AITA: What responsibility do I have to the memory of my deceased ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for the son. He's just trying to get a copy of his prom video then gets dumped on. OPs frst response was fine. I think son was fine say the "family " needs to take better care of the stuff. He wasn't even asking about his dad's personal effects but a camcorder, which happened to have belonged to the ex, with the FAMILY videos, like the sons prom. So I don't actually understand why OP would reply that she's not family because the son was asking about family videos. Maybe son's phrasing wasn't the best but this is where mom can gently offer for him to take dad's things and not rant about son needing therapy. This man, the ex, sounds like a dog but he no longer exists. Keeping a good relationship with the kids is much more important.

Op here, for added context, we go through this every year around the anniversary where he wants me to pull out photos and send them to him via text. He wants me to go down memory lane with him, it feels somewhat manipulative, and I'm not interested. The camera was his dad’s camera. We were already separated at the time of his prom so its a camera/video I don't have but that my son has seen multiple times. He wants me to share in his grief. I respect his grief and memories by holding my peace but he wants me to grieve for his dad but I don't. That's why I recommended therapy. I am the wrong form of support and frankly tired of it this many years later. His aunt/that side of the family are the better support option if he wants to walk down memory lane.

Are both of your parents still alive OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for the son. He's just trying to get a copy of his prom video then gets dumped on. OPs frst response was fine. I think son was fine say the "family " needs to take better care of the stuff. He wasn't even asking about his dad's personal effects but a camcorder, which happened to have belonged to the ex, with the FAMILY videos, like the sons prom. So I don't actually understand why OP would reply that she's not family because the son was asking about family videos. Maybe son's phrasing wasn't the best but this is where mom can gently offer for him to take dad's things and not rant about son needing therapy. This man, the ex, sounds like a dog but he no longer exists. Keeping a good relationship with the kids is much more important.

Op here, for added context, we go through this every year around the anniversary where he wants me to pull out photos and send them to him via text. He wants me to go down memory lane with him, it feels somewhat manipulative, and I'm not interested. The camera was his dad’s camera. We were already separated at the time of his prom so its a camera/video I don't have but that my son has seen multiple times. He wants me to share in his grief. I respect his grief and memories by holding my peace but he wants me to grieve for his dad but I don't. That's why I recommended therapy. I am the wrong form of support and frankly tired of it this many years later. His aunt/that side of the family are the better support option if he wants to walk down memory lane.

This isn't doing what you think it's doing and makes you seem worse

He doesn't want you to grieve his dad. He wants to know that you his mom don't regret everything from that relationship including him and his siblings. He can't get that from his aunts.
Also you don't just get over losing a parent that's a wound that lasts forever particularly when the loss occurs young you don't get to decide how long he grieves.
Also you are getting mad at him for not respecting your feelings and asking for unfair support but you are doing the same towards him and actually worse because you want him to pretend that your family didn't exist because of your feelings towards your ex.y out want to crap all over those years You aren't over it op. Your son may need therapy ( how you suggested this was cruel) but so do you.

[Anonymous]

You're NTAH. After 7 years, it really is not your responsibility. I don't think you need therapy, you've moved on and that's the whole point of therapy. I also feel that your adult child is manipulative. Who would want to go down memory lane every year for an ex DH? Pass on his things to your son and let him handle them, the photos and videos and everything else. Then he doesn't have a reason to call you every year. After such a long time you've done all you could, time to drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for the son. He's just trying to get a copy of his prom video then gets dumped on. OPs frst response was fine. I think son was fine say the "family " needs to take better care of the stuff. He wasn't even asking about his dad's personal effects but a camcorder, which happened to have belonged to the ex, with the FAMILY videos, like the sons prom. So I don't actually understand why OP would reply that she's not family because the son was asking about family videos. Maybe son's phrasing wasn't the best but this is where mom can gently offer for him to take dad's things and not rant about son needing therapy. This man, the ex, sounds like a dog but he no longer exists. Keeping a good relationship with the kids is much more important.

Op here, for added context, we go through this every year around the anniversary where he wants me to pull out photos and send them to him via text. He wants me to go down memory lane with him, it feels somewhat manipulative, and I'm not interested. The camera was his dad’s camera. We were already separated at the time of his prom so its a camera/video I don't have but that my son has seen multiple times. He wants me to share in his grief. I respect his grief and memories by holding my peace but he wants me to grieve for his dad but I don't. That's why I recommended therapy. I am the wrong form of support and frankly tired of it this many years later. His aunt/that side of the family are the better support option if he wants to walk down memory lane.

This isn't doing what you think it's doing and makes you seem worse

He doesn't want you to grieve his dad. He wants to know that you his mom don't regret everything from that relationship including him and his siblings. He can't get that from his aunts.
Also you don't just get over losing a parent that's a wound that lasts forever particularly when the loss occurs young you don't get to decide how long he grieves.
Also you are getting mad at him for not respecting your feelings and asking for unfair support but you are doing the same towards him and actually worse because you want him to pretend that your family didn't exist because of your feelings towards your ex.y out want to crap all over those years You aren't over it op. Your son may need therapy ( how you suggested this was cruel) but so do you.

