Husband is furious at me for telling his mother to stop talking down to me at dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It doesn’t sound like either your husband or his family like you much, OP. How is your married life in general?

Op here. Not great. My MIL hasn't particularly liked me and caused interference many times.Husband is manipulative and emotionally absuive. it's par for the course for them to pin everything on me.

NP. Why are you staying married to someone emotionally abusive and manipulative? Get a divorce and marry a man who likes screens at all times.

Don’t quit your day job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your phone should not be visible at the dinner table. It should not be in your lap, either. Leave it in your purse somewhere away from the table, or put it on a shelf or side table away from the dinner table. I can't believe you just pulled out your phone at the dinner table, as a guest, on a holiday no less. Even my kids would have viewed this as tacky at this point.

I don't understand how you got this far in life and never learned that.

Are you 90?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OP’s side. MIL overreacted and got what she deserves. Checking a phone at the table is fine.

Why should any grown adult be berated for taking a quick glance at their phone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This afternoon my husband tells me he is so embarrassed of me as I create chaos everywhere I go and i cannot let things go.

If you are Asian, let me, as an older Asian immigrant married to a social register family, say, most Americans are not as blunt as Asians are.
Members of my natal Chinese family have been described as conflict prone, scrappy and rude. These are descriptions from their friends.
And yes, members of my natal family seem to create chaos and cannot let things go. Behavior that seem the norm and acceptable in Asia are not always applicable here. You are in the US and married to an American, get with the program.

I recommend that you take some thoughtful breaths before your next rebuttal to comments. And consider how you make others feel with your actions and words. In this case, consider how it feels to prepare a nice meal and have your guest be distractedly checking her phone constantly. Table manners is a thing in Western society.

Look at you talking down to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OP’s side. MIL overreacted and got what she deserves. Checking a phone at the table is fine.

No, using your phone at the table or during meals is absolutely poor manners.

[Anonymous]

You stood up for yourself, and that's fine. Your MIL is a drama queen and your DH takes after her, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your phone should not be visible at the dinner table. It should not be in your lap, either. Leave it in your purse somewhere away from the table, or put it on a shelf or side table away from the dinner table. I can't believe you just pulled out your phone at the dinner table, as a guest, on a holiday no less. Even my kids would have viewed this as tacky at this point.

I don't understand how you got this far in life and never learned that.

Are you 90?

Are you a disrespectful guest? Yes, yes you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So yesterday my husband and I were over at my mother in laws house for New Year’s Eve. My husband wanted us to spend the night there as MIL requested we spend NYE with her as she is lonely with just my father in law who has Parkinson’s and is in decline.

My husband wanted us to spend the night at their house which is 20 minutes away. I was tired but decided to pack up and join them. We arrived there and everything was going well. My MIL is a great hostess and served us appetizers and some wine. Then we sat down to have some dinner at the kitchen.

I thanked her for the thoughtful dinner she made for us of crab cakes and scalloped potatoes. We started eating and were having a nice time all around.

I am an immigrant so my family lives abroad. I communicate with them through our family group chat. As my MIL was snapping at FIL for not being able to cut his broccoli, I looked down to check my phone.

I look up and see my MIL looking at me. She starts telling me about how I have a problem with cellphone use and how using the cellphone for hours and hours and hours is the worst thing one can do for your brain! And just talking down to me in a reprimanding tone that…frankly embarrassed me. I thought briefly about ignoring her but then said, “ Molly, I am 37 years old and don’t appreciate being reprimanded like I’m 5 years old. I was quickly checking my family group chat.”

Her eyes go wide and she stares at me as if I’ve done some horrible thing. She says, “ that was very rude of you. Apologize now!”

She gets up and continues now yelling, “ your mother would roll over in her grave if she knew how rude you’re being! I am older than you! You are so rude!”

I say, “ please don’t speak to me like that. Please don’t raise your voice at me.”

Now my husband says ok we are leaving. I am kind of shocked. My heart is thumping. I’m disoriented. I am unsure how to feel as we were just having a nice time and now everything is a mess. I tell my husband I will drive back home but he can stay here with his mom.

He insists he will come with me and tells me to get in the car. I truly am kind of in shock and get in the car. My husband says “ I don’t want to talk about this!”

