AITA: What responsibility do I have to the memory of my deceased ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

A person with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence would likely do lots of things differently than what we usually see on these boards. But we must also deal in the realm of reality. OP is who she is and she cares enough about her son to have posted here. And I believe she operated from that position. That someone else might have handled it differently and not upset her son is not really of any moment. A different son, with more emotional intelligence as well, might have handled it differently as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

Ok, none. OP no longer has any obligation to her children to serve as the sounding board for grief over their dad’s loss. They are adults who have each other and they have their dad’s family. Part of being an adult is realizing your parents are not your best source of support in all things. Part of being an adult is recognizing your limitations and acting accordingly.

Just like her son will have no “obligation” to help her when’s she’s elderly, but let’s hope he does! As has been said, OP is entitled to boundaries and does not need to do thinks that are emotionally too difficult for her. But should respond with empathy and compassion. It is a goal to work towards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong but it's still a parent child relationship so I'd leave the "but I'm the ex wife" out of it and just keep at the "I'm sorry, I don't have it and don't know where it is."

This. You don’t have a responsibility to your dead ex-husband, but you still have a responsibility toward your children. Your response was immature, and I agree with the prior posters that you are understandably still hurting from the divorce. It is kinder to your children to be careful how you describe the situation. The outcome can still be the same, which is that you don’t have the video recorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

Ok, none. OP no longer has any obligation to her children to serve as the sounding board for grief over their dad’s loss. They are adults who have each other and they have their dad’s family. Part of being an adult is realizing your parents are not your best source of support in all things. Part of being an adult is recognizing your limitations and acting accordingly.

Just like her son will have no “obligation” to help her when’s she’s elderly, but let’s hope he does! As has been said, OP is entitled to boundaries and does not need to do thinks that are emotionally too difficult for her. But should respond with empathy and compassion. It is a goal to work towards.

So you must respond to every single emotional issue of your child at all times or they won’t care for you in old age? Sounds pretty manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

Ok, none. OP no longer has any obligation to her children to serve as the sounding board for grief over their dad’s loss. They are adults who have each other and they have their dad’s family. Part of being an adult is realizing your parents are not your best source of support in all things. Part of being an adult is recognizing your limitations and acting accordingly.

Just like her son will have no “obligation” to help her when’s she’s elderly, but let’s hope he does! As has been said, OP is entitled to boundaries and does not need to do thinks that are emotionally too difficult for her. But should respond with empathy and compassion. It is a goal to work towards.

So you must respond to every single emotional issue of your child at all times or they won’t care for you in old age? Sounds pretty manipulative.

Neither has an obligation to the other at this point. A good parent-adult child will speak kindly to each other, even when creating boundaries. That's the missing part.

- NP

[Anonymous]

Wow, I would have gotten rid of his stuff pretty quick considering the kind of horrible H he was. A person who cheats does so on the entire family. They are risking and throwing the family under the bus for an outsider. I'm confused if he was an Ex H then why would you have anything of his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they know he lied and cheated?

Yes. My ex was a bold cheater. He had the younger kids around the woman he cheated with while we were going through the divorce. They were supposed to get married, but he cheated on her, and they split.

I would then simply tell them you don't want to talk about their dad anytime they bring him up.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to examine your own feelings to figure out what your boundaries are -- this seems like it came out as sort of passive-aggressive (although I don't think you're being an A here).

Is the stuff taking up space and inconveniencing you?
Does it upset you to go through his stuff because it reminds you of bad feelings?