Op here, I am not mad at him at all. I want him to find support outside of me and heal. Both of my parents are deceased, and I healed from it. I feel like women are damned if they do, damned if they don't. I took the high road and never spoke ill of his dad, but that was not an invitation to be the go-to indefinitely. It would hurt him more if I told him the truth, but he mistakes my silence for being on the same page as him when I am anything but.

Next time he is here, I will tell him to get his dad's things and convey where I stand more clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're NTAH. After 7 years, it really is not your responsibility. I don't think you need therapy, you've moved on and that's the whole point of therapy. I also feel that your adult child is manipulative. Who would want to go down memory lane every year for an ex DH? Pass on his things to your son and let him handle them, the photos and videos and everything else. Then he doesn't have a reason to call you every year. After such a long time you've done all you could, time to drop the rope.

Thank you for understanding.

[Anonymous]

Why couldn’t you say that you had a few boxes in the garage and will look for the camera?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn’t you say that you had a few boxes in the garage and will look for the camera?

No because op is a narcissist and perpetual victim just look at her responses on this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn’t you say that you had a few boxes in the garage and will look for the camera?

This has been going on for 7 years. If the son is 29 now, he was 22 then. An adult. He could have taken all the boxes of his dad's belongings and go through them in the 7 years since. The OP said the prom happened when they were not together any more. It's not her job to go look for pictures or videos every year until she dies. Not wanting to go through her dead ex DHs boxes every year does not make the OP narcissist. Ridiculous. If the son wanted the photos and videos so badly, he had years to get them (including the years before death directly from dad).

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry you're missing your dad, although I'm glad the two of you had such a good relationship. He really loved you kids. But he and I didn't have a happy marriage because of his cheating, and I'm not nostalgic about our relationship. I think this a job for your siblings-- did you try to make plans with them?"

[Anonymous]

You are in the right but your response was insensitive and lacking a maternal tone.

“I will take a look but I don’t know if it’s around.”

Then later “I looked but it is not there. Would you like to take the belongings next time you are here. I would like to pass them along. Love, Mom.”

That is enough. All the mention of might be in the garbage, I’m the ex-wife etc… in my opinion is resentment that is seeping out and getting projected in the conversation with the son.

[Anonymous]

To add, that being said I would have probably done the same. It’s so hard to float above the emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn’t you say that you had a few boxes in the garage and will look for the camera?

This has been going on for 7 years. If the son is 29 now, he was 22 then. An adult. He could have taken all the boxes of his dad's belongings and go through them in the 7 years since. The OP said the prom happened when they were not together any more. It's not her job to go look for pictures or videos every year until she dies. Not wanting to go through her dead ex DHs boxes every year does not make the OP narcissist. Ridiculous. If the son wanted the photos and videos so badly, he had years to get them (including the years before death directly from dad).

Mom probably wasn't willing to hand them over. My mom has all sorts of stuff, including dishes from my dad's parents, she promised me over 20 years ago and she refuses to hand them over. OP loves drama and is the queen of mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are th e AH and I think you know that. Your response was ridiculous and you are doing the typical woman thing of taking out your bad feelings for your ex on your child. Instead of recognizing that he was speaking from a place of pain. I;m sure he knows his dad was a jerk, but that's the only dad he has, and navigating young adulthood loosing a parent especially when there's a complex dynamic is difficult plus this is the anniversary of his death.
You will never lose by operating from compassion and empathy. Speaking from love vs trying to project strength and moving on and being some badass who puts people in their place

When do nearly 30 year old men take responsibility for their feelings and not it on mommy?

DP. She also didn’t handle her feelings if she lectured him and told him to get therapy, which is an overreaction. He sounds just like his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in the right but your response was insensitive and lacking a maternal tone.

“I will take a look but I don’t know if it’s around.”

Then later “I looked but it is not there. Would you like to take the belongings next time you are here. I would like to pass them along. Love, Mom.”

That is enough. All the mention of might be in the garbage, I’m the ex-wife etc… in my opinion is resentment that is seeping out and getting projected in the conversation with the son.[/quote]

Glad I'm not the only one who caught that. Op isn't as nice as she and her supporters want to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in the right but your response was insensitive and lacking a maternal tone.

“I will take a look but I don’t know if it’s around.”

Then later “I looked but it is not there. Would you like to take the belongings next time you are here. I would like to pass them along. Love, Mom.”

That is enough. All the mention of might be in the garbage, I’m the ex-wife etc… in my opinion is resentment that is seeping out and getting projected in the conversation with the son.

Where did she say "might be in the garbage?" I thought she said garage in a storage bin.