reading that your son needs help with his grief and you’re telling him to go elsewhere. You’re his mom! It has nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with supporting your son. In the example you gave, why not just validate his feelings when he expresses them? Why negate him and dismiss him? That’s what I’d think about. Good luck!

Why can’t the adult son call his adult siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you’re very entitled to boundaries and feel free to enforce them. But I keep reading that your son needs help with his grief and you’re telling him to go elsewhere. You’re his mom! It has nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with supporting your son. In the example you gave, why not just validate his feelings when he expresses them? Why negate him and dismiss him? That’s what I’d think about. Good luck!

Why can’t the adult son call his adult siblings?

He likely does. And he’s also texting his mom about a specific thing on a meaningful day and asking for help and support. And the response was to bug off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

Ok, none. OP no longer has any obligation to her children to serve as the sounding board for grief over their dad’s loss. They are adults who have each other and they have their dad’s family. Part of being an adult is realizing your parents are not your best source of support in all things. Part of being an adult is recognizing your limitations and acting accordingly.