AITA: What responsibility do I have to the memory of my deceased ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms are too often guilted into protecting all of the family secrets for “ the good of the children”. That’s BS. Stop sacrificing your own well being

This is so true.

A simple "I support your feelings but I went through a lot with your father and I hope you can have some understanding of mine."

[Anonymous]

You are Not TAH. I think you gave your almost 30 year old child good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is a jerk and you can also phrase your responses more sensitively. That said, I think you should send your ex’s items to your son to maintain. It’s not your job anymore.

I also think it’s ok to sit down with him at some point to share why you divorced. He’s old enough to know the truth.

I would not share truth with kids unless directly asked. It could lead them to become estranged from you.

[Anonymous]

You are wrong. Good way to harm your relationship.

[Anonymous]

You have no personal responsibility. Your kids are adults, it is on them to do whatever they feel is right. Tell the clueless one that he can store/look after his Dad's things.

[Anonymous]

Your son is outta” line. If he wants his dad’s stuff he can retrieve them.

You handled it properly BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong but it's still a parent child relationship so I'd leave the "but I'm the ex wife" out of it and just keep at the "I'm sorry, I don't have it and don't know where it is."

I thought she said that in response to her son saying they were family. I assumed that was her way of saying that she was not the deceased ex-husband's family.

NP. OP did a fine job and is not the ah. But since we’re looking backwards, another way to handle the family point, would to immediately remind the son of his role, not remind him of the divorce. So the family should do a better job keeping track of his belongings? Great, as the oldest child who is a full fledged adult, you will want to lead that effort, I’m sure. So you’ll pick up the stuff next time you’re here?

It’s the same as OP’s original message but said more positively and less scolding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms are too often guilted into protecting all of the family secrets for “ the good of the children”. That’s BS. Stop sacrificing your own well being

This is so true.

A simple "I support your feelings but I went through a lot with your father and I hope you can have some understanding of mine."

I think something like this is a good general response. I also think it’s time for the kids to take the stuff. It might be wise to let them all come together and take turns choosing, as you might be accused of favoring one kid if you let them take all their dad’s things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no personal responsibility. Your kids are adults, it is on them to do whatever they feel is right. Tell the clueless one that he can store/look after his Dad's things.

No personal responsibility? How about at least being a little sympathetic to your kids? You don’t have to go overboard but at least understand what they are dealing with. I get you were hurt and you grieved your relationship. This is them grieving their relationship with their father.

[Anonymous]

You handled it much better than I would have. I refused to close his estate, take any of his things, or go back to his home.
My child asks for some of his things, but I tell him to ask his father's family.

[Anonymous]

You are th e AH and I think you know that. Your response was ridiculous and you are doing the typical woman thing of taking out your bad feelings for your ex on your child. Instead of recognizing that he was speaking from a place of pain. I;m sure he knows his dad was a jerk, but that's the only dad he has, and navigating young adulthood loosing a parent especially when there's a complex dynamic is difficult plus this is the anniversary of his death.
You will never lose by operating from compassion and empathy. Speaking from love vs trying to project strength and moving on and being some badass who puts people in their place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are th e AH and I think you know that. Your response was ridiculous and you are doing the typical woman thing of taking out your bad feelings for your ex on your child. Instead of recognizing that he was speaking from a place of pain. I;m sure he knows his dad was a jerk, but that's the only dad he has, and navigating young adulthood loosing a parent especially when there's a complex dynamic is difficult plus this is the anniversary of his death.
You will never lose by operating from compassion and empathy. Speaking from love vs trying to project strength and moving on and being some badass who puts people in their place

When do nearly 30 year old men take responsibility for their feelings and not it on mommy?

[Anonymous]

To answer your question give his stuff to your kids let them pixk the things they want to save.

Don't trash talk him. Just don't. Save that for your own therapist.

Understand how difficult it is for them and despite what you deluded yourself into believing they know he wasn't a perfect man and he failed them in someway they have towork through all of that while having lost a parent at a young age. Those are very hard things, your empathy here will go a long way for your relationship with them into adulthood.
Don't lose your relationship with them trying to get back what you lost with their dad.

[Anonymous]

You’ve done more than enough. What you said is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are th e AH and I think you know that. Your response was ridiculous and you are doing the typical woman thing of taking out your bad feelings for your ex on your child. Instead of recognizing that he was speaking from a place of pain. I;m sure he knows his dad was a jerk, but that's the only dad he has, and navigating young adulthood loosing a parent especially when there's a complex dynamic is difficult plus this is the anniversary of his death.
You will never lose by operating from compassion and empathy. Speaking from love vs trying to project strength and moving on and being some badass who puts people in their place

Honestly, if she had bad feelings for the ex would she be holding on to his stuff for the kids? The son sounds a bit emotionally stunted.