If (a), I think in a calm moment say to kids -- kids, I really need the garage space where I've been keeping your stuff. Can you all make a plan to come by and go through the things to determine what you want to keep and what you'd like to donate or sell?
If (b), I think you need to say to kids -- Kids, I know you really miss your dad, and I'm so glad you have good memories of him. Unfortunately, I have a lot of bad memories connected to our relationship, and it really depresses me whenever I have to go through his stuff. I've been keeping it for you all these years because I love you and respect the relationship you had with him, but it would really help me if you could take it off my hands now. Or at least not ask me to go through ti for you, as that drags up a lot of bad feelings I'd like to leave in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your son was 22 when his dad died? That’s tough. I lost my dad 5 years ago in my early 40s and I am still dealing with it. You don’t need to be the keeper of your exs things but you need to be a better keeper of your sons feelings about losing his parent. Sorry your ex was bad to you but it seems like you are expecting your kids to be pissed at him like you are.

How long does OP need to be the “keeper” of her son’s feelings? When can an adult be expected to start to taking care of his own feelings without putting it on his mother?

She never has to, but someone with a stronger degree of emotional intelligence could have navigated that conversation without it becoming what it did. Extending empathy and listening to someone when they’re hurting (your son of all people) does not mean you are carrying their load - and when they say something that you disagree with, you can tactfully steer them to a solution that meets your needs too.

OP said she had grieved the marriage and moved on. If that’s the case she should have done a better job of being empathetic but personally detached. What she did was not empathetic, just detached.

And btw, her son asked about a video camera that might have tape of him - her son - from prom. That might be something she’d want to see too, no? It actually doesn’t have much to do with the ex except maybe he was the videographer. It’s not like he asked her about something that was specifically his dad’s, like a watch.

Well said. Not that the title of the post is completely focused on obligation to ex h when the real life question should be, what’s my obligation to my son?

Ok, none. OP no longer has any obligation to her children to serve as the sounding board for grief over their dad’s loss. They are adults who have each other and they have their dad’s family. Part of being an adult is realizing your parents are not your best source of support in all things. Part of being an adult is recognizing your limitations and acting accordingly.

Just like her son will have no “obligation” to help her when’s she’s elderly, but let’s hope he does! As has been said, OP is entitled to boundaries and does not need to do thinks that are emotionally too difficult for her. But should respond with empathy and compassion. It is a goal to work towards.

So you must respond to every single emotional issue of your child at all times or they won’t care for you in old age? Sounds pretty manipulative.

Amazing that that’s what you got from that post.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard but you do have a responsibility to behave as a mom, even though your son is 29. You don’t need to honor your ex’s memory but it doesn’t mean telling your son to go to therapy either.

[Anonymous]

Your son is grieving his dad. You’re his mother. It sounds like you aren’t close. You don’t have any obligation to grieve with him as he’s a grown man. In fact, you don’t even owe him friendship. At this stage of your life, the relationship you have with your adult son is between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn’t you say that you had a few boxes in the garage and will look for the camera?

This has been going on for 7 years. If the son is 29 now, he was 22 then. An adult. He could have taken all the boxes of his dad's belongings and go through them in the 7 years since. The OP said the prom happened when they were not together any more. It's not her job to go look for pictures or videos every year until she dies. Not wanting to go through her dead ex DHs boxes every year does not make the OP narcissist. Ridiculous. If the son wanted the photos and videos so badly, he had years to get them (including the years before death directly from dad).

Mom probably wasn't willing to hand them over. My mom has all sorts of stuff, including dishes from my dad's parents, she promised me over 20 years ago and she refuses to hand them over. OP loves drama and is the queen of mean.

No, I think that's you, dear.

[Anonymous]

When people stay stuff like “the family” should do better, he is saying you should do better.

This is an excellent time to invite him to take on the role of the person who can do better.

Invite him to get the items or offer to ship them. Before you ship them, you may want to check with the other kids.

I had a woman tell me I should do X in my volunteer role. I said I was at capacity for my volunteer hours and invited her to do the work. Guess what? She never took on the work. She just wanted to tell me what to do and add more to my plate.

I do this every single time with family and volunteer colleagues, and it is politely done and works wonders.

I also did this when I managed a Facebook group. Some people said I needed to do this or that, and I invited them to do that labor. None of them did anything.