AITA: What responsibility do I have to the memory of my deceased ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Backstory: My ex-husband died of a heart attack seven years ago. At the time, we had been divorced for 2.5 years. We have four kids who are all grown now, with my oldest being 29. My ex was a liar, cheater, and emotionally abusive. However, he was a good father. I had enough perspective to separate the roles of husband and father, and I have respected his memory by keeping quiet about what he was as a husband. Since my kids were teens/young adults when he passed, I kept some of his belongings in my garage for them. He didn't have much when he died, so there was no estate per se.

The anniversary of his desk is coming up shortly, and my oldest sent a text this morning about a video camera my ex had used at my son's prom twelve years ago. He asked me if I had it. I told him I doubted it, but there was a chance it could be in the bin in the garage. He responded that the family should do better by keeping up with those types of things. I reminded him that I am the ex-wife and had no responsibility to do anything and that at 29, he is old enough to maintain his dad's belongings. He told me I was insensitive to his dad's memory and the man I had been with for over 20 years. I told him as the ex-wife, I was allowed to move on.

I told my son that he needs therapy to work through his grief and for perspective. I feel like I have been sensitive to their feelings by keeping my ex's stuff in the garage. My ex had not remarried, but he has a sister. I just don't view the annual grief as my role. I grieved the marriage and have moved on. AITA?

[Anonymous]

You are not the A, but you can be more sensitive about how you discuss things.

“I understand this is difficult. Would it help you to be the one to store the rest of his belongings? I can bring them to you [or have them shipped to you].”

You can make the same suggestions or get to the same place without being like, “You’re 29 years old, blah blah.”

Be very clear, but be kind. There’s always a way to say it. If the conversation isn’t going well, end it by saying, “I’m here to support you with whatever decision you make; you can come get his things whenever.”

[Anonymous]

Your son is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Do they know he lied and cheated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they know he lied and cheated?

Yes. My ex was a bold cheater. He had the younger kids around the woman he cheated with while we were going through the divorce. They were supposed to get married, but he cheated on her, and they split.

[Anonymous]

Your son is a jerk and you can also phrase your responses more sensitively. That said, I think you should send your ex’s items to your son to maintain. It’s not your job anymore.

I also think it’s ok to sit down with him at some point to share why you divorced. He’s old enough to know the truth.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you personally have a responsibility. Now that they’re adults, I agree with PP who suggested you give them his belongings.
It sounds like it’s still emotional for you though - that your ex hurt you. It might be affecting your delivery- ie you might sound more harsh and cold than you intended.
Your son is 29. Does he understand what you went through? I think it’s okay to say that you respect that he was their father but that their father hurt you very much and your son needs to respect your choice to not honour his death the way your son wants to.
On your son’s side, probably a lot of mixed feelings about the divorce still.

Maybe a lesson in empathy so he doesn’t turn out like dad. Hopefully not too late.

[Anonymous]

Your answer was perfectly fine and I don’t think it was inensitive . Your kids are adults and don’t need to be babied with your replies.

It’s time to give the kids thier dad’s items, their “inheritance”. It’s not your job anymore.

[Anonymous]

It’s been seven years and tell your adult children to get some of their father’s stuff.
Tell them whatever is left is going to be donated.

[Anonymous]

It’s a difficult situation for everyone. Stand your ground, but focus on our own rights, and avoid criticizing your son. Tell him what you are doing to care for yourself, and let him decide how to handle his concerns. He can rent a storage unit. If he is willing to work with you, you can work with him on the transition of getting this stuff out of your life and into is.

[Anonymous]

Time to answer son, your Dad lied and cheated on me. He betrayed me. You are welcome to take all your dads memorabilia

[Anonymous]

Moms are too often guilted into protecting all of the family secrets for “ the good of the children”. That’s BS. Stop sacrificing your own well being

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms are too often guilted into protecting all of the family secrets for “ the good of the children”. That’s BS. Stop sacrificing your own well being

This is so true.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong but it's still a parent child relationship so I'd leave the "but I'm the ex wife" out of it and just keep at the "I'm sorry, I don't have it and don't know where it is."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong but it's still a parent child relationship so I'd leave the "but I'm the ex wife" out of it and just keep at the "I'm sorry, I don't have it and don't know where it is."

I thought she said that in response to her son saying they were family. I assumed that was her way of saying that she was not the deceased ex-husband's family.