I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

You’re in a good position for empathy now OP— how do you think you’ll feel if someone serves your kid something dangerous to her, knowing it was dangerous? Because you did know, you just weren’t paying attention.

Yeah, 11 year olds should be (and it sounds like this one is) on top of their allergies.
My four year old wouldn’t touch candy without asking me if it was ok. But there’s still the part where this kid gets served a bag of snacks some of which could send him to the hospital.
It’s not a great feeling.

[Anonymous]

Nuts are dangerous because a kid can have a reaction without actually eating the candy, but someone touching the nut then touching him (it has happened twice to my child) or touching a nut then touching a table or other object (like on a plane) that the child then touches or even in the air if the allergy is extremely bad (luckily not for us yet). I think she’s right to be upset and the kid was right to not make a fuss about it but just let her know.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

You know who didn’t goof? The kid with the allergy. His helicopter mom’s parenting worked.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Don't have that kid over anymore. Problem solved.

Or be the grown up and invite the kid anyway.

Why? I care about safety and can't guarantee a sterile peanut free environment.

Nobody asked for that. They asked for communication, checking labels, and no label-free food *for that kid.* If other kids want to eat unlabeled food or ice cream that May Contain Tree Nuts, that’s great. But if you’re not willing to have conversations and check labels, please by all means ban my kid from your home!

OP didn’t serve unlabeled food.

Right, she just literally offered unsafe food to a kid she knows has an allergy, that’s all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

You know who didn’t goof? The kid with the allergy. His helicopter mom’s parenting worked.

Yeah, but her trust in the OP has been broken.

[Anonymous]

I have an 11 year old with a peanut allergy. You remind the host before any party AND it’s on your kid to check and ask. My 11 year old and I still talk about this before a party or event even though she’s had the allergy her whole life and knows.

People with allergic children: You can’t rely on the world to keep your kid safe. It’s not their responsibility and it’s asking for trouble. Do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11 year old with a peanut allergy. You remind the host before any party AND it’s on your kid to check and ask. My 11 year old and I still talk about this before a party or event even though she’s had the allergy her whole life and knows.

People with allergic children: You can’t rely on the world to keep your kid safe. It’s not their responsibility and it’s asking for trouble. Do it yourself.

Yeah. We know. We’re not OP’s friend and we think the friend was out of line. But OP asked for perspective and we answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am usually pretty chill when it comes to my son’s but allergy and I always think it is our responsibility to monitor it not other parents. My 13 year old usually finds it easier just not to eat anything at other people houses unless he is 100% sure. So yes he will have a slice of pizza but never baked goods, candy or even ice cream.

But in the situation you describe where kids are watching a movie and there is a bag of chocolates I would be pissed. Kids get distracted during movies and just glance down for a split second to unwrap chocolates and eat them. Chances are it was also dark during the movie.It makes it worse that you are familiar with his allergy and so maybe he could have let his guard down.

Peanut allergies are different than other food allergies where a child might get a stomach ache or diarrhea. A person can go into anaphylaxis where their tongue /throat swells, blood pressure drops and they stop breathing.

I probably too care free about my son’s nut allergy. I never care about people washing hands if they recently ate nuts, he didn’t sit at the nut free table, his siblings eat pb&j sandwiches next to him, etc. But wow even I would be pissed and not want him at your house ever again.

I approach my kids peanut allergy similarly as last paragraph and in this case the mom should have reminded the OP ahead of time. I always do. OP said she hasn’t seen the kid in a while. People have their own lives and are not keeping a roster of who has a nut allergy for years on end in their heads.

[Anonymous]

OP you come across really judgmental. Nut allergies are horrendously scary for parents and also isolating for kids. 11 is the age where they are venturing out more on their own which is stressful for parents and kids alike. It would have been nice for you to remember. Your friend didn’t react well but you should be aware enough of human behavior to recognize that she came from a place of stress. You will now get to know the joys of this awful dynamic too. I’m sorry, but maybe it will give you more grace and empathy.

PS nut allergy parents micromanage because they have had to do that their entire parenting experience to keep their kids safe. Be a little kinder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

OP, my kids know to advocate for themselves, but be careful with all your judgment. For one of my kids it got worse and now even being in a space with someone eating treenuts can be an issue if the person coughs or anything goes airborne. We are working on options with the allergist. We remind people and so does he, but we have learned to turn down invites from people who think it's just being obsessive. I know you forgot, but clearly you also have issues with the parent. Be grateful nothing happened and be grateful something as simple as candy can't kill your kid or lead to a hospital visit. Clearly your friend and her kid need to give reminders, but have grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That mom is psycho. My DD could identify nut risky candy before she could even read. By 11 she was an expert.

Signed,
A peanut allergy mom

Not all kids can do that. Some kids will deliberately rub their allergen on an allergic kid. This happened to my daughter in late elementary. Reactions can’t be predicted, you can have a mild reaction and later a severe reaction to the same exposure. You’re either not actually the mom of a kid with an allergy or you’ve received very bad advice.

This. To the peanut allergy mom, your child must have a mild-non-epipen allergy. Better hope it stays that way because with one of my kids it moved into the territory mentioned above and life threatening. We advocate and get lots of eyerolls when we remind. Nothing like someone who's kid might get hives or digestive issues telling a parent of a kid who could die to chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Peanut allergies are different than other food allergies where a child might get a stomach ache or diarrhea. A person can go into anaphylaxis where their tongue /throat swells, blood pressure drops and they stop breathing.

As someone whose child ended up in ICU from something that wasn’t a peanut, it’s really horrifying to have you imply that somehow peanuts are unique in causing anaphylaxis.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

[Anonymous]

That mom is a jerk.

You made a mistake, but by 11 usually kids are careful themselves. She had no right to send you that text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That mom is psycho. My DD could identify nut risky candy before she could even read. By 11 she was an expert.

Signed,
A peanut allergy mom

Not all kids can do that. Some kids will deliberately rub their allergen on an allergic kid. This happened to my daughter in late elementary. Reactions can’t be predicted, you can have a mild reaction and later a severe reaction to the same exposure. You’re either not actually the mom of a kid with an allergy or you’ve received very bad advice.

I am another severe peanut allergy mom and I agree with the first poster. My PA kid is 11 and knows the status of every candy that exists I think.