Marrying a man who works too much

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with boyfriend for the past two years. I’m very much in love with him but keep getting “ warned” that I’m making a mistake choosing a man who works too much. I work a lot but definitely have a better work/life balance. He makes time for life but he does work way more hours than I do. I know this may make future life challenging at times, but I love him and want to marry him. Am I being foolish? Should practicality come into play before love?

[Anonymous]

Know what you are marrying. Don't expect him to change, want to change, or think he should change. He likes himself the way he is. Being true to himself is everything. You are/will be very secondary.

No right answer. You're on your own. Just you needing to ask, though is not a good sign. You are seeking some emotional support. It may be you need too much emotional support , for this to work.

[Anonymous]

Can you find someone more wealthy/who doesn’t need to work as much? If he’s working as much as you say, it’s giving striver vibes and would give me the ick.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? Do you want kids?

If you want a life of equally shared parenting (that was my goal) then, roughly, you each can work a max of about 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. So I wouldn't marry him without some serious discussions about if/when/how he would step back when the kids came. And without some real solid answers, I'd be out.

If I didn't want kids I wouldn't care.

[Anonymous]

If you marry and have kids are you intending to keep your job? Because if you become a SAHM your lives will be lived in completely different spheres - he will not do any help in house or with the kids - and maybe you are okay with that or maybe you will feel alone and ignored. Think ahead and plan ahead.

[Anonymous]

Does he choose work over you? I know someone who makes horrible financial decisions and then claims how he has to work to pay it all off.
Any day off from work, they run errands and who knows what just to look busy. They go out of their way to not be at home or with family.
Should have stayed single and play a busy bee alone.

[Anonymous]

What kind of works to much? Difference between a demanding career that is paid very well and someone who is really inefficient and just wants to seem important.

My BIL is a surgeon and works or is on a call a lot. Him and his wife have always seemed to be happily married. They got married when he was a resident so she knew what she was getting and was a stay at home mom once they had kids. I've never heard her complain about his hours but there's lots of stories about things he missed with their kids as they were growing up. I think she just generally assumed he would not be around and if he was that was great. I could not be in a marriage like that but it works for them. We're going to visit them this weekend for an event for one of their kids. He's on call all weekend so we'll see if we see him much.

[Anonymous]

I think if you're asking, you know the answer.

Sometimes people work a lot because they're avoiding their life outside of work. Uncomfortable with intimacy, don't actually want a wife and child, low social skills, don't know how to make friends, whatever. Eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

What is your vision of married life together? Will you have kids? Who will care for them? Who will be there when they are sick? Who will clean the house? Who will cook the daily meals? If it is too hard to do all the things, how will you adjust. Whose job will take precedence?

You don't have to answer any of these questions for DCUM. But you should talk about it with your BF.

[Anonymous]

Is his career actually impressive, or does he just need to work a lot of hours because he isn't efficient about getting it done during the day?

I would not have kids with a man who needs a lot of work time and views it as non-negotiable. That's just not how parenting is.

[Anonymous]

I think it's better than marrying someone who works too little. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

I married a workaholic. It was soul crushing and lonely. It ripped my self esteem to shreds because he’d rather spend time with work than me. He acts the same way with our kids and it breaks their heart, and they now act out. I personally would not recommend it. We eventually divorced for this reason.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why this would be an issue unless you make it one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Do you want kids?

If you want a life of equally shared parenting (that was my goal) then, roughly, you each can work a max of about 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. So I wouldn't marry him without some serious discussions about if/when/how he would step back when the kids came. And without some real solid answers, I'd be out.

If I didn't want kids I wouldn't care.

I’m 28 and we plan to have 2-4 kids.

His job won’t allow for him to work 40 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you marry and have kids are you intending to keep your job? Because if you become a SAHM your lives will be lived in completely different spheres - he will not do any help in house or with the kids - and maybe you are okay with that or maybe you will feel alone and ignored. Think ahead and plan ahead.

I will stay working, just likely at a smaller capacity.