AITA: What responsibility do I have to the memory of my deceased ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question give his stuff to your kids let them pixk the things they want to save.

Don't trash talk him. Just don't. Save that for your own therapist.

Understand how difficult it is for them and despite what you deluded yourself into believing they know he wasn't a perfect man and he failed them in someway they have towork through all of that while having lost a parent at a young age. Those are very hard things, your empathy here will go a long way for your relationship with them into adulthood.
Don't lose your relationship with them trying to get back what you lost with their dad.

When an adult tries to tell OP she has responsibility that she doesn’t have, it’s okay for her to push back. Really, it is. It will help this adult take more responsibility than he has been.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar complicated spot.

The canonization of my late XH is in full swing although his siblings were disturbed by his behavior and annoyed during his life.

I just bite my tongue. DH saw most of the post-divorce years and I have the court papers, plus a lot of texts from my late XH’s second wife.

[Anonymous]

I feel for the son. He's just trying to get a copy of his prom video then gets dumped on. OPs frst response was fine. I think son was fine say the "family " needs to take better care of the stuff. He wasn't even asking about his dad's personal effects but a camcorder, which happened to have belonged to the ex, with the FAMILY videos, like the sons prom. So I don't actually understand why OP would reply that she's not family because the son was asking about family videos. Maybe son's phrasing wasn't the best but this is where mom can gently offer for him to take dad's things and not rant about son needing therapy. This man, the ex, sounds like a dog but he no longer exists. Keeping a good relationship with the kids is much more important.

[Anonymous]

What you should’ve said: Yes, it’s unfortunate that the camera is gone. However there are still some great items of his that I’d like to pass to you. Do you want to come look through them?

Instead you ignored his feelings and told him he needed therapy.

YTA

[Anonymous]

Don't disparage the other parent. My husband's ex cheated on him and left for her AP. She's been horrible to him. She makes him out to be the bad one to justify her behavior but its ruined the kids. All are adults and none in really good healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for the son. He's just trying to get a copy of his prom video then gets dumped on. OPs frst response was fine. I think son was fine say the "family " needs to take better care of the stuff. He wasn't even asking about his dad's personal effects but a camcorder, which happened to have belonged to the ex, with the FAMILY videos, like the sons prom. So I don't actually understand why OP would reply that she's not family because the son was asking about family videos. Maybe son's phrasing wasn't the best but this is where mom can gently offer for him to take dad's things and not rant about son needing therapy. This man, the ex, sounds like a dog but he no longer exists. Keeping a good relationship with the kids is much more important.

Op here, for added context, we go through this every year around the anniversary where he wants me to pull out photos and send them to him via text. He wants me to go down memory lane with him, it feels somewhat manipulative, and I'm not interested. The camera was his dad’s camera. We were already separated at the time of his prom so its a camera/video I don't have but that my son has seen multiple times. He wants me to share in his grief. I respect his grief and memories by holding my peace but he wants me to grieve for his dad but I don't. That's why I recommended therapy. I am the wrong form of support and frankly tired of it this many years later. His aunt/that side of the family are the better support option if he wants to walk down memory lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for the son. He's just trying to get a copy of his prom video then gets dumped on. OPs frst response was fine. I think son was fine say the "family " needs to take better care of the stuff. He wasn't even asking about his dad's personal effects but a camcorder, which happened to have belonged to the ex, with the FAMILY videos, like the sons prom. So I don't actually understand why OP would reply that she's not family because the son was asking about family videos. Maybe son's phrasing wasn't the best but this is where mom can gently offer for him to take dad's things and not rant about son needing therapy. This man, the ex, sounds like a dog but he no longer exists. Keeping a good relationship with the kids is much more important.

Op here, for added context, we go through this every year around the anniversary where he wants me to pull out photos and send them to him via text. He wants me to go down memory lane with him, it feels somewhat manipulative, and I'm not interested. The camera was his dad’s camera. We were already separated at the time of his prom so its a camera/video I don't have but that my son has seen multiple times. He wants me to share in his grief. I respect his grief and memories by holding my peace but he wants me to grieve for his dad but I don't. That's why I recommended therapy. I am the wrong form of support and frankly tired of it this many years later. His aunt/that side of the family are the better support option if he wants to walk down memory lane.

Thanks, that does add additional context. From the OP, it seemed like he just wanted you to send him a video. It's more nuanced if he's trying to get you to share memories. If he wants photos, etc, next time I would physically mail them to him.

[Anonymous]

You were a bit of an AH. Your son is young to have lost a parent and he’s naturally more affected by grief than you do you have a responsibility to be less reactive and more understanding.

