Marrying a man who works too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your personality. My husband works a lot and I like it. I love to have my space.

Same. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is lazy and we struggle with money. If he’s motivated by his job and is a good person, find a way to make it work. Look at the threads about the lazy men who aren’t breadwinners. Nobody wants that.

You realize there are options other than the two extremes, correct? It's not a choice between marrying a low-earning, lazy man or a high-earning, absent one. My husband makes great money (as do I), works around 40 hours a week, and does 50% of childcare, pet care, and house care. There are happy mediums.

Hmm. What jobs do you both have and what’s your house hold income? I wonder if we have the same definition of ‘great money.’

They make $600k together she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your personality. My husband works a lot and I like it. I love to have my space.

Same. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is lazy and we struggle with money. If he’s motivated by his job and is a good person, find a way to make it work. Look at the threads about the lazy men who aren’t breadwinners. Nobody wants that.

You realize there are options other than the two extremes, correct? It's not a choice between marrying a low-earning, lazy man or a high-earning, absent one. My husband makes great money (as do I), works around 40 hours a week, and does 50% of childcare, pet care, and house care. There are happy mediums.

Hmm. What jobs do you both have and what’s your house hold income? I wonder if we have the same definition of ‘great money.’

They make $600k together she said.

No, I’m asking the PP who wrote that her DH
‘ makes great money (as do I), works around 40 hours a week, and does 50% of childcare, pet care, and house care.’

[Anonymous]

You will need to hire a nanny and housekeeper. Otherwise there will be too much resentment. Keep your job but work part time. You will need to manage the home front. Make sure he’s on board and don’t sign any pre nups.

[Anonymous]

No reason to demonize the workaholic. Marrying a work workaholic is fine.

Some spouses like the independence, more time to themselves. But if you have to ask or are here to complain, it isn't a match.

[Anonymous]

Get things on the calendar - far in advance - and do them whether he backs-out or not. If they are events/trips important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find someone more wealthy/who doesn’t need to work as much? If he’s working as much as you say, it’s giving striver vibes and would give me the ick.

LOL I love posts like this. Guys poor, ick. Guys content, no ambition, ick. Guy works too hard to provide? ick.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for the delay.

He is senior vice president of a healthcare company. He makes around $400k/yr. I’m a sonographer and make around $150k/yr. I often work OT and can make up to $180k.

2-4 kids is what I say, but we are realistically looking at having 2 kids. We know we want kids and at least 2. We can always decide later on how much we can handle.

I see myself working PT to raise my kids. My boyfriend has talked about having kids and being an important role his their lives. He works hard now, with the hope to be able to attend all their important events, and be there daily. His dad also worked like crazy and was a very active father for them. He envisions this as his life.

His hours come with the job and the hefty pay. That’s just reality. Most people who see this much work a lot. I’ve let some old people get in my ear but won’t anymore. I love him and I think we will have a wonderful future together raising kids and being in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you're asking, you know the answer.

Sometimes people work a lot because they're avoiding their life outside of work. Uncomfortable with intimacy, don't actually want a wife and child, low social skills, don't know how to make friends, whatever. Eyes wide open.

Yep..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for the delay.

He is senior vice president of a healthcare company. He makes around $400k/yr. I’m a sonographer and make around $150k/yr. I often work OT and can make up to $180k.

2-4 kids is what I say, but we are realistically looking at having 2 kids. We know we want kids and at least 2. We can always decide later on how much we can handle.

I see myself working PT to raise my kids. My boyfriend has talked about having kids and being an important role his their lives. He works hard now, with the hope to be able to attend all their important events, and be there daily. His dad also worked like crazy and was a very active father for them. He envisions this as his life.

His hours come with the job and the hefty pay. That’s just reality. Most people who see this much work a lot. I’ve let some old people get in my ear but won’t anymore. I love him and I think we will have a wonderful future together raising kids and being in love.

Talk is cheap. When he tells you he will leave work to be somewhere at a specific time - does he do it? When he says he won't work on a Saturday or over vacation - does he stick to that? When he says it's important to him to spend time with you - does he make it happen every time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with boyfriend for the past two years. I’m very much in love with him but keep getting “ warned” that I’m making a mistake choosing a man who works too much. I work a lot but definitely have a better work/life balance. He makes time for life but he does work way more hours than I do. I know this may make future life challenging at times, but I love him and want to marry him. Am I being foolish? Should practicality come into play before love?