We come home and I take off my coat. I tell my husband I feel bad about leaving abruptly and if there was a way to have stayed. He said he did not want an awkward situation where his mom and I were yelling at each other at her house.

I said I feel sad as we were having such a nice time. He says he is so angry at me for being so rude to his mother. It was rude of me to check my phone and to be disrespectful to her after a nice meal she prepared for us while being in her house.

I look at home confused as I felt like I was being attacked and I had to stand up for myself. He said he is so embarrassed of my behavior and doesn’t want to be around me. He packed up an overnight bag and said he will spend NYE at his friends house at a party.

I spent NYE alone by myself.

This afternoon my husband tells me he is so embarrassed of me as I create chaos everywhere I go and i cannot let things go.

Was it truly my fault? Was I the problem? Or did MIL overstep?

Checking phone at the table can be rude. This was not your first dinner with your ILs, so you must have known how they feel about the cell phone use. They are older, went out of their way to make a nice dinner. You could have avoided it. That was your wrong OP.

The rest? Your DH and MIL do not respect you and are not afraid to mistreat you. If you can, do yourself a service and just divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OP’s side. MIL overreacted and got what she deserves. Checking a phone at the table is fine.

No, using your phone at the table or during meals is absolutely poor manners.

Flying off the handle as she did makes the MIL look like a loon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This afternoon my husband tells me he is so embarrassed of me as I create chaos everywhere I go and i cannot let things go.

If you are Asian, let me, as an older Asian immigrant married to a social register family, say, most Americans are not as blunt as Asians are.
Members of my natal Chinese family have been described as conflict prone, scrappy and rude. These are descriptions from their friends.
And yes, members of my natal family seem to create chaos and cannot let things go. Behavior that seem the norm and acceptable in Asia are not always applicable here. You are in the US and married to an American, get with the program.

I recommend that you take some thoughtful breaths before your next rebuttal to comments. And consider how you make others feel with your actions and words. In this case, consider how it feels to prepare a nice meal and have your guest be distractedly checking her phone constantly. Table manners is a thing in Western society.

Look at you talking down to OP.

Yup, OP needs to stop being defensive and be more self-aware.
But she probably won't given her victimized storyline.

[Anonymous]

All 3 of you are in the wrong here…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OP’s side. MIL overreacted and got what she deserves. Checking a phone at the table is fine.

No, using your phone at the table or during meals is absolutely poor manners.

Okay, let’s say it is. Does it deserve a berating like the one the MIL gave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your phone should not be visible at the dinner table. It should not be in your lap, either. Leave it in your purse somewhere away from the table, or put it on a shelf or side table away from the dinner table. I can't believe you just pulled out your phone at the dinner table, as a guest, on a holiday no less. Even my kids would have viewed this as tacky at this point.

I don't understand how you got this far in life and never learned that.

Are you 90?

Are you a disrespectful guest? Yes, yes you are.

LOL Brunch Granny, berating guests loudly and publicly out of proportion to their alleged offense is even worse manners. I don’t understand how you got this far in life and never learned that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This afternoon my husband tells me he is so embarrassed of me as I create chaos everywhere I go and i cannot let things go.

If you are Asian, let me, as an older Asian immigrant married to a social register family, say, most Americans are not as blunt as Asians are.
Members of my natal Chinese family have been described as conflict prone, scrappy and rude. These are descriptions from their friends.
And yes, members of my natal family seem to create chaos and cannot let things go. Behavior that seem the norm and acceptable in Asia are not always applicable here. You are in the US and married to an American, get with the program.

I recommend that you take some thoughtful breaths before your next rebuttal to comments. And consider how you make others feel with your actions and words. In this case, consider how it feels to prepare a nice meal and have your guest be distractedly checking her phone constantly. Table manners is a thing in Western society.

Look at you talking down to OP.

Yup, OP needs to stop being defensive and be more self-aware.
But she probably won't given her victimized storyline.

I think everyone is being too harsh to OP. She made a mistake, and, yes, she doesn’t seem to accept that it was a mistake. However, her MILs and Dogs response was incredibly rude and inconsiderate. When you care about a person and you see them making a mistake, you can point it out in a respectful or kind tone. Instead, for whatever reason, MIL and DH went for OP’s jugular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on OP’s side. MIL overreacted and got what she deserves. Checking a phone at the table is fine.

+1