Husband is furious at me for telling his mother to stop talking down to me at dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I do not believe taking a quick glance at your phone during a major holiday while having dinner in your in laws kitchen merits the pointed dressing down my mother in law gave me. It is incredibly rude and disrespectful. A normal person would have ignored it especially as I was NOT sitting there with my face in my phone the entire time. As she was focusing on berating her husband for being unable to cut his meat, I took a look at my family group chat. That was all.

I felt embarrassed at how she talked down to me. I could tell she was in a mood and wanted to pick on me. She has a habit of routinely picking on her kids or me when she is in a mood. I do not like to be disrespected and told her so, calmly and politely. She decided to escalate, compounded by my husband.

I do not appreciate that both she and my husband are intend on bullying me for "upsetting" her when she started it to begin with! I do not appreciate my husband making ME the problem instead of telling his mom to back off!

Ah, but OP, in your original post, you said FIL was being berated for having trouble cutting his broccoli, not his meat.

It’s hard to keep the details straight when they are…fanciful…right??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I do not believe taking a quick glance at your phone during a major holiday while having dinner in your in laws kitchen merits the pointed dressing down my mother in law gave me. It is incredibly rude and disrespectful. A normal person would have ignored it especially as I was NOT sitting there with my face in my phone the entire time. As she was focusing on berating her husband for being unable to cut his meat, I took a look at my family group chat. That was all.

I felt embarrassed at how she talked down to me. I could tell she was in a mood and wanted to pick on me. She has a habit of routinely picking on her kids or me when she is in a mood. I do not like to be disrespected and told her so, calmly and politely. She decided to escalate, compounded by my husband.

I do not appreciate that both she and my husband are intend on bullying me for "upsetting" her when she started it to begin with! I do not appreciate my husband making ME the problem instead of telling his mom to back off!

Bringing your phone to the table at all is rude.

Ruder than my MIL and husband's horrible treatment of me? My husband watched his mother give me a dressing down. And when I told her to stop he decided to blame ME for abandon me on NYE.

[Anonymous]

None of it was a huge issue, except for your husband leaving you on NYE. Wow, that is awful. Just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I do not believe taking a quick glance at your phone during a major holiday while having dinner in your in laws kitchen merits the pointed dressing down my mother in law gave me. It is incredibly rude and disrespectful. A normal person would have ignored it especially as I was NOT sitting there with my face in my phone the entire time. As she was focusing on berating her husband for being unable to cut his meat, I took a look at my family group chat. That was all.

I felt embarrassed at how she talked down to me. I could tell she was in a mood and wanted to pick on me. She has a habit of routinely picking on her kids or me when she is in a mood. I do not like to be disrespected and told her so, calmly and politely. She decided to escalate, compounded by my husband.

I do not appreciate that both she and my husband are intend on bullying me for "upsetting" her when she started it to begin with! I do not appreciate my husband making ME the problem instead of telling his mom to back off!

Bringing your phone to the table at all is rude.

Ruder than my MIL and husband's horrible treatment of me? My husband watched his mother give me a dressing down. And when I told her to stop he decided to blame ME for abandon me on NYE.

Why are you spending energy griping about this lose-lose situation?
Why aren't you asking yourself how you got here, the genesis of your poor judgement, how you can change that and what you want your life to look like in 10 years?
This post reminds me of that Valentine thread where the woman insisted on staying with a guy and flying him out despite the obvious signs that he wasn't on the same page. She kept fixating on the details and looking for feedback when the larger picture was quite obvious and everyone was telling her so.

[Anonymous]

OP, you shouldn't be checking your phone while eating with others. It's rude.

I would also assume your MIL is on edge being a caretaker.

Just stay off the phone at least while you eat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to check your phone at the table. You should have ignored her instead of responding. Did you really think any good would have come out of responding? And couldn’t you see the impact responding would cause?

And you’ve got to give her a break given your FIL’s condition. She’s got to be sad and scared.

This.
AND - If you are Asian, I have noticed a lot of Asians spend WAY too much time staring at their device. Even when walking down the street. I've watched whole families sit at restaurants staring at their phones and not talking thru the meal.
I speak as an Asian immigrant.

And yes, it is rude to check your phone at the table unless we are talking about an emergency.

oh please. I see all kinds of families staring at their phones in restaurants. I saw a white dad with his 2 little kids who just looked at his phone the entire time, while the kids just sat there. They had no phones. Or when I was at the park with my kids, and a white dad was on his phone the entire time, and I found his little kid by the car on the street wanting to go home.

Unfortunately, it's kind of understood that men aren't into minding their small children.
The silent family at the restaurant staring at their phones and eating did not have small children.

[Anonymous]

Focusing back on the original topic, OP’s MIL and H are both bullies who pushed the nuclear button over an issue that could have been easily resolved, on NYE no less. It’s always interesting how people respond when you try to set boundaries. If their answer is to blow the entire thing up then you know they are never going to respect your boundaries. OP this may be the case for both your H and your mother-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how you wrote this with lots of extraneous details to try to make yourself look good and garner sympathy.

