Marrying a man who works too much

[Anonymous]

My husband works crazy hours. I’m an independent person and when he isn’t around I focus on my hobbies and friends and of course our kids. It isn’t a matter of it being a deal breaker - it just depends on your personality and the kind of relationship you two have. My spouse provides a very nice lifestyle and we have a fantastic partnership, but he might not be the best fit for another type of woman. Know who you are and what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you marry and have kids are you intending to keep your job? Because if you become a SAHM your lives will be lived in completely different spheres - he will not do any help in house or with the kids - and maybe you are okay with that or maybe you will feel alone and ignored. Think ahead and plan ahead.

I will stay working, just likely at a smaller capacity.

You aren’t having four kids while working and married to a workaholic. Get real now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many hours a week?

And how much money does he make?

60 hours a week making not very much working on the Hill = dealbreaker

60 hours a week making 350,000 or more = more acceptable

More than 60 hours a week and you want kids - he needs to be making at least 600k.

Most people don’t make anywhere close to $600k.

Sounds like together they do.

[Anonymous]

ASK HIM THE HARD QUESTIONS

It's fine coming on DCUM for advice, but do not "assume" how he feels and what he wants to do. If you can't ask him anything, you should not marry him.

Ask him if he always plans to work that hard. Ask him how he sees childcare being handled. Ask him if he'll work on vacations. Ask him if he thinks his job is more important than yours. Ask him if he expects you to make changes to accommodate his job. Ask him if he'd scale back or find a new job if needed. Ask him what his plans are for the money he makes at that job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes and married him. Zero regrets. He’s an amazing man.

Do you work? How many kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Do you want kids?

If you want a life of equally shared parenting (that was my goal) then, roughly, you each can work a max of about 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. So I wouldn't marry him without some serious discussions about if/when/how he would step back when the kids came. And without some real solid answers, I'd be out.

If I didn't want kids I wouldn't care.

I’m 28 and we plan to have 2-4 kids.

His job won’t allow for him to work 40 hours a week.

Um, four kids is a lot. I'm not sure if you actually understand how that works. Four kids can realistically be in four different activities at a time. Are you planning to stay at home with them? Are you able to hire additional help on top of that? Who is driving them places?

What is this "job"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you marry and have kids are you intending to keep your job? Because if you become a SAHM your lives will be lived in completely different spheres - he will not do any help in house or with the kids - and maybe you are okay with that or maybe you will feel alone and ignored. Think ahead and plan ahead.

I will stay working, just likely at a smaller capacity.

What does he earn? How does he see himself helping with the childcare? Working and taking care of four kids by yourself is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your vision of married life together? Will you have kids? Who will care for them? Who will be there when they are sick? Who will clean the house? Who will cook the daily meals? If it is too hard to do all the things, how will you adjust. Whose job will take precedence?

You don't have to answer any of these questions for DCUM. But you should talk about it with your BF.

My ideal vision is to have 2-4 kids ( most likely just 2) and work PT. Be present in raising my kids but hopefully afford to outsource cleaning and other household responsibilities except for cooking.

I want a husband who works hard but also has the time to be present in his children’s lives.

Does HE want to be present in his children's lives? Kids go to sleep pretty early, so he can't waltz in at 10 pm and except to have quality time with them then. Does he work weekends? Does he travel a lot?

And what about outsourcing childcare? You sound woefully uninformed about what raising children is actually like.

[Anonymous]

Most people who earn enough to provide a comfortable, easy life and top opportunities are going to work long hours. I would be fine with this and plan to hire to fill gaps. Just don’t expect it to change and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your vision of married life together? Will you have kids? Who will care for them? Who will be there when they are sick? Who will clean the house? Who will cook the daily meals? If it is too hard to do all the things, how will you adjust. Whose job will take precedence?

You don't have to answer any of these questions for DCUM. But you should talk about it with your BF.

My ideal vision is to have 2-4 kids ( most likely just 2) and work PT. Be present in raising my kids but hopefully afford to outsource cleaning and other household responsibilities except for cooking.

I want a husband who works hard but also has the time to be present in his children’s lives.

Sounds like he's not that guy.

This sounds super boring and lonely to me, but whatever.

You can't outsource everything. And it's work to manage outsourcing. If you want a nanny or household manager to be your partner in life, go for it.

I love him though. I can’t really imagine breaking up with him or not spending my life with him. I just have all these older women advising me what not to do because they are stuck in situations with high performing partners who work ridiculous amount of hours and rarely see their family.

Ok, and? Some people would be ok with that. I personally would not, but that doesn't make it right or wrong, just right or wrong for someone.

If you want a husband who is very involved in your family life and you want to have 4 kids (!) then this guy probably isn't the one. If you want someone to bankroll your life and you are entirely in charge of your kids, then this sounds like it would be a good setup for you. Again, neither one is right or wrong, it's just what you want. And what he is willing to give - so what does he say about all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your personality. My husband works a lot and I like it. I love to have my space.

Same. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is lazy and we struggle with money. If he’s motivated by his job and is a good person, find a way to make it work. Look at the threads about the lazy men who aren’t breadwinners. Nobody wants that.

You realize there are options other than the two extremes, correct? It's not a choice between marrying a low-earning, lazy man or a high-earning, absent one. My husband makes great money (as do I), works around 40 hours a week, and does 50% of childcare, pet care, and house care. There are happy mediums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he want children? If so, have you asked him who is going to stay home with a newborn? Drop-off and pick up kids from daycare/school? Give baths, put kids to bed? Help with homework? Drive to little league and gymnastics?

I think his answers to these questions will give you a sense of what kind of father he plans to be, although my guess is that he hasn't given these things a moment's thought and won't even after the kids are born.

I wouldn't marry a guy who intends to keep working those kinds of hours, but I wanted a full parenting partner.

How about drive to little league, gymnastics, basketball, and dance if you decide to have four kids. Granted, you don't have to let them all do activities, but even if they all play soccer, they'd be in different age groups that practice and play at different times (unless you end up with twins and even then they could be split by gender).

Does he expect that you will handle the logistics of everything and just tell him where to be and when? What if the kids are sick (and by the way, they get sick a lot) - who is going to pick them up from daycare or school? When we get a call from the school nurse it's a toss up as to which one of us will go get the kids, depending on who is doing what that day. Are you willing to be the one who always puts her job and life on the back burner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works crazy hours. I’m an independent person and when he isn’t around I focus on my hobbies and friends and of course our kids. It isn’t a matter of it being a deal breaker - it just depends on your personality and the kind of relationship you two have. My spouse provides a very nice lifestyle and we have a fantastic partnership, but he might not be the best fit for another type of woman. Know who you are and what you want.

This, OP. Either the above sounds appealing to you or it doesn't. It's not appealing to me, so it's not the life I have. But if you read that and thought it sounded great, then go for it.

What you shouldn't do is go in thinking things will be something other than what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Do you want kids?

If you want a life of equally shared parenting (that was my goal) then, roughly, you each can work a max of about 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. So I wouldn't marry him without some serious discussions about if/when/how he would step back when the kids came. And without some real solid answers, I'd be out.

If I didn't want kids I wouldn't care.

I’m 28 and we plan to have 2-4 kids.

His job won’t allow for him to work 40 hours a week.

Um, four kids is a lot. I'm not sure if you actually understand how that works. Four kids can realistically be in four different activities at a time. Are you planning to stay at home with them? Are you able to hire additional help on top of that? Who is driving them places?

What is this "job"?

She is a sonographer who wants to at least work part time. Four kids isn’t happening that scenario without a lot of paid help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your personality. My husband works a lot and I like it. I love to have my space.

Same. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is lazy and we struggle with money. If he’s motivated by his job and is a good person, find a way to make it work. Look at the threads about the lazy men who aren’t breadwinners. Nobody wants that.

You realize there are options other than the two extremes, correct? It's not a choice between marrying a low-earning, lazy man or a high-earning, absent one. My husband makes great money (as do I), works around 40 hours a week, and does 50% of childcare, pet care, and house care. There are happy mediums.

Hmm. What jobs do you both have and what’s your house hold income? I wonder if we have the same definition of ‘great money.’