Sounds like you love his paycheck more than you love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with boyfriend for the past two years. I’m very much in love with him but keep getting “ warned” that I’m making a mistake choosing a man who works too much. I work a lot but definitely have a better work/life balance. He makes time for life but he does work way more hours than I do. I know this may make future life challenging at times, but I love him and want to marry him. Am I being foolish? Should practicality come into play before love?

Sounds like you love his paycheck more than you love him.

Touché

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Do you want kids?

If you want a life of equally shared parenting (that was my goal) then, roughly, you each can work a max of about 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. So I wouldn't marry him without some serious discussions about if/when/how he would step back when the kids came. And without some real solid answers, I'd be out.

If I didn't want kids I wouldn't care.

I’m 28 and we plan to have 2-4 kids.

His job won’t allow for him to work 40 hours a week.

You need to have a serious discussion about what will be involved in parenting and household maintenance and who is going to do what. If the "two of you" agree that you are going to SAHM, you need to discuss what kind of support you will get - nanny, housekeeping, time off for yourself, whether and when you will work at all, and I would have a very good pre-nup that makes it clear that if you ever divorce for any reason, you will get alimony (I would ask for 1 year of alimony for every year as SAHM, child support as a specified percentage of income, who pays for college, medical and activities, and who will have physical custody.

SAHMing is not a decision to take lightly and no one should simply trust their financial future to their partner.

These are hard convos to have and if your partner is unwilling or you get a vibe that you are being unreasonable or a gold-digger, the time to end things is now.

[Anonymous]

An SVP of sales is usually managing a large team. They are also traveling like crazy. Does he report to the CEO or is there a CRO layer in between?

There is a difference between working lots of hours and traveling all the time. What does his schedule really look like? Can he decide to basically stop work at 4pm and start up at 8pm? Is he willing to do this?

I would have some brass tacks talk about how flexible he can be. If he travels 15 biz days a month, can you live with a weekend only dad? Do you live in an area where $400k gets you a lot of help? We make $500-600k a year and outsource yard, lots of childcare for a disabled child and someone two days a week to help after school with cooking and shuffling one kid around (they one that isn’t disabled). It is a lot of work to manage these humans. And consider if you can live with just 1 kid if you realize that his schedule is untenable.

Also talk about what your vision is for these kids. For example, we never enrolled our kid in a single weekend activity until 7th grade when she was begging to do something. None of this crazy travel whatever stuff. Our weekends were for us. That really worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with boyfriend for the past two years. I’m very much in love with him but keep getting “ warned” that I’m making a mistake choosing a man who works too much. I work a lot but definitely have a better work/life balance. He makes time for life but he does work way more hours than I do. I know this may make future life challenging at times, but I love him and want to marry him. Am I being foolish? Should practicality come into play before love?

Sounds like you love his paycheck more than you love him.

Nope. I’ve said that I love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An SVP of sales is usually managing a large team. They are also traveling like crazy. Does he report to the CEO or is there a CRO layer in between?

There is a difference between working lots of hours and traveling all the time. What does his schedule really look like? Can he decide to basically stop work at 4pm and start up at 8pm? Is he willing to do this?

I would have some brass tacks talk about how flexible he can be. If he travels 15 biz days a month, can you live with a weekend only dad? Do you live in an area where $400k gets you a lot of help? We make $500-600k a year and outsource yard, lots of childcare for a disabled child and someone two days a week to help after school with cooking and shuffling one kid around (they one that isn’t disabled). It is a lot of work to manage these humans. And consider if you can live with just 1 kid if you realize that his schedule is untenable.

Also talk about what your vision is for these kids. For example, we never enrolled our kid in a single weekend activity until 7th grade when she was begging to do something. None of this crazy travel whatever stuff. Our weekends were for us. That really worked.

He travels 1-2 times a month. Maybe 1-2 weekly dinners. His average hours are 6/7am - 7/8pm. He will sometimes work after dinner and on the weekend.

He tells me ahead of time when he can’t do something. He hasn’t canceled often on plans unless something comes up last minute like a dinner.

We have been together for two years. I’m in love with him and can’t imagine not spending my life with him. I know it will be challenging married to a man who works a lot, but it’s better than marrying a man I don’t love.