(Source: I have step siblings mourning their dad who was an absolutely awful stepparent and I manage to empathize with their grief and not bring up my gripes with their dad while also maintaining boundaries or faking a level of grief I don’t have.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were a bit of an AH. Your son is young to have lost a parent and he’s naturally more affected by grief than you do you have a responsibility to be less reactive and more understanding.

(Source: I have step siblings mourning their dad who was an absolutely awful stepparent and I manage to empathize with their grief and not bring up my gripes with their dad while also maintaining boundaries or faking a level of grief I don’t have.)

Don't your step-siblings owe it to you to find another shoulder to cry on? If they are aware you were treated poorly by the deceased, why come to you with their sorrow?

[Anonymous]

Your son should not have chastised you that “the family“ needs to take a better care of his stuff. But if he wasn’t really directing that comment just at you, but just kind of in general, then maybe ask him for ideas or ask him if he would like to come over and and go through everything, inventory it, and better organize it for storage in your garage. You can also let him and your other kids know that they are welcome to take anything now that they want.

At some point when you are all calm and he seems receptive, we may like to revisit this. Start out by saying all the positive things about how your ex was a good father and you know that he cared very much about his kids. Then you can say, “now that you are an adult“ and get into a little bit of the spouse dynamics and explain that you have already grieved the marriage and grieved your ex, and you are building another life for yourself. Your son thinks you and your ex are family because you are both his family, and you are connected by virtue of being his parents so maybe tread a little more lightly on that and take comfort in the fact that you aren’t doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

I would not hesitate to share what a crappy husband he was, OP. They deserve to know.

My husband of 20 years is difficult to live with, and has had episodes of rage and hyper controlling behavior. They stem from his ADHD and high-functioning autism. I've wondered whether divorce was the solution several times in our married life.

My children were aware of his problems from a young age, because he couldn't exactly hide them! They're teens now. I would never let myself be misunderstood or unfairly critiqued by a teen or young adult child: I would explain and defend myself.

[Anonymous]

^^sorry about typos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not hesitate to share what a crappy husband he was, OP. They deserve to know.

My husband of 20 years is difficult to live with, and has had episodes of rage and hyper controlling behavior. They stem from his ADHD and high-functioning autism. I've wondered whether divorce was the solution several times in our married life.

My children were aware of his problems from a young age, because he couldn't exactly hide them! They're teens now. I would never let myself be misunderstood or unfairly critiqued by a teen or young adult child: I would explain and defend myself.

Do you think your kids wonder why you put up with that? I was in shoes similar to yours and after I decided to split with my ex, my kids asked me why it took so long and said they used to really wish we would divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not hesitate to share what a crappy husband he was, OP. They deserve to know.

My husband of 20 years is difficult to live with, and has had episodes of rage and hyper controlling behavior. They stem from his ADHD and high-functioning autism. I've wondered whether divorce was the solution several times in our married life.

My children were aware of his problems from a young age, because he couldn't exactly hide them! They're teens now. I would never let myself be misunderstood or unfairly critiqued by a teen or young adult child: I would explain and defend myself.

Do you think your kids wonder why you put up with that? I was in shoes similar to yours and after I decided to split with my ex, my kids asked me why it took so long and said they used to really wish we would divorce.

Yes, we've had many conversations about it. I am in an unusual immigration situation and for most of these 20 years, could not divorce. This will change in the next few years (hopefully, if the Trump administration doesn't mess with USCIS, the immigration service). We'll see what happens.

The silver lining is that my children and I have a very close bond, and we can have open conversations about it. My main concern is how their father will impact their future relationships. They might find themselves tolerating overly bossy and controlling people, supervisors at work or romantic partners, just because they've seen this dynamic at home; or they will need to guard against being overly bossy and controlling themselves. I do not want them replicating either of their parents' roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were a bit of an AH. Your son is young to have lost a parent and he’s naturally more affected by grief than you do you have a responsibility to be less reactive and more understanding.

(Source: I have step siblings mourning their dad who was an absolutely awful stepparent and I manage to empathize with their grief and not bring up my gripes with their dad while also maintaining boundaries or faking a level of grief I don’t have.)

Don't your step-siblings owe it to you to find another shoulder to cry on? If they are aware you were treated poorly by the deceased, why come to you with their sorrow?

That would be nice but it’s not like they are doing it all the time (and nor is OP’s son.) also, I do feel like the person who is not torn up by grief has more of a responsibility to take the high road and be gracious than the person who is actively grieving (and 29 is very young for loss of a parent.)