I can distill it down for everyone TLDR - DIL attends a holiday dinner at MIL’s house and tackily brings phone to the table and proceeds to check it. Then proceeds to get offended that MIL is offended.

You are sooo the problem.

Yeah, did you catch the part about how MIL “snapped” at sick FIL about the broccoli thing? Bad MIL, saintly OP - Lol!

OP here. I know you want to bully me but MIL is always yelling and snapping at FIL as his rapid decline scares and frustrates her.

Ok then plan your divorce instead of whining and complaining about your DH and MIL. People like you who whine and do nothing to change their situation are so annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focusing back on the original topic, OP’s MIL and H are both bullies who pushed the nuclear button over an issue that could have been easily resolved, on NYE no less. It’s always interesting how people respond when you try to set boundaries. If their answer is to blow the entire thing up then you know they are never going to respect your boundaries. OP this may be the case for both your H and your mother-in-law.

It's clear her husband and MIL don't like her. It may be justifiable, OP seems pretty annoying. But they should be planning their divorce instead of acting like immature idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I do not believe taking a quick glance at your phone during a major holiday while having dinner in your in laws kitchen merits the pointed dressing down my mother in law gave me. It is incredibly rude and disrespectful. A normal person would have ignored it especially as I was NOT sitting there with my face in my phone the entire time. As she was focusing on berating her husband for being unable to cut his meat, I took a look at my family group chat. That was all.

I felt embarrassed at how she talked down to me. I could tell she was in a mood and wanted to pick on me. She has a habit of routinely picking on her kids or me when she is in a mood. I do not like to be disrespected and told her so, calmly and politely. She decided to escalate, compounded by my husband.

I do not appreciate that both she and my husband are intend on bullying me for "upsetting" her when she started it to begin with! I do not appreciate my husband making ME the problem instead of telling his mom to back off!

Bringing your phone to the table at all is rude.

Ruder than my MIL and husband's horrible treatment of me? My husband watched his mother give me a dressing down. And when I told her to stop he decided to blame ME for abandon me on NYE.

Because you couldn't stay off your phone and eat like a polite person. It also would have been standard to apologize and put your phone away where you would not be tempted to check it.

These are just basic manners 101 OP. Your dh is probably wondering who he has married if you can't stay off your phone a couple of hours during a holiday with your in laws. Usually teenagers are the ones doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focusing back on the original topic, OP’s MIL and H are both bullies who pushed the nuclear button over an issue that could have been easily resolved, on NYE no less. It’s always interesting how people respond when you try to set boundaries. If their answer is to blow the entire thing up then you know they are never going to respect your boundaries. OP this may be the case for both your H and your mother-in-law.

Using a phone while eating is not "setting a boundary." It's rude for an adult to do this.

Yes, watching your in laws health go down is not fun, but it's what you signed up for when you married your dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This afternoon my husband tells me he is so embarrassed of me as I create chaos everywhere I go and i cannot let things go.

If you are Asian, let me, as an older Asian immigrant married to a social register family, say, most Americans are not as blunt as Asians are.
Members of my natal Chinese family have been described as conflict prone, scrappy and rude. These are descriptions from their friends.
And yes, members of my natal family seem to create chaos and cannot let things go. Behavior that seem the norm and acceptable in Asia are not always applicable here. You are in the US and married to an American, get with the program.

I recommend that you take some thoughtful breaths before your next rebuttal to comments. And consider how you make others feel with your actions and words. In this case, consider how it feels to prepare a nice meal and have your guest be distractedly checking her phone constantly. Table manners is a thing in Western society.

Look at you talking down to OP.

She's trying to help. You're probably the Pro-phone PP who takes a phone with her everywhere and doesn't understand why others find it obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a lot of old people responded to this - it is not as if OP did this at a formal dinner royalty... she did this at a family dinner. Not a big deal at all, especially given that is the primary way she is connecting with her family on a holiday.

100% MIL and husband were inappropriate (and it is shocking how many others don't get this?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This afternoon my husband tells me he is so embarrassed of me as I create chaos everywhere I go and i cannot let things go.

If you are Asian, let me, as an older Asian immigrant married to a social register family, say, most Americans are not as blunt as Asians are.
Members of my natal Chinese family have been described as conflict prone, scrappy and rude. These are descriptions from their friends.
And yes, members of my natal family seem to create chaos and cannot let things go. Behavior that seem the norm and acceptable in Asia are not always applicable here. You are in the US and married to an American, get with the program.

I recommend that you take some thoughtful breaths before your next rebuttal to comments. And consider how you make others feel with your actions and words. In this case, consider how it feels to prepare a nice meal and have your guest be distractedly checking her phone constantly. Table manners is a thing in Western society.

Look at you talking down to OP.

She's trying to help. You're probably the Pro-phone PP who takes a phone with her everywhere and doesn't understand why others find it obnoxious.

Aha, you must be the MIL who
likes going ballistic at the smallest provocation.

[Anonymous]

The people on here are dinosaurs. Who cares in this day and age if someone checks their phone once during dinner? MIL is clearly old and losing it so she cares and its obvious the crazy posters here are exactly the same.