Marrying a man who works too much

[Anonymous]

Life is too short to work that much regardless of how much money you make. Find someone who shares your values regarding time and family. Otherwise you'll be sorry like those women who are advising you to break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with boyfriend for the past two years. I’m very much in love with him but keep getting “ warned” that I’m making a mistake choosing a man who works too much. I work a lot but definitely have a better work/life balance. He makes time for life but he does work way more hours than I do. I know this may make future life challenging at times, but I love him and want to marry him. Am I being foolish? Should practicality come into play before love?

Why is he working so many hours?

Is he slow?
Toxic industry or work environment?
Paying his dues for a bit?
Competing for a promotion?
Work addict?
Is this a start up?
Perfectionist or people pleaser?
Wants to avoid things in his personal life?

Ask around to your friends in the same industry and you’ll have your answer. Also ask him what his long term plan is?

[Anonymous]

Values question.

Ask him his values.

Working hard is not work addict.

[Anonymous]

I married a hard worker, who became a workaholic once kids shows up, and the. Became a work addict who doesn’t know his kids, me or what’s going on in our lives.

At least he makes some money, but same as me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your vision of married life together? Will you have kids? Who will care for them? Who will be there when they are sick? Who will clean the house? Who will cook the daily meals? If it is too hard to do all the things, how will you adjust. Whose job will take precedence?

You don't have to answer any of these questions for DCUM. But you should talk about it with your BF.

My ideal vision is to have 2-4 kids ( most likely just 2) and work PT. Be present in raising my kids but hopefully afford to outsource cleaning and other household responsibilities except for cooking.

I want a husband who works hard but also has the time to be present in his children’s lives.

Sounds like he's not that guy.

This sounds super boring and lonely to me, but whatever.

You can't outsource everything. And it's work to manage outsourcing. If you want a nanny or household manager to be your partner in life, go for it.

I love him though. I can’t really imagine breaking up with him or not spending my life with him. I just have all these older women advising me what not to do because they are stuck in situations with high performing partners who work ridiculous amount of hours and rarely see their family.

Then what are you asking of us?

[Anonymous]

Yes you are being foolish.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes and married him. Zero regrets. He’s an amazing man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your personality. My husband works a lot and I like it. I love to have my space.

Same. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is lazy and we struggle with money. If he’s motivated by his job and is a good person, find a way to make it work. Look at the threads about the lazy men who aren’t breadwinners. Nobody wants that.

[Anonymous]

This has been my married life for 31 years. It mostly works for us, although it was hard for me when my DCs were very young. You have to decide if it works for you and how much you might be willing, once you have DCs, to compromise when it comes to your own career and the division of labor in your household.

[Anonymous]

No way unless you can tolerate being alone in a marriage and doing things on your own.

[Anonymous]

Negotiate dinner with the kids. He can work a zillion hours a week, but can he make four dinners with the kids a week? That plus a full weekend day would be my minimum.

You will need paid help and you need to budget for it in advance. You would need a night nurse to help during the fuse three months of newborn phase and babysitting for older dc during the second pregnancy. Cleaning until the youngest is in kindergarten, at least. To be clear, I think your kids need more, but if you two prioritize paid help when budget planning, you can make his family time count.

You will need to be extremely organized and resourceful, taking on 100% of the household mental load. This includes car maintenance, house maintenance, packing for a move, yard work, family doctors appointments, sick kids, Christmas presents, vacation details, taxes, bills, grocery shopping, and the family social calendar. This will enable him to do three things: work, sleep, and spend time with his family.

[Anonymous]

Babysitting for older DC during the second newborn phase. Sorry. I misspoke.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you talked to him about what he plans to do? What he envisions his future looking like? It doesn't sound like it. Growing up, I never had a clue how many hours my dad worked. He was home for family dinners every night. He coached my brother's baseball team until high school and then volunteered for the league. We had a summer home on the beach and he carved out time every day to play with us in the water. He went on vacations with us as a family and was totally engaged. I saw him go on dates with my mom and dance with her sing to her (terribly) in the kitchen. I had no idea he worked when we went to bed. Or he worked early in the mornings. It only became clear to me when I was an older teen and started putting two and two together when I realized our financial situation and knew that he must have worked his butt off to get where he was but I just never realized it.

So you need to talk with him and ask him what HE sees his future being. Is he going to step down at work? Ramp up? Figure out how to balance it? Then you need to ask yourself what you envision. All your answers center around yourself. Nowhere did you answer how you envisioned your husband and father of your children to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Does he want children? If so, have you asked him who is going to stay home with a newborn? Drop-off and pick up kids from daycare/school? Give baths, put kids to bed? Help with homework? Drive to little league and gymnastics?

I think his answers to these questions will give you a sense of what kind of father he plans to be, although my guess is that he hasn't given these things a moment's thought and won't even after the kids are born.

I wouldn't marry a guy who intends to keep working those kinds of hours, but I wanted a full parenting partner.

[Anonymous]

The first important question is why?

Why does he work so much? What’s his why? Is he working a lot to create financial stability for him and his future family? Is he working a lot to indulge himself with money to spend and suite his ego?

If he works a lot, and expect to provide for you taking care of you, to make your life better. Than I’m all for it.

I married my DH when he was a neurosurgical resident. He worked over 100 hours per week . I was doing residency as well and was the sole provider of our kid plus taking care of all household chores. It was very tough for several years ( about eight to nine years to be more accurate) . It was very hard and we almost